Wow. Are we really in December? This year flew by so quickly I don't even know what to say. This year was not one of my favorites to say the least. Actually the only thing great that came from this year was having my daughter in September and my man getting a new job that pays pretty well. For the majority of this year, it was hell on wheels for us. I mean, financial burdens, car broke down, losing jobs, catching COVID. I mean, it was just too much. Things did turn around though and I can say it's been smooth sailing for the last 3 months. I thank God that he allowed us to make it through this year alive. We got some bumps, bruises, and scars but we made it through. Lately things have been great as far as kids and my relationship. My babygirl is smiling and laughing now and getting so big! My son is about to be 6 next week and is growing up so fast on me. The other day his teacher told me he knows all his letters, their sounds, and he's beginning to read! He's been bringing home books from his reading group and he's able to read the entire thing to me. I think that is so amazing. Watching your child grow is something so beautiful, but terrifying at the same time. We blink our eyes and all of the sudden they're adults. Crazy.
Mentally, I am not doing the best. I always go through these rough mental health patches and I really hate that it happens, but it's life. I've learned to at least try to embrace when this happens. I've learned that maybe I need to sit with these feelings and thoughts and maybe figure out why I am feeling that way instead of trying to ignore it. I have been stressing about going back to work on the 13th. Am I happy to have two incomes finally? Hell yes! But I strongly dislike my position at my company. It is depressing and I am ready for something new. I really would like a new job because I should not dread going back to work this hard when I don't even have to leave my house to get there! Obviously, this job is not what my heart wants. Today I expressed to Jeremy that I am just wondering about our life long term. We decided we probably aren't going to put our baby girl in daycare and she more than likely is going to be homeschooled. We decided this before we even had a child. With that, comes scarifies. Even though I work from home, that does not mean my house can be a daycare as well. So it worries me for the very near future on how things will play out with a baby/toddler and a work from home job. Also, once she is supposed to start school what will we do financially so that I can stay home with her and teach her? I know it's about another 3-4 years, but that time will come sooner than we know it. We really agree that family is more important than anything and so are our kids. Yes, social interaction is great for kids but at what cost? The world is literally going to hell in a hand basket and most of us know it. Most of us can feel it. But we ignore it. We don't say it aloud. The thing is we don't want to expose our child to things that we don't want her to learn, period. My son started out in daycare at 18 months and he has been in school. He LOVES school. Since he has already had the chance to experience I don't think I'd have the heart to pull him out and homeschool him. However, depending on how he starts to grow and learn, that decision may have to be made. This world is made for homeschooling parents now. So many homeschool groups to be apart of and awesome curriculums you can purchase. When you decide to homeschool your children you're making a financial sacrifice 9/10, but you are choosing right in the long run. I don't judge, though. Not everyone has the means and not everyone agrees and that's ok! But as for me and my family, we strongly believe in homeschooling. So, I am preparing my heart and mind to take on that role for my daughter and possibly my son in the future. My babies are so important and the things they learn will be the things that they carry with them. I would rather myself and Jeremy be the most influential people in their lives and not complete strangers. Anyway, throw in a bottle of wine about 3 nights a week, binging on old shows, and losing my mind from lack of sleep, that is my life lately in a nutshell. I love you all, thanks for reading.
