Why Focusing on Yourself in Your Relationship is Mandatory for a Healthy Relationship & Longevity
For a long time I had a lot of growing up to do. I never really wanted to take a look in the mirror and see myself for who I really was. All I ever wanted to do was look at whoever I was dating or in a relationship with. Nothing ever struck me to say you know what, what is it about me that makes me who I am right now and what qualities in myself do I need to change? For the longest time, I was little Ms. Perfect. Completely consumed by my ego and my beauty. I'm beautiful, I love hard and I don't cheat. Any man would be so lucky to be with me and nothing about me needs changing. I figured because I had depth to me and I wasn't shallow at a young age that I was the pick of the litter. And while I have always been different and someone to love, I have not always been the woman that I believe was ready for true commitment and that is okay. Getting married at a young age and truly getting my heartbroken taught me so much about myself. But during the time that I was so broken, I was still only focusing on the other person. I didn't want to look deep into myself and figure out what about me I needed to change. What about me I needed to fix in order to grow.
Of course, getting out of that marriage was the first step, but it never dawned on me that maybe, just maybe if I focused on myself and I stopped being so wrapped up in this other person, maybe things would be different for me. When I say different I mean my mindset, the way things were happening around me, my reaction to things, my love for myself, understanding my value, focusing on my dreams, all of it.
What I learned, and it took trial and error to learn this, was that being completely consumed by the other person makes you less desirable, less attractive, and less interesting. Honestly what we think we are doing by allowing ourselves to be completely consumed we are actually doing the opposite. We think that by pouring so much into another person, being solely focused on them, waiting on them hand and foot, etc is going to get us where we want to be with them. This is NOT true. Understanding this comes with maturity and experience, but also listening to others around you who've gone through that. I know people who are way older than me that still allow themselves to be consumed by who they're currently in a relationship with. This goes to show that not everyone matures just because they are older and I'm sure by now we have all gotten a glimpse of a person like this.
I remember a time where I ate, slept, and literally inhaled whatever my partner was doing. I mean, I've been a writer/creator ever since I could remember. I won a creative writing award in 3rd grade after writing a little 5 page children's book. I've always had this passion and other passions. I've always had something that I wanted to pursue beyond the norm. But yet, I slowly tucked everything away and allowed myself to be utterly consumed by other people. I kept this up from age 14 all the way until I was 23. All those years I spent barely writing, barely doing what I knew was good for me, and spent it trying to make whoever I was with happy, build them up, make them better, better their life, and make sure they were always good. Although at the age I am now I don't really count high school relationships, I can say all of the decisions I made to constantly lose myself in another human being cost me years of creativity. Years of working on myself. Years of bettering myself and becoming a better woman. Although some would say that what I was doing was a selfless act, it wasn't. My ego was completely wrapped up n wanting to be the hero of someone else's story. I wanted to be the reason they woke up and said, what would I have done without her? Yes, everything I did for those years my heart was into. But I'd be lying if I didn't say my ego didn't get a nice kick out of being the person in their life they could solely count on and depend on. Where did it always land me? Heartbroken and cheated on. Why? Because, I continued to lose sight of where I wanted to go and what I needed to be doing for myself. My entire world revolved around this other person. Is that an excuse for them to cheat? No. But, like I always talk about on my Instagram and everywhere else, ACCOUNTABILITY is very important. No, I shouldn't have gotten cheated on. But, what about me at that point when that person decided to look else where was intriguing? Nothing. You know why? Because my entire life is about you. The person you're with spends every waking minute with themselves. Do you think that they really want to be with someone who living and breathing whatever they are doing? Absolutely not.
This type of mindset is completely unhealthy and it brings so much toxicity to the foundation of the relationship. We have to understand that when we meet someone and they see us doing us, that's a turn on. Not only is it a turn on, it's extremely interesting and intriguing. Like wow, she's a writer, she has dreams, she has goals, she's in her bag. Do not lose sight of the things about you that made that other person interested. In the end, you will only end up more insecure, hurt, and lonely.
I say lonely because for so long, I wasn't good company to keep by myself. When I was alone, I truly felt alone. I didn't even feel my presence. I didn't feel anything because at that time I had nothing to give myself. I had given everything I had to someone else. I always had to have someone around me and always needed to keep other company. Now that I've grown out of that and grown to love who I am, I love spending time with myself. I have gone on solo dates with myself. Went and sat and ate at tacos and drank margaritas by myself. Why? Because I love me. I love who I am now so I am totally ok to be alone sometimes without other people around me. This is because I have found a sense of self worth and self security. I do not need my partner to provide me with the things I need to be providing for myself.
