Why Focusing on Yourself in Your Relationship is Mandatory for a Healthy Relationship & Longevity
For a long time I had a lot of growing up to do. I never really wanted to take a look in the mirror and see myself for who I really was. All I ever wanted to do was look at whoever I was dating or in a relationship with. Nothing ever struck me to say you know what, what is it about me that makes me who I am right now and what qualities in myself do I need to change? For the longest time, I was little Ms. Perfect. Completely consumed by my ego and my beauty. I'm beautiful, I love hard and I don't cheat. Any man would be so lucky to be with me and nothing about me needs changing. I figured because I had depth to me and I wasn't shallow at a young age that I was the pick of the litter. And while I have always been different and someone to love, I have not always been the woman that I believe was ready for true commitment and that is okay. Getting married at a young age and truly getting my heartbroken taught me so much about myself. But during the time that I was so broken, I was still only focusing on the other person. I didn't want to look deep into myself and figure out what about me I needed to change. What about me I needed to fix in order to grow.
Of course, getting out of that marriage was the first step, but it never dawned on me that maybe, just maybe if I focused on myself and I stopped being so wrapped up in this other person, maybe things would be different for me. When I say different I mean my mindset, the way things were happening around me, my reaction to things, my love for myself, understanding my value, focusing on my dreams, all of it.
What I learned, and it took trial and error to learn this, was that being completely consumed by the other person makes you less desirable, less attractive, and less interesting. Honestly what we think we are doing by allowing ourselves to be completely consumed we are actually doing the opposite. We think that by pouring so much into another person, being solely focused on them, waiting on them hand and foot, etc is going to get us where we want to be with them. This is NOT true. Understanding this comes with maturity and experience, but also listening to others around you who've gone through that. I know people who are way older than me that still allow themselves to be consumed by who they're currently in a relationship with. This goes to show that not everyone matures just because they are older and I'm sure by now we have all gotten a glimpse of a person like this.
I remember a time where I ate, slept, and literally inhaled whatever my partner was doing. I mean, I've been a writer/creator ever since I could remember. I won a creative writing award in 3rd grade after writing a little 5 page children's book. I've always had this passion and other passions. I've always had something that I wanted to pursue beyond the norm. But yet, I slowly tucked everything away and allowed myself to be utterly consumed by other people. I kept this up from age 14 all the way until I was 23. All those years I spent barely writing, barely doing what I knew was good for me, and spent it trying to make whoever I was with happy, build them up, make them better, better their life, and make sure they were always good. Although at the age I am now I don't really count high school relationships, I can say all of the decisions I made to constantly lose myself in another human being cost me years of creativity. Years of working on myself. Years of bettering myself and becoming a better woman. Although some would say that what I was doing was a selfless act, it wasn't. My ego was completely wrapped up n wanting to be the hero of someone else's story. I wanted to be the reason they woke up and said, what would I have done without her? Yes, everything I did for those years my heart was into. But I'd be lying if I didn't say my ego didn't get a nice kick out of being the person in their life they could solely count on and depend on. Where did it always land me? Heartbroken and cheated on. Why? Because, I continued to lose sight of where I wanted to go and what I needed to be doing for myself. My entire world revolved around this other person. Is that an excuse for them to cheat? No. But, like I always talk about on my Instagram and everywhere else, ACCOUNTABILITY is very important. No, I shouldn't have gotten cheated on. But, what about me at that point when that person decided to look else where was intriguing? Nothing. You know why? Because my entire life is about you. The person you're with spends every waking minute with themselves. Do you think that they really want to be with someone who living and breathing whatever they are doing? Absolutely not.
This type of mindset is completely unhealthy and it brings so much toxicity to the foundation of the relationship. We have to understand that when we meet someone and they see us doing us, that's a turn on. Not only is it a turn on, it's extremely interesting and intriguing. Like wow, she's a writer, she has dreams, she has goals, she's in her bag. Do not lose sight of the things about you that made that other person interested. In the end, you will only end up more insecure, hurt, and lonely.