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One Year Social Media Free11/3/2021 So it's been exactly one year and some change since I've been a ghost online. No Facebook no Instagram. Two social media sites that I could not live without since I was 13 years old. For exactly 12 years straight, I used social media like crazy. Documenting every moment of my life. Posting pictures and posting my every thought, not always good. I was also that person on Facebook stirring up controversial drama. The last few years of me being on social media I started to realize that social media was giving me tons of anxiety and I was starting to compare my lives to the lives of the people I was following. Once you enter your 20s, its like a race against time. Or at least, that's what it feels like. You feel like you need to have it all together and that is really not the case. However, social media always tends to make us feel like that is the case. So many of my high school peers were making great money, graduating with their 4 year degree, buying big houses, touring the world, and I was doing none of those things. Jealousy wasn't the emotion I felt, it was a sense of failure that I felt. I felt like I was not good enough. I felt like I did something wrong in the way I chose to live my life. Then once the failure feeling set it, it was anxiety. Constantly worrying about how many likes I got on a post. If I was relevant. Were people still into the things I was posting. Did people still find me funny. Did people still find me pretty. All of these things were things I constantly worried about while having social media. So I made the decision to get rid of it. I also found myself posting so much every day it was honestly ridiculous. Once I decided to leave, every one thought I was joking or that I'd be back in two weeks. I would always deactivate my page for a while and come back. This time, it was getting deleted. Yep, that's right. Gone forever. Once I left social media, I felt a breath of fresh air truly. I found myself not on my phone as much, being more productive, making better grades in my online classes, more focused, and most of all enjoying life's precious moments. I was one of those people who had to take pics and videos of everything I saw that I thought was cool and share it. Now, I was not inclined to snap and record everything. My phone stayed in my back pocket when we went and saw things that I would normally feel the urge to post. I felt more at peace. I was no longer seeing negativity everyday. I was no longer comparing myself to others. I was just living. And for me that is enough.
Now I have this beautiful blog where I can be myself and I can express myself without worrying about what others will say. This is MY place. My website. My baby. My journal. My thoughts. I don't feel insecure here nor do I feel like I need to impress anyone. This is me. So if you're wondering on if you should quit social media, my answer would be yes. You will have a sense of freedom from the world, I promise. Missing New Orleans11/1/2021 Before I moved to New Orleans, I was just like everyone else. Mardi Gras, French Quarter, fun all the time, alcohol on every corner, people always dressed up and shouting having a great time, jazz music, great food. The list runs on. That is what I was expecting and that is what I was looking forward to when I moved. I also was so excited to just get away from Houston and get a chance to experience my man's hometown with him. It was time for a change for me and my son who was at the time 4 years old. I moved February 2020 and as well all know that was about a month before the pandemic struck the nation. All the fun festivals, being able to go here and there, sit and eat comfortably at a nice place, hanging out at different places, all of those wishes came to a screeching halt. Next thing you knew, the breaking news that a new virus was out and spreading quickly throughout the country and my community, left us in a place of confusion and worry. Everything about New Orleans that I wanted to experience, I was not able to experience because everything was shut down. I remember a day in April 2020 going out to Walmart to grab groceries for the family. By this time, everyone was scared shitless, including me. I had on a mask, two pairs of sterile gloves, and loads of hand sanitizer in the car. Yep, I was one of those people. Fear consumed us all, though. As we had no idea at that time what was really going on. I remember going to Walmart and on my way there the streets were desolate. No one was around. The Walmart parking lot had very few cars and unusually, I was able to find a parking spot very close to the entrance. When I arrived inside of the store, I would find shelves completely ram shacked. Non-perishables were almost non existent as well as the meat section. I mean, it was nuts. Not only nuts, but it was also very depressing. I knew at that moment that my time in New Orleans was not going to be what I thought. However, the pandemic may have been the best thing that happened to me. See, pre pandemic and the move, I lived in a room upstairs in the backyard of my parents property. I was there from 2017-2020. My ex husband and I were supposed to fix it up, tiny house style, and stay there until we could afford a house. Needless to say, that never happened. So anyway, when I moved in 2017 I was barely turning 21 that year. I had only had my own place three times prior to 2017 since the age of 18 and only one of those places I lived at for an entire year. I lived with family in-between those places so you can say, I was never really an adult. Yes I was mature, I had goals that I strived for, but I was not settled. I was not content. When I moved to New Orleans, I was thrown into the world, for real this time. There was no