We tend to think that a man/woman is supposed to validate us and if they don't then, something is wrong. Constantly needing attention, constantly needing reassurance, constantly needing to know if that person still loves you, all of that comes from being very insecure. If you are secure in who you are, JUST YOU alone can provide that security. Of course our partners need to pay attention to us! But, there is a difference in the attention that is needed when you are secure in yourself. It no longer becomes a need, it becomes a bonus. He can tell me I'm beautiful today and not say it again for 2 more weeks and I am okay with that because I know I'm beautiful. He can go and be gone the entire day out with friends, or go hangout at night somewhere and I tell him to have fun and I genuinely mean that, why? Because while he's away I'm focused on me. I'm writing, I'm creating, I'm doing what I need to do for me. I am making sure that I never lose sight of who I am. Even when we are around each other I make sure to find time to do me. I love when I'm in the other room working on my craft and he comes and asks me baby what you doing, what you working on. It lets me know that he is interested in what I got going on. Why? Because I've found a way to make myself interesting even while still being in a relationship and that is the key to longevity. Stay interesting. Continue to work on you. Continue to pour into you. Make time for you. Doing these things will keep you on grounded in who you are and it will keep your partner on their toes.
You do not want to wrap your life around another person. I don't care how long you've been together, I don't care how much you feel like you need to know what they're doing every waking minute. I don't care if you feel like you need to keep them on the tightest leash. Keeping a man/woman on a leash is a full time job and guess what is suffering when you're doing all of these things? You and your ability to be desirable, intriguing, and different from the rest. Now, you are no different than Kelly up the street who can't seem to get her shit together because she's too busy being toxic and constantly concerned about another person.
Be concerned about YOU. When you start to pour into yourself and into your world you will quickly find that you are not who you think you are. You will find that you are stronger than you believe. More capable of success and happiness than you ever thought you were. But the first thing you have to do, is pull your hooks out of whatever/whoever has your attention so much that your vision is cloudy and you can't see the light of your own life anymore. Once you make the decision to stop being the type of person who needs to live and breath your spouse, you will see the biggest change. Not only is it important to pour into you, but it's also important to learn how to take accountability, learn how to learn from your mistakes and make the decision to stop making those same mistakes. Learn how to be happy on your own and without someone else. Can you do this while in a relationship? Yes. But, your partner as to be willing to understand that right now, it's time for you to make sure you are working on yourself, getting your alone time, and finding the things about you that you need to change.
My spouse and I are true partners and that is why this has been a successful journey for me. If I need time alone, he gives me that with no question, vice versa. He will keep the kids so I can go have some hours to myself, vice versa. There's no argument with this either. We understand each other and we understand that in order to grow, you do need time alone to focus on yourself. But, it doesn't mean you have to be single, either.
So if your partner is not willing to allow this, then it's time to have a conversation and it's time to make some hard decisions. Stop allowing another person to have full control over you and what you're doing. You should be able to say I need this time to work on me, and that not be a problem. But being toxic is such a "cute" thing nowadays and I will never understand it. LET. THAT. GO. IMMEDIATELY.
Time is not waiting on us. Make sure that at the end of the day when you lay your head down at night, you are happy with where you are and where you are trying to go. Make sure that you love yourself enough to wake up the next day and be certain that you still have juice left to pour into your glass. With understanding this and following your path to restructuring your individuality, you will definitely be happier. Your relationship will be healthier. YOU will be healthier. And I promise, everyone around you will see you blossom.
Why People Tend to Drift Apart in Relationships + Tips On How to Help Prevent the Drift Part One
Hello readers. Yea, I know it’s been a little minute since I posted something relationship related. When I make these posts, I really have to let these topics marinate. You know, being that I am as young as I am, the type of relationship wisdom that I have right now stems from what I’ve been through, but also my current relationship. But see, even we are still learning to navigate. We will be navigating the rest of our lives, but I have to allow myself to learn myself, my partner, and even the relationships that are around me the most frequently. I have to study people and relationships in real time to be able to provide authentic relationship advice. I’m no therapist, but I can tell you that my experiences have taught me a lot. The fact that I also have gotten better at reading people has helped a lot as well.
With that being said, I am here with one of the most anticipated relationship blog post I think I’ve had in a while because this is so important. Now, a little disclaimer. If you are who you are with are not meant to be, there is absolutely nothing that you will be able to do to save your relationship and end up not miserable. That may seem harsh, but it’s the truth. Most of us know when our relationships aren’t working out but we put so much time and energy into trying to make it right, knowing we are wasting our time. Everyone knows when it’s time to leave, but most of us get stubborn. So this post isn’t about trying to make your toxic relationship withstand the test of time. It’s just a few ways to keep that drift from happening that I’ve seen work overtime. Let’s get into it.
