We all want to be vulnerable right? We all want somebody who we can be completely naked with in all the ways. We want somebody who won't take advantage of our kindness, our weaknesses, our hope and dreams.
We all hurt differently, we all love differently and that is what makes the game of Love so challenging. If we all loved the same and hurt the same we would know what not to do to the other person. OR exactly what to do... See, there is a reason we are all not supposed to love the same. The way we love can hurt us in a way that we cannot come back from and the way we hurt, can hurt the people we love and/or that love us in a way they cannot come back from. It is all a vicious cycle and in the end we all end up just hurting each other. The issue with a lot of people is we think that if we open up our self like a blooming flower that the other person will submit and love us the way we love them. Well, I am here to tell you that that is complete bullshit. I am sorry. If you continue to open yourself up wide like a flower you will lose at this game called love. Allow yourself to have depth. Allow yourself to have substance. Allow yourself to have LAYERS. Do not apologize for having layers. Do not apologize for making people have to prove themselves to you first. We are at WAR and love is THE battlefield. It isn't just a battlefield, it's THE battle field. We are all fighting for love, affection, attention. At all times we are fighting for love. When you're alone and single, you're fighting your own self to love yourself. You battle daily with you doubts, your insecurities, your negative thoughts about yourself. You want to love yourself, but a lot of times it's hard, so you're battling yourself. When you're in a relationship, you're fighting for that person to love you the way YOU want to be loved, you want them to let you love them all the way and not just part of the way. You even fight for love in your family relationships. Maybe your mom shows more love and attention to the prodigy of the family. Maybe your dad is harder on you than anyone else and you want them to love you with more compassion. Regardless where we are in life, we are all fighting for love. LOVE is THE battlefield. So, with that, with knowing that we are at war for a good portion of our lives, the last thing we need to do is allow somebody to have the recipe to hurt us. Do not surrender, until you know for sure that this person no matter who they are, deserves that. Playing the victim in the relationship does not hold weight, even though we think it does, it does not. Weakness does not win and only the strong survive. Protect your feelings and your heart. Peel back the layers of who you are only when that part of you is ready to be released. If you open yourself up all at once, what is the other person fighting for? You have to give that person something to fight for you have to challenge them. When you open up yourself and you show people which buttons to push, when you show people where you hurt, when you show people what makes you weak, they use it. Even the best of the best person will hurt you at some point if you give them that recipe. People only do what you allow and how can you expect them to do anything different, from what you you've allowed them to learn about you. I have suffered from this all my life. I've opened up my whole heart, my whole self. I put my feelings in a envelope and put that other person's address smack dab in the middle and sent that shit off like nothing. It is NOT o.k. Be smart, love, but be smart about it. You can love somebody without opening up your complete heart and soul to them. Leave some room for yourself. Love yourself too, because when you lose yourself in a person because you've given them your all, where are you in that equation? They can see that you are no longer your own person. You've given yourself to them, you're their puppy now. They have the recipe to who you are and with that, they can literally control everything about you. They can make you cry, happy, sad, mad all in the same day. Do you want that? I didn't think so. Trust me just the same as you don't want that, that other person does not want it either. Who wants somebody who is easy? People love a challenge regardless of what anyone says, people love a challenge. They love a thrill and if you're not that, you're going to get ran over and stepped on. Play the game with your head and not your heart. Your heart does not think, it feels and we as a people who are supposed to be fighters cannot fight with our feelings. When you're out on a playing field, is it your heart or your mind that is making the moves? You heart may have got you there, but it is your mind that is navigating. Allow your mind to take you through this love game and allow your heart to love, but not be weak. Love, but be smart. Love, but understand the game. Love, but also love yourself. Love, but don't sell yourself short. Peace out ya'll.
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Good Morning Guys. I just had my morning coffee on my porch and as i'm sitting here I start to realize everything that is going on around me. The wind, the trees swaying, the birds chirping, everything. Just the freedom to be able to sit on my porch and drink coffee and enjoy the fresh air is so important to understand. Some people can't even sit outside without the fear of being taken or hurt. We are so blessed right now in this moment to see have the freedoms that we take for granite. Just to be able to get in my car and drive is a blessing.