family around to help me or save me from a crisis. It was just me, my son, and Jeremy. That's it. All we had was each other and we had to do with what we had. That was me coming into being a real and true adult. We had a place of our own, a car of our own, and no family help. For me, that was new. Not having help was a new world for me and I had to figure it all out. Living in New Orleans helped me get away from my comfort zone of family always being around to comfort me and help me when I needed it. Now, I had to make tough decisions and I also had a real MAN who knew how to handle a crisis situation. I actually grew up in this city. When I say grew up I obviously don't mean from my childhood, but I grew up, mentally. I finally became a woman. I didn't need daddy or mommy to help me. I was not calling grandma every other week to help me out with a few dollars until the next pay day. I started to figure out who I really was and the pandemic really helped with that. Having to stay cooped up in the house, I was able to spend more time with my thoughts. I was able to understand myself more than I ever did. We weren't able to go to the places and festivals I wanted, but we found better. We discovered neighborhoods that were hidden away. Cute little houses with little small gated front yards on a street shaded with big beautiful trees. I got to see all the little coffee houses in Midtown and even though they were closed, they were so beautiful. Gorgeous little brick, what looked to be, mom and pop places surrounded the areas. Big beautiful homes with huge yards and everyone who was outside waved at us in a way that showed us they didn't look at us as less than them. I cannot tell you how many times we walked on the levee and got a great view of the Mississippi River. Or all the times we visited Lake Pontchartrain and watched as the waves did dances in the distance. One of my favorite experiences was going onto the ferry with our car. It was quick and not long, but it was super fun. Jeremy took Jurvail out of the car and they stood together on the ferry and just watched as the water moved in all directions as we made our way to the other side of the river. City Park was an experience in itself as well. There was a mini golf course that we utilized once, there was an amusement park there, statues and art, a Café Du Monde, a museum. I mean, it's magical seriously. You'd have to be there to understand what I mean. The communities had so much character and nostalgia. There was a park about a mile from where we lived and it was one of my favorite places. The trees and houses that surrounded the park looked like something out of a 90s movie. Also, the park itself had old 90s park equipment and I freaking loved it. It was so small, but so cute and my son loved it. I miss it. Even though I did not grow up there, it felt like I'd been there many times before. Like in my past life I lived peacefully somewhere in one of those neighborhoods. I loved how when we would go on drives, we would always discover a new place. Even if it was not much to see, we still discovered it. Whether it be a new-to-us street, a bridge, a pond, a hill that overlooked a few houses, a new park. Whatever it was, we loved it and we got excited just to see something new. Jeremy was the best person to discover new places with because he loves all the little things and pays very close attention to detail. He will make you see something that is right in front of you that you couldn't see. Everything felt so right. I did not need the Mardi Gras or the festivals, I did not need all the crazy rush of New Orleans. I got to see New Orleans in a light that most tourists never see. I got to see the neighborhoods they don't show on the brochures or TV when trying to bring people there. I got to see the raw New Orleans. Fifty pot holes within a mile, litter on the road, kids playing in the median trying to take their minds off of the way their tiny world looked around them, poverty stricken areas for blocks and blocks. Seeing the sides that are not talked about, brought me much sorrow. When you see New Orleans from the outside you only see what they want the tourists to see. What you don't see are the areas that need lots of TLC. You don't see the natives that are literally crying and yearning for their city to care more and put some of that money back into the neighborhoods and infrastructure. My heart mourned the lack of love and care for the natives. So every time we would take a ride through the neighborhoods, I would take mental pictures of all of these places. Because I pray that one day, the city actually starts to care for these people. I was able to attach myself to New Orleans in a way that most people don't. Because they only see the pretty parts. They dare not to explore and see what New Orleans really is. Broken Beauty. In order to really love New Orleans, you have to love the not so pretty parts. You have to find beauty in the areas that aren't as well taken care of as the French Quarter and Canal Street. This place will forever be in my heart. Because here, I changed as a person. Here, I grew. Here, I experienced a new place and what I saw, I immediately loved. Here, I got to see what real southern hospitality was. Here, I felt safe, even though I knew how bad the crime rate was. It just felt like another home for me. It is very hard to explain, but New Orleans did something to my heart. And now, just like Houston, it has a piece of me. Hey you guys. I am back. Yes, back for real this time. This year was one crazy year. We have two months left and I cannot wait to start a new year with hopefully better days ahead. Let me just get right in. Yall know what to do. Grab your coffee, tea, WINE, vodka, or whatever it is makes you feel good and lets chat. I have my wine already, I'm set.