So let’s be real, everyone tends to drift. It happens and it’s normal. It’s up to you to decide what type of drift is happening in your relationship. Is it a natural drift where you just need to spice things up? Or is it soemthing more serious? You two are headed in total opposite directions in life and it doesn’t seem like you guys are aligning anymore with values, morals, goals, etc. That type of drift is a little more tricky. That one causes for heavy sacrifice if you are truly wanting to make things work. But, let’s deal with the easy stuff first.
A lot of the time people drift apart for several reasons. There becomes a disconnect in communication, careers or jobs start to become the sole focus, children are added to the mix, and sometimes you just start to deprioritize your partner because you’ve gotten comfortable and vice versa. All of these are completely understandable and natural! The thing is though, sometimes something so small like what I’ve listed above can make you think that your relationship is on the rocks. You may start to seek attention elsewhere and next thing you know, you’re doing something you shouldn’t do all because you’re jumping conclusions about your relationship. Pause. Take a step back. If you start to feel like you and your partner aren’t connecting much anymore and you feel that drift, it’s time to start doing things that you haven’t done in a while. That’s right. Yeah yeah, cliché I know, but it’s true! Now, normally I’d say sit your partner down and talk about this. But, today we are going to try a different approach. The approach is actually to say nothing. Ever heard that term if it ain’t broke don’t fix it? Well, what if you’re the only one who’s feeling this drift? Saying something about it could possibly plant negative seeds in your partners head and they may start to create problems in their mind. Even if they ARE feeling the drift, some things are better left unsaid. Let’s not take it to step 2 before step 1. Let’s start making changes without even speaking of a drift. This is also how you PREVENT a drift as well. You’re killing two birds with one stone. Again, If your partner isn’t feeling this drift mentioning anything could result negatively. Maybe there isn’t a drift and you’re just feeling less wanted these days. That’s ok! Step one is to start with actions. Okay, so you’re feeling there’s been a little distance between the two of you? Put forth more effort to bring that back together. Cook dinner for your partner if you aren’t usually the one who cooks. Surprise them with their favorite dish you haven’t cooked in a while and have an in house date night. Write them little love notes and leave them in random places around the house or in places you know they visit often. Have something sweet delivered to their place of work. Set up a getaway weekend for the two of you and play some rekindling games. These types of actions make you feel good because you know you’re doing your part as a spouse but it will also make your partner feel appreciated too. It can also open the door for them to start doing those things they used or do for you as well. Because all of us that have been in long term relationships know what it’s like to start to feel disconnected from your partner. Sometimes all it takes is a great night out and some good ass sex. That’s it. Sometimes that’s really all it takes. But you have to remember your partner. Think of them. And make sure they stay at the top of your priority list.
The point I’m trying to make is, sometimes, curing a drift is simple. I’m sure many people were expecting some drawn out formula to this, but no. It’s simple. Relationships can sometimes be easy! When you start putting your partner first and doing those little things I can guarantee you that you will start to feel reconnected to them.
Now, what if step one doesn’t work? Well, time to break out step 2. Communication.
Plan a night for you guys to sit down and talk. When me and my partner have gone through some major things, I’ve waited until the kids have gone to bed, grabbed me a glass of wine and sat at the other end of the couch where he was. This is how he knew some shit was up and we were about to have a very long discussion.
Bring up the fact that you have been trying for a few weeks to rekindle the little fire and they aren’t being receptive. At this point, it’s time to figure out what their deal is. Because if you’ve been putting in the time and effort and they aren’t being appreciative or they aren’t inspired to start doing little sweet things for you, there may be something underlying going on.
Make them feel comfortable to talk to you and don’t be too pushy. Come off very understanding and calm. Do NOT make them close off. Especially if you have someone who is hard to talk to/open up. You wouldn’t believe the type of patience I’ve had to have to get my partner to talk to me more about his feelings. It’s rare when we have these conversations but when we do, they last for hours and hours and I appreciate him so much more after. But, the key is to listen. LISTEN before you speak. Stop over talking your partner and trying to make a point. If you’re opening up the floor for conversation because you’re wondering what the hell is going on with them that they aren’t being receptive of your recent actions, that means you are allowing them to speak. You are wanting an explanation. So why talk over them? There’s no point in doing that and it causes tension and eventually a shut down. Then you’ve gotten no where. So LISTEN. Open up the floor for conversation and explanations. It could be something simple they’ve been needing to get off their chest and then you two can have a healthy conversation about it and settle things lightly.
Or, it could be more than that. That’s when step 3 comes into play. We will get into that more next month for part two of this POST. 🤞🏼❤️
Thanks for reading!
