coffee talk | dealing with anxiety | quarantine day 14

Good Morning Guys. I just had my morning coffee on my porch and as i'm sitting here I start to realize everything that is going on around me. The wind, the trees swaying, the birds chirping, everything. Just the freedom to be able to sit on my porch and drink coffee and enjoy the fresh air is so important to understand. Some people can't even sit outside without the fear of being taken or hurt. We are so blessed right now in this moment to see have the freedoms that we take for granite. Just to be able to get in my car and drive is a blessing. 

So today I'd like to talk a little bit about my anxiety and depression. I can say that it has not been the easiest. I've tried to make sense of it for years and just this year I started coming to terms with what exactly causes that part of me to be at the forefront. I am one of those people who lives in their HEADS. What does that mean? It means that I cannot enjoy the moment that is in front of me. I dwell on the past, I worry about the future, but for some reason I cannot enjoy the now. I am so afraid that something is going to ruin now, so I chose to not be excited about now. Crazy huh? Yeah well, the thing is, is that this has been something that has been going on for years. Even sometimes when I actually am enjoying the now, something comes over me and I realize that "hey, you're enjoying the now, what are you doin'?!" At that very moment, any negative emotion, any emotion period rushes to my brain. For some reason I am just incapable of being apart of the now and that has always bothered me. I look out into the world and see so many people enjoying life and look like they have not a care in the world and I get jealous sometimes, it is hard. Being a mom makes it even harder because we want so badly to just be normal. To be happy. To be in the moment and to enjoy moments for our kids and for a lot of us that does not happen. Having anxiety and not being able to be in control causes the depression. You're depressed because you wish the things that make you anxious, didn't. You wish that people would understand you and why you think the way you do, and they don't. You want to be happy, but you can't. As a mom who lives with anxiety, trying to keep it together in front of the little one is truly a full time job. Trust me, I KNOW. I have been there. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder twice, once by my psychiatrist and once by my PCP. It was not a surprise, however I realized that if I wanted to overcome this, I had to figure out a way to do it on my own. I understood what was causing my anxiety peak last year and I took action. The marriage that I was in put added stress on my heart and mind thereby causing my anxiety to go haywire. I knew for a fact that I was allowing things that I should not be allowing, I started to have anxiety attacks, I was drinking a lot, wanting to get out with my aunties a lot, who at the time had no idea that I was so depressed in my marriage. For a long time I did not know what was causing my anxiety to get worse and then I started to see patterns. Anxious feelings and crying spells came when I was getting talked to a certain way by my husband at that time, or when we would fight (disrespectful words and belittling). I started to say hmm, I think I see what is causing this to be worse. Because I would make excuses for him all the time. I loved him so much that I did not care how I had to do it, I made sure to make excuses and lies about why I was having anxiety and why I was crying. Nobody knew, NOBODY, except one person, Kay, shout out to you girl, but I called her and cried several times during 2019 because I had to talk to somebody! The person I talked to was somebody who was not around us on a daily so she couldn't judge me or him. Even if she did judge him, it didn't matter because she was family to him. I was able to get advice from her and just a listening ear, she really helped me not literally lose my mind. Now, I will say within the last few weeks when shit was just over the top, a few people started to see the real us and it just started to become even clearer that I couldn't go through that anymore. 

I think a lot of us women especially women with kids, we get a lot of our anxiety from the relationships that we put ourselves in. We feel like since we have kids by this person that we should stick it out for the family. Sometimes honey, that is just not the best option by any means. I cannot speak for everyone, but what caused my anxiety to reach the point it did last year was being in a unhealthy relationship. Now having been out of that relationship, my anxiety has cut down at least 90% and depression 98%. I have not had a depressive thought in months and my anxiety only gets bad when I overthink situations, which is normal for me. I am an overthinker which in return causes anxiety. I am not o.k with anxiety being caused by outside sources forcing me to feel extremely low. If you find yourself in a situation where you know exactly what is causing your anxiety, but you're afraid to let go whether it be a relationship, a job, etc. Start by first standing up for yourself and realizing that your happiness is important! Especially if you're a mama. Your babies deserve for you to be at your best and trust me when mommy is not happy, they feel that. Make a stand and remove out of your life what is causing your anxiety to be worse than what it already is. Only then will you able to do things to cope with it. Because anxiety does not just go away, but there are things you can do to manage it, but by all means don't allow things into your mix that will make it worse. 
So I shared my story with you all to give you some insight into why I was so anxious and depressed last year and what cured that was LETTING GO. Sometimes all you need to do is let go. I was looking for so many ways to "cure it" that I was blinded by what I really needed to do which was let go of the toxic b.s. that I was allowing; but I will say there was a lot of things that I did, that helped me DEAL with my anxiety and depression and I will list them below. 

- Journaling
- Reading + Studying at a place other than home. A coffee shop or bookstore really helped me clear my head. 
- Stepping outside to enjoy fresh air! We don't even realize how much fresh air means to us until we are at a place in our life where we start to notice the small things in life. 
- Cleaning. Cleaning helped me focus on something other than what was making me sad. 
- Coming up with a routine for yourself. "Sunday Routine" "Morning Routine" "Night Time Routine". Make a habit out of getting a routine together for yourself and your kids. Routines help build structure and what I've noticed a stronger mind. Getting into a routine helps you look forward to something. 
- Spa Night (or day). These were my fav. When things got real bad, I would go in the kitchen and whip up my favorite scrub, I'd pour a glass of wine, put a movie on for the kiddo, and take a long bath. I would scrub my whole body and apply a face mask. After that, I'd paint my nails, I'd read, I'd journal, I would do any and all things that made me happy even if it was a little thing. 
- Taking my son to the park. Seeing him happy and smiling gave me a reason to keep pushing forward. 
- Prayer. Simply praying and asking the Lord to humble me, show me signs, cover me and my mind. 

​Thanks for reading & if you made it all the way through, you're the real MVP. Love yall and a new post will go up this coming Friday!