So today I'd like to talk a little bit about my anxiety and depression. I can say that it has not been the easiest. I've tried to make sense of it for years and just this year I started coming to terms with what exactly causes that part of me to be at the forefront. I am one of those people who lives in their HEADS. What does that mean? It means that I cannot enjoy the moment that is in front of me. I dwell on the past, I worry about the future, but for some reason I cannot enjoy the now. I am so afraid that something is going to ruin now, so I chose to not be excited about now. Crazy huh? Yeah well, the thing is, is that this has been something that has been going on for years. Even sometimes when I actually am enjoying the now, something comes over me and I realize that "hey, you're enjoying the now, what are you doin'?!" At that very moment, any negative emotion, any emotion period rushes to my brain. For some reason I am just incapable of being apart of the now and that has always bothered me. I look out into the world and see so many people enjoying life and look like they have not a care in the world and I get jealous sometimes, it is hard. Being a mom makes it even harder because we want so badly to just be normal. To be happy. To be in the moment and to enjoy moments for our kids and for a lot of us that does not happen. Having anxiety and not being able to be in control causes the depression. You're depressed because you wish the things that make you anxious, didn't. You wish that people would understand you and why you think the way you do, and they don't. You want to be happy, but you can't. As a mom who lives with anxiety, trying to keep it together in front of the little one is truly a full time job. Trust me, I KNOW. I have been there. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder twice, once by my psychiatrist and once by my PCP. It was not a surprise, however I realized that if I wanted to overcome this, I had to figure out a way to do it on my own. I understood what was causing my anxiety peak last year and I took action. The marriage that I was in put added stress on my heart and mind thereby causing my anxiety to go haywire. I knew for a fact that I was allowing things that I should not be allowing, I started to have anxiety attacks, I was drinking a lot, wanting to get out with my aunties a lot, who at the time had no idea that I was so depressed in my marriage. For a long time I did not know what was causing my anxiety to get worse and then I started to see patterns. Anxious feelings and crying spells came when I was getting talked to a certain way by my husband at that time, or when we would fight (disrespectful words and belittling). I started to say hmm, I think I see what is causing this to be worse. Because I would make excuses for him all the time. I loved him so much that I did not care how I had to do it, I made sure to make excuses and lies about why I was having anxiety and why I was crying. Nobody knew, NOBODY, except one person, Kay, shout out to you girl, but I called her and cried several times during 2019 because I had to talk to somebody! The person I talked to was somebody who was not around us on a daily so she couldn't judge me or him. Even if she did judge him, it didn't matter because she was family to him. I was able to get advice from her and just a listening ear, she really helped me not literally lose my mind. Now, I will say within the last few weeks when shit was just over the top, a few people started to see the real us and it just started to become even clearer that I couldn't go through that anymore. I think a lot of us women especially women with kids, we get a lot of our anxiety from the relationships that we put ourselves in. We feel like since we have kids by this person that we should stick it out for the family. Sometimes honey, that is just not the best option by any means. I cannot speak for everyone, but what caused my anxiety to reach the point it did last year was being in a unhealthy relationship. Now having been out of that relationship, my anxiety has cut down at least 90% and depression 98%. I have not had a depressive thought in months and my anxiety only gets bad when I overthink situations, which is normal for me. I am an overthinker which in return causes anxiety. I am not o.k with anxiety being caused by outside sources forcing me to feel extremely low. If you find yourself in a situation where you know exactly what is causing your anxiety, but you're afraid to let go whether it be a relationship, a job, etc. Start by first standing up for yourself and realizing that your happiness is important! Especially if you're a mama. Your babies deserve for you to be at your best and trust me when mommy is not happy, they feel that. Make a stand and remove out of your life what is causing your anxiety to be worse than what it already is. Only then will you able to do things to cope with it. Because anxiety does not just go away, but there are things you can do to manage it, but by all means don't allow things into your mix that will make it worse. So I shared my story with you all to give you some insight into why I was so anxious and depressed last year and what cured that was LETTING GO. Sometimes all you need to do is let go. I was looking for so many ways to "cure it" that I was blinded by what I really needed to do which was let go of the toxic b.s. that I was allowing; but