Okay, so since my last post I have had a lot of new changes. This year did not go as expected in the slightest. Lots of good and bad came with this year, but mostly the bad. When I say bad I just mean extremely stressful. Nothing super extreme or crazy, just lots of inconveniences and losing faith which was my biggest mistake. In February I found out I was pregnant and we welcomed baby girl on September 27th 2021. Her name is Jazzy and she is a beautiful edition to our family. Her big brother Jurvail loves her dearly and so do me and her dad. She was the silver lining and she is what we needed. When I found out I was pregnant, that is when I started to realize that living in New Orleans may not be the best thing for us. Crime was starting to get out of control, police officers were at a bare minimum, the job market sucked, and also I have no family in New Orleans. I knew that with a new baby and a 6 year old, not having family around to help would be extremely challenging for me. So we quickly made the decision to move back to Texas so we could be closer to the people that would be able to help us out. In April we moved back and from April until September it was just a huge mess. Financial issues was the main thing and also not having a functioning car. I was starting to lose my cool and I definitely lost faith in the Most High. I regret that the most because thankfully, he came through every single time we had a financial burden that we were not sure we were going to get out of. All praise to him. Once September rolled around, things got better. I went on bed rest and started my maternity leave early, Jeremy found a spot at my company working from home making good money and things started to look up from there. Lets just say it was a wild ride. Now that I am back and feeling much better than I was while pregnant, I knew it was time to get my blog back up and running. A few updates with me: I am in a Medical Billing and Coding Program set to graduate next year in October and I am super excited about it. That is going to be the breakthrough we need financially and I will actually have a career. I put a pause on my Creative Writing Degree until I am in a financially stable place in life. That is a want and it is not a need at this time. That does not mean I've stopped writing, though. I am working on a Memoir as well as a fiction novel. My fiction novel is doing pretty well and I have about ten thousand words in the manuscript at this time. I can't wait until it's finished and I can start promoting the book release! It will be my first novel and my first HUGE HUGE HUGE life accomplishment. So, stay tuned for that. This webpage has become my baby and I have really invested some time into it. Yes, I am a newbie at this whole website thing, but I'm doing my best. I have so many plans for this webpage and I am excited to share. First, the three tabs that I've had since the beginning: Journal, Relationship Blog, and Short Stories will be updated very frequently. I have not set days of the week/month where I will post on each one as I am still working on a schedule, but expect more posts than ever before. I am also going to be adding more to the main page and more pages in general. I will be adding a food portfolio page, a productivity/lifestyle page, and a book review page. I am working on all of these as we speak so I will cut the journal short so that I can finish creating. Thank you so much for all of you who read my blog and support me. I am so happy to have you all here and lets keep growing and glowing! WHEW! Yes sis, or bro, 'cause ya girl don't discriminate! BUT YES! A NEW YEAR! Did we actually make it? I mean, are we actually all sitting here in 2021 right now? Glasses raised? Alive? Not dead? I mean, wow. What a job we did making it through this suck fest of a year! Yes, please, please, grab your wine, whiskey, vodka, or whatever drink makes you feel good and cuddle up with me for a few minutes! If you don't have your drink yet it's ok. This is the part of the story when you put the phone down or step away from the computer and grab that. :)