I say lonely because for so long, I wasn't good company to keep by myself. When I was alone, I truly felt alone. I didn't even feel my presence. I didn't feel anything because at that time I had nothing to give myself. I had given everything I had to someone else. I always had to have someone around me and always needed to keep other company. Now that I've grown out of that and grown to love who I am, I love spending time with myself. I have gone on solo dates with myself. Went and sat and ate at tacos and drank margaritas by myself. Why? Because I love me. I love who I am now so I am totally ok to be alone sometimes without other people around me. This is because I have found a sense of self worth and self security. I do not need my partner to provide me with the things I need to be providing for myself.
We tend to think that a man/woman is supposed to validate us and if they don't then, something is wrong. Constantly needing attention, constantly needing reassurance, constantly needing to know if that person still loves you, all of that comes from being very insecure. If you are secure in who you are, JUST YOU alone can provide that security. Of course our partners need to pay attention to us! But, there is a difference in the attention that is needed when you are secure in yourself. It no longer becomes a need, it becomes a bonus. He can tell me I'm beautiful today and not say it again for 2 more weeks and I am okay with that because I know I'm beautiful. He can go and be gone the entire day out with friends, or go hangout at night somewhere and I tell him to have fun and I genuinely mean that, why? Because while he's away I'm focused on me. I'm writing, I'm creating, I'm doing what I need to do for me. I am making sure that I never lose sight of who I am. Even when we are around each other I make sure to find time to do me. I love when I'm in the other room working on my craft and he comes and asks me baby what you doing, what you working on. It lets me know that he is interested in what I got going on. Why? Because I've found a way to make myself interesting even while still being in a relationship and that is the key to longevity. Stay interesting. Continue to work on you. Continue to pour into you. Make time for you. Doing these things will keep you on grounded in who you are and it will keep your partner on their toes.
You do not want to wrap your life around another person. I don't care how long you've been together, I don't care how much you feel like you need to know what they're doing every waking minute. I don't care if you feel like you need to keep them on the tightest leash. Keeping a man/woman on a leash is a full time job and guess what is suffering when you're doing all of these things? You and your ability to be desirable, intriguing, and different from the rest. Now, you are no different than Kelly up the street who can't seem to get her shit together because she's too busy being toxic and constantly concerned about another person.
Be concerned about YOU. When you start to pour into yourself and into your world you will quickly find that you are not who you think you are. You will find that you are stronger than you believe. More capable of success and happiness than you ever thought you were. But the first thing you have to do, is pull your hooks out of whatever/whoever has your attention so much that your vision is cloudy and you can't see the light of your own life anymore. Once you make the decision to stop being the type of person who needs to live and breath your spouse, you will see the biggest change. Not only is it important to pour into you, but it's also important to learn how to take accountability, learn how to learn from your mistakes and make the decision to stop making those same mistakes. Learn how to be happy on your own and without someone else. Can you do this while in a relationship? Yes. But, your partner as to be willing to understand that right now, it's time for you to make sure you are working on yourself, getting your alone time, and finding the things about you that you need to change.
My spouse and I are true partners and that is why this has been a successful journey for me. If I need time alone, he gives me that with no question, vice versa. He will keep the kids so I can go have some hours to myself, vice versa. There's no argument with this either. We understand each other and we understand that in order to grow, you do need time alone to focus on yourself. But, it doesn't mean you have to be single, either.
So if your partner is not willing to allow this, then it's time to have a conversation and it's time to make some hard decisions. Stop allowing another person to have full control over you and what you're doing. You should be able to say I need this time to work on me, and that not be a problem. But being toxic is such a "cute" thing nowadays and I will never understand it. LET. THAT. GO. IMMEDIATELY.
Time is not waiting on us. Make sure that at the end of the day when you lay your head down at night, you are happy with where you are and where you are trying to go. Make sure that you love yourself enough to wake up the next day and be certain that you still have juice left to pour into your glass. With understanding this and following your path to restructuring your individuality, you will definitely be happier. Your relationship will be healthier. YOU will be healthier. And I promise, everyone around you will see you blossom.
Just think of me as Cupid's rival. 'Cause over here we don't just use our hearts. We combine the mind, the heart, and the soul for an epic love experience. Stay a while.