I will say there was a lot of things that I did, that helped me DEAL with my anxiety and depression and I will list them below. - Journaling - Reading + Studying at a place other than home. A coffee shop or bookstore really helped me clear my head. - Stepping outside to enjoy fresh air! We don't even realize how much fresh air means to us until we are at a place in our life where we start to notice the small things in life. - Cleaning. Cleaning helped me focus on something other than what was making me sad. - Coming up with a routine for yourself. "Sunday Routine" "Morning Routine" "Night Time Routine". Make a habit out of getting a routine together for yourself and your kids. Routines help build structure and what I've noticed a stronger mind. Getting into a routine helps you look forward to something. - Spa Night (or day). These were my fav. When things got real bad, I would go in the kitchen and whip up my favorite scrub, I'd pour a glass of wine, put a movie on for the kiddo, and take a long bath. I would scrub my whole body and apply a face mask. After that, I'd paint my nails, I'd read, I'd journal, I would do any and all things that made me happy even if it was a little thing. - Taking my son to the park. Seeing him happy and smiling gave me a reason to keep pushing forward. - Prayer. Simply praying and asking the Lord to humble me, show me signs, cover me and my mind. Thanks for reading & if you made it all the way through, you're the real MVP. Love yall and a new post will go up this coming Friday! Hello Friends. Welcome to the very first Wine Talk on my Blog. I am a blogger not a vlogger, so if you're into vlogs I am so sorry. I love the act of reading, I love the act of writing so instead of videos I blog!
Today is not going to be on specific topic, I am just going to be talking about recent events going on in my life, my thoughts about certain things that are happening right now. The last few weeks have just been A LOT! I literally just moved to New Orleans on the 15th of February and shit wanna get all critical! I literally cannot believe what is happening right now in the world with this Coronavirus thing. It has been hard to come to terms with the fact that we are literally being quarantined, people are wearing masks and gloves everywhere, there is a food shortage in the New Orleans area, the sewers are being clogged due to people using alternatives because tissue is running low; it has just been a literal shit show. I am not complaining that much because Jeremy has been so great during this time with having his head in the game! Making sure that we are prepared and not going without. It is just hard to cope with because we are supposed to be out right now on the River Walk, going to the Museums, going to the festivals, it just was not supposed to be this way :( . He is better than I am when it comes to crisis situations. He's more like f*ck it, this is the new normal and this is how we are going to deal with it. I however, am drinking 4 glasses of wine a day trying to figure out life; but hey, balance! I think the last 2 days have been the worst for me because I literally just got accepted into Southern New Hampshire University for the Bachelors Program in Psychology and I am sooooo excited; but that brings my anxiety also to a whole new level because what if things get worse!?!!!??? I want to be able to finish school and become successful I don't want things to get so bad that schools shut down, financial aid is no longer a thing and life as we know it is ruined. I have literally just been taking things one at a time & trying to be more positive instead of thinking so negatively. Jeremy has been so great though. He makes me feel really safe during this time and just safe in general. I could not have asked for a better partner in this type of crisis. Sometimes I just cry. I shed real tears because I never in a million years thought that I would be able to have someone who matched my energy in life and in a relationship. Now, don't get me wrong, we are different in a lot of ways, but not in the ways that will cause us to be mean and disrespectful to each other. He understands things and he understands how to love me, how to be honest with me, and how to be firm with me all at the same time. Lets face it, a lot of us women sometimes don't know when to shut up; BUT, its better to have a man who can handle you the right way than a man who only knows how to lash out. Anyway, he has been such a voice of reason during this weird crazy time. I really believe that this whole virus thing is a lot more than just the virus. There are sooooo many other factors to this whole thing. I am a conspiracy theorist a lot of the time and I don't care, sue me. There is a lot of things we think we know that we don't know shit about! Since I just restarted my blog, I am going to be going into detail within the week about what I believe is also going on besides the virus while also throwing in some fun quarantine activities for you and the family just so we aren't in such a bad mood. There are a lot of topics I want to touch base on while we are all being confined to our homes so just stay tuned! New posts will go live every Friday Night, Sunday Morning & Monday Morning! That's all for tonight, time to make dinner and pour another glass! CHEERS! BOTTOMS UP! & lets all stay clean and tipsy this weekend. :) |
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