Okay, now that we all have our drinks, lets talk! Alright. All I have to say is: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT. Yeah, what!??!?!? 2020 had to have been the biggest punk'd prank I ever did see. Way to go Ashton. (If you don't know what I am referring to, you are probably too young to be on this website. Please, exit stage left.) LOL. Just kidding. Not really. Ok yes, I've had 3 glasses of two wines mixed together + champagne. Sue me. No, but on a serious note, I am happy to be in a new year. Not just because of how crazy this year was, but because I love a fresh start. I am not the type of person who does the same 'ole New Year new me bullshit. I used to be her, but then I realized, It is a bunch of malarkey. We never become NEW people. We GROW as a person. Who we were is apart of who we are becoming and who we are trying to be. There is nothing new about it. It is called GROWTH. I love my old self just as much as I love the person I am now. The person I am now wouldn't be so great had I not been the type of person I was even two years ago. A new year gives me the feeling of a fresh beginning and chance at a better life. Not a new life. Not a new me. Just a fresh clean slate to be better. Any crazy mistakes I made in 2020, I can charge that to the game. I can tell myself: Well, that was last year. I have a road in front of me that is free of whatever craziness I had going on last year. All the things I can control, are in my control. I have the power to make sure that I don't slip down those slopes for this new year. Instead of making resolutions, I now make an "Intentions" list. A list of things that are in my heart and that I intend to do. Most of my intentions are things that I have control over and that will help put me on the path to greatness. A few of my intentions this year have a lot to do with my mental health, peace, and happiness. Making sure I do things that are good for my mental health and doing mental health check ins throughout my month. There is nothing wrong with resolutions. However, I feel that the term "New Year resolutions" has been played out over the years. Most people find themselves not doing what they set out to do a week into the new year. So instead, write a list of intentions. So you want to lose weight, huh? Ok, make an intention for the year to make healthier food choices and to workout at least 3 times a week. Instead of just saying, "my resolution is to lose weight", make sure you are putting yourself in the mindset of what you need to do to achieve that goal. Am I making sense? Do you catch my drift? Great. This year is also going to be a very full year for me. Not only did I just get accepted to the Creative Writing Review Club at my University, but I am now enrolled in two different programs at the same time. Yes, you heard right. I am pursing my Bachelors in Creative Writing and English at SNHU which I am set to graduate in 2022 and I am now enrolled in a Medical Billing and Coding online program as well. I know right. You're thinking that I am nuts. I know. The reason why I decided to take up Medical Billing and Coding is because I have found how much I love working from home. I also have some medical background and the medical field was my second passion after writing. The thing is, is that I know that a writing degree will only take me so far, but I love to write. Don't get me wrong, there is money to be made and ya girl will make it! I will love to one day work in a publishing house and edit manuscripts while simultaneously writing short stories, poetry books, and novellas. However, I know that sometimes things don't always go the way we want. So, I wanted to make sure to pick up a trade that will make sure I will always have a way to make money. That way, I am not a "struggling writer or freelance editor" and I won't be so worried if a book doesn't do well or if I don't get as many editing clients. I will still have another source of income. This year is full of opportunity for me and I cannot wait to see what is in store. I hope that every single person reading this has an abundantly blessed year. 2021 will be good to us, but even if it isn't, we will progress and push forward. That is what we were made to do. Comment down on this post and let me know what some of your intentions are! Look out for a new short story coming this month! Peace and love my friends! Happy New Year! We all want to be vulnerable right? We all want somebody who we can be completely naked with in all the ways. We want somebody who won't take advantage of our kindness, our weaknesses, our hope and dreams.
We all hurt differently, we all love differently and that is what makes the game of Love so challenging. If we all loved the same and hurt the same we would know what not to do to the other person. OR exactly what to do... See, there is a reason we are all not supposed to love the same. The way we love can hurt us in a way that we cannot come back from and the way we hurt, can hurt the people we love and/or that love us in a way they cannot come back from. It is all a vicious cycle and in the end we all end up just hurting each other. The issue with a lot of people is we think that if we open up our self like a blooming flower that the other person will submit and love us the way we love them. Well, I am here to tell you that that is complete bullshit. I am sorry. If you continue to open yourself up wide like a flower you will lose at this game called love. Allow yourself to have depth. Allow yourself to have substance. Allow yourself to have LAYERS. Do not apologize for having layers. Do not apologize for making people have to prove themselves to you first. We are at WAR and love is THE battlefield. It isn't just a battlefield, it's THE battle field. We are all fighting for love, affection, attention. At all times we are fighting for love. When you're alone and single, you're fighting your own self to love yourself. You battle daily with you doubts, your insecurities, your negative thoughts about yourself. You want to love yourself, but a lot of times it's hard, so you're battling yourself. When you're in a relationship, you're fighting for that person to love you the way YOU want to be loved, you want them to let you love them all the way and not just part of the way. You even fight for love in your family relationships. Maybe your mom shows more love and attention to the prodigy of the family. Maybe your dad is harder on you than anyone else and you want them to love you with more compassion. Regardless where we are in life, we are all fighting for love. LOVE is THE battlefield. So, with that, with knowing that we are at war for a good portion of our lives, the last thing we need to do is allow somebody to have the recipe to hurt us. Do not surrender, until you know for sure that this person no matter who they are, deserves that. Playing the victim in the relationship does not hold weight, even though we think it does, it does not. Weakness does not win and only the strong survive. Protect your feelings and your heart. Peel back the layers of who you are only when that part of you is ready to be released. If you open yourself up all at once, what is the other person fighting for? You have to give that person something to fight for you have to challenge them. When you open up yourself and you show people which buttons to push, when you show people where you hurt, when you show people what makes you weak, they use it. Even the best of the best person will hurt you at some point if you give them that recipe. People only do what you allow and how can you expect them to do anything different, from what you you've allowed them to learn about you. I have suffered from this all my life. I've opened up my whole heart, my whole self. I put my feelings in a envelope and put that other person's address smack dab in the middle and sent that shit off like nothing. It is NOT o.k. Be smart, love, but be smart about it. You can love somebody without opening up your complete heart and soul to them. Leave some room for yourself. Love yourself too, because when you lose yourself in a person because you've given them your all, where are you in that equation? They can see that you are no longer your own person. You've given yourself to them, you're their puppy now. They have the recipe to who you are and with that, they can literally control everything about you. They can make you cry, happy, sad, mad all in the same day. Do you want that? I didn't think so. Trust me just the same as you don't want that, that other person does not want it either. Who wants somebody who is easy? People love a challenge regardless of what anyone says, people love a challenge. They love a thrill and if you're not that, you're going to get ran over and stepped on. Play the game with your head and not your heart. Your heart does not think, it feels and we as a people who are supposed to be fighters cannot fight with our feelings. When you're out on a playing field, is it your heart or your mind that is making the moves? You heart may have got you there, but it is your mind that is navigating. Allow your mind to take you through this love game and allow your heart to love, but not be weak. Love, but be smart. Love, but understand the game. Love, but also love yourself. Love, but don't sell yourself short. Peace out ya'll. Good Morning Guys. I just had my morning coffee on my porch and as i'm sitting here I start to realize everything that is going on around me. The wind, the trees swaying, the birds chirping, everything. Just the freedom to be able to sit on my porch and drink coffee and enjoy the fresh air is so important to understand. Some people can't even sit outside without the fear of being taken or hurt. We are so blessed right now in this moment to see have the freedoms that we take for granite. Just to be able to get in my car and drive is a blessing.
So today I'd like to talk a little bit about my anxiety and depression. I can say that it has not been the easiest. I've tried to make sense of it for years and just this year I started coming to terms with what exactly causes that part of me to be at the forefront. I am one of those people who lives in their HEADS. What does that mean? It means that I cannot enjoy the moment that is in front of me. I dwell on the past, I worry about the future, but for some reason I cannot enjoy the now. I am so afraid that something is going to ruin now, so I chose to not be excited about now. Crazy huh? Yeah well, the thing is, is that this has been something that has been going on for years. Even sometimes when I actually am enjoying the now, something comes over me and I realize that "hey, you're enjoying the now, what are you doin'?!" At that very moment, any negative emotion, any emotion period rushes to my brain. For some reason I am just incapable of being apart of the now and that has always bothered me. I look out into the world and see so many people enjoying life and look like they have not a care in the world and I get jealous sometimes, it is hard. Being a mom makes it even harder because we want so badly to just be normal. To be happy. To be in the moment and to enjoy moments for our kids and for a lot of us that does not happen. Having anxiety and not being able to be in control causes the depression. You're depressed because you wish the things that make you anxious, didn't. You wish that people would understand you and why you think the way you do, and they don't. You want to be happy, but you can't. As a mom who lives with anxiety, trying to keep it together in front of the little one is truly a full time job. Trust me, I KNOW. I have been there. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder twice, once by my psychiatrist and once by my PCP. It was not a surprise, however I realized that if I wanted to overcome this, I had to figure out a way to do it on my own. I understood what was causing my anxiety peak last year and I took action. The marriage that I was in put added stress on my heart and mind thereby causing my anxiety to go haywire. I knew for a fact that I was allowing things that I should not be allowing, I started to have anxiety attacks, I was drinking a lot, wanting to get out with my aunties a lot, who at the time had no idea that I was so depressed in my marriage. For a long time I did not know what was causing my anxiety to get worse and then I started to see patterns. Anxious feelings and crying spells came when I was getting talked to a certain way by my husband at that time, or when we would fight (disrespectful words and belittling). I started to say hmm, I think I see what is causing this to be worse. Because I would make excuses for him all the time. I loved him so much that I did not care how I had to do it, I made sure to make excuses and lies about why I was having anxiety and why I was crying. Nobody knew, NOBODY, except one person, Kay, shout out to you girl, but I called her and cried several times during 2019 because I had to talk to somebody! The person I talked to was somebody who was not around us on a daily so she couldn't judge me or him. Even if she did judge him, it didn't matter because she was family to him. I was able to get advice from her and just a listening ear, she really helped me not literally lose my mind. Now, I will say within the last few weeks when shit was just over the top, a few people started to see the real us and it just started to become even clearer that I couldn't go through that anymore. I think a lot of us women especially women with kids, we get a lot of our anxiety from the relationships that we put ourselves in. We feel like since we have kids by this person that we should stick it out for the family. Sometimes honey, that is just not the best option by any means. I cannot speak for everyone, but what caused my anxiety to reach the point it did last year was being in a unhealthy relationship. Now having been out of that relationship, my anxiety has cut down at least 90% and depression 98%. I have not had a depressive thought in months and my anxiety only gets bad when I overthink situations, which is normal for me. I am an overthinker which in return causes anxiety. I am not o.k with anxiety being caused by outside sources forcing me to feel extremely low. If you find yourself in a situation where you know exactly what is causing your anxiety, but you're afraid to let go whether it be a relationship, a job, etc. Start by first standing up for yourself and realizing that your happiness is important! Especially if you're a mama. Your babies deserve for you to be at your best and trust me when mommy is not happy, they feel that. Make a stand and remove out of your life what is causing your anxiety to be worse than what it already is. Only then will you able to do things to cope with it. Because anxiety does not just go away, but there are things you can do to manage it, but by all means don't allow things into your mix that will make it worse. So I shared my story with you all to give you some insight into why I was so anxious and depressed last year and what cured that was LETTING GO. Sometimes all you need to do is let go. I was looking for so many ways to "cure it" that I was blinded by what I really needed to do which was let go of the toxic b.s. that I was allowing; but I will say there was a lot of things that I did, that helped me DEAL with my anxiety and depression and I will list them below. - Journaling - Reading + Studying at a place other than home. A coffee shop or bookstore really helped me clear my head. - Stepping outside to enjoy fresh air! We don't even realize how much fresh air means to us until we are at a place in our life where we start to notice the small things in life. - Cleaning. Cleaning helped me focus on something other than what was making me sad. - Coming up with a routine for yourself. "Sunday Routine" "Morning Routine" "Night Time Routine". Make a habit out of getting a routine together for yourself and your kids. Routines help build structure and what I've noticed a stronger mind. Getting into a routine helps you look forward to something. - Spa Night (or day). These were my fav. When things got real bad, I would go in the kitchen and whip up my favorite scrub, I'd pour a glass of wine, put a movie on for the kiddo, and take a long bath. I would scrub my whole body and apply a face mask. After that, I'd paint my nails, I'd read, I'd journal, I would do any and all things that made me happy even if it was a little thing. - Taking my son to the park. Seeing him happy and smiling gave me a reason to keep pushing forward. - Prayer. Simply praying and asking the Lord to humble me, show me signs, cover me and my mind. Thanks for reading & if you made it all the way through, you're the real MVP. Love yall and a new post will go up this coming Friday! Hello Friends. Welcome to the very first Wine Talk on my Blog. I am a blogger not a vlogger, so if you're into vlogs I am so sorry. I love the act of reading, I love the act of writing so instead of videos I blog!
Today is not going to be on specific topic, I am just going to be talking about recent events going on in my life, my thoughts about certain things that are happening right now. The last few weeks have just been A LOT! I literally just moved to New Orleans on the 15th of February and shit wanna get all critical! I literally cannot believe what is happening right now in the world with this Coronavirus thing. It has been hard to come to terms with the fact that we are literally being quarantined, people are wearing masks and gloves everywhere, there is a food shortage in the New Orleans area, the sewers are being clogged due to people using alternatives because tissue is running low; it has just been a literal shit show. I am not complaining that much because Jeremy has been so great during this time with having his head in the game! Making sure that we are prepared and not going without. It is just hard to cope with because we are supposed to be out right now on the River Walk, going to the Museums, going to the festivals, it just was not supposed to be this way :( . He is better than I am when it comes to crisis situations. He's more like f*ck it, this is the new normal and this is how we are going to deal with it. I however, am drinking 4 glasses of wine a day trying to figure out life; but hey, balance! I think the last 2 days have been the worst for me because I literally just got accepted into Southern New Hampshire University for the Bachelors Program in Psychology and I am sooooo excited; but that brings my anxiety also to a whole new level because what if things get worse!?!!!??? I want to be able to finish school and become successful I don't want things to get so bad that schools shut down, financial aid is no longer a thing and life as we know it is ruined. I have literally just been taking things one at a time & trying to be more positive instead of thinking so negatively. Jeremy has been so great though. He makes me feel really safe during this time and just safe in general. I could not have asked for a better partner in this type of crisis. Sometimes I just cry. I shed real tears because I never in a million years thought that I would be able to have someone who matched my energy in life and in a relationship. Now, don't get me wrong, we are different in a lot of ways, but not in the ways that will cause us to be mean and disrespectful to each other. He understands things and he understands how to love me, how to be honest with me, and how to be firm with me all at the same time. Lets face it, a lot of us women sometimes don't know when to shut up; BUT, its better to have a man who can handle you the right way than a man who only knows how to lash out. Anyway, he has been such a voice of reason during this weird crazy time. I really believe that this whole virus thing is a lot more than just the virus. There are sooooo many other factors to this whole thing. I am a conspiracy theorist a lot of the time and I don't care, sue me. There is a lot of things we think we know that we don't know shit about! Since I just restarted my blog, I am going to be going into detail within the week about what I believe is also going on besides the virus while also throwing in some fun quarantine activities for you and the family just so we aren't in such a bad mood. There are a lot of topics I want to touch base on while we are all being confined to our homes so just stay tuned! New posts will go live every Friday Night, Sunday Morning & Monday Morning! That's all for tonight, time to make dinner and pour another glass! CHEERS! BOTTOMS UP! & lets all stay clean and tipsy this weekend. :) |
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