Well, hello there readers. It has been a little while hasn't it? Yeah, I know. It's been a crazy last few months. How have yall been? I am interested to hear how everyone's year has been going so far and your relationships if you're in one! You can comment down below anything you'd like to share and I would be honored to read it. Let's dive right in shall we? Oh yeah, make sure you have your beverage of choice that makes you feel good. Take a second, grab that, and continue to read. :)
Alright, got 'ya drink? Great.
So, let's talk.
I am pretty sure that majority of us are all well aware that we are not living in the 50's and 60's anymore. Meaning, prices of things today have tripled and quadrupled even. It's truly not ideal for a household to be a one income household, at least not right now. I mean you would be really pushing the limit if you are trying to survive on a one income house hold in today's times. What does that mean? Well, that means that in majority of relationships right now, both people are working and trying to provide for their families. Two people working, taking care of home, trying to get alone time for themselves, trying to get alone time together, take care of kids, and trying to squeeze in some social events at the same time, whew, makes me tired just thinking about it. With all of the everyday things we have going on, it is hard to balance it all. From experience and things that I've seen, a lot of the times our relationship gets put on the back burner. We end up putting our relationship on auto pilot while making sure everything else in our lives is in order. We will please our boss before we please our spouse. We will work overtime for extra money to be able to do things, but we won't put in the over time in our relationship. But then, we expect our relationships to just work. We expect our partner to not feel "neglected" just because we come home every night or we get in the bed at the same time. We expect our partner to feel as if they are important because we've sent a few texts throughout the day about things that probably don't even matter or pertain to their relationship. How can we expect good to come from the bare minimum?
What we need to do is understand BALANCE. Balance is the most important thing because once you've mastered balance, you can pretty much do anything you set your mind to. I am sure if you're reading this you are not only the victim of, but also guilty of being put on the back burner in your relationship or putting your spouse on the back burner. I'm not going to say it's okay, but it happens. We are human and we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life that we forget about the one person that we probably would go crazy without. Isn't that weird? So, take out a pen and paper because I am going to share a few things that I do in my relationship to keep the fire going and make sure that we both feel like we are being appreciated in our relationship and love language.
Balancing work and life is already a task, tack on the relationship and things get hectic. So, sit down with your partner today or whenever you have some free time and have a conversation. If you're noticing that things aren't going so well in your relationship or if you feel neglected, it's time to talk. Even if you don't feel this way, your partner could and maybe they aren't expressing it. It is important to know how your partner is feeling on a regular basis so conversations are important.
Have a talk about your work schedules or plans you may have coming up that month and plan some dates around that or time alone together. Not only just plan a night out or a night together, but start incorporating times everyday where you spend time together alone. Even if it's 10 minutes because work is so crazy.
Plan a date night every month. I say every month because depending on baby sitting situations, financial situations, date nights all the time may not be feasible. And even if they are, date nights are better if you go a little bit without them, at least for me. So once OR twice a month is a great way to keep things alive. Take turns planning as well. One month, you plan something special. Then the next month, let your partner plan it.
Throughout the month, make sure you're doing small things for your partner that are fulfilling their love languages. I am sure you know what your partner likes and a lot of the time, people forget and just do what they feel they'd like. No, do what you know THEY like. You may not like giving foot massages, but your partner may love that physical touch. Offer to do that for them every few days. Your partner may love words of affirmation. Make sure everyday you say something that you know will make them feel special. Your partner may love gifts or acts of service. Get them something they like and do the dishes or fold the laundry. You know, little things. This life is full of hardships, our relationship and home life should be your place of peace in this hard life. It takes some work, but if you make it something that is done constantly, it'll feel like second nature. Just like getting up for work every morning or eating when you're hungry.
Now what about small things to do on a daily to make sure you guys stay in tune with each other? Well, for example, if you have kids, make sure they are in bed at a reasonable time. A time that will allow you and your partner time to be up alone for a little while. So for me, when my partner and I were living together in New Orleans in 2020, we would put my at the time 4 year old down to bed by 8PM. 8PM was enough time for me and him to enjoy a nice warm cup of tea. We would drink tea together, stand outside together and talk for about 20-30 minutes. Sometimes longer depending on the conversation. Quality communication and physical touch are the two love languages that make me the happiest. Hearing my man talk to me makes me warm inside. So every night we would spend time talking together. We'd go inside and get comfy in the bed and maybe watch an episode of a show while cuddling. That was enough for me to feel validated and feel good. I felt appreciated and I felt like I was important to him because he would take time off of his video game or whatever he likes to do in his free time, and he'd spend that time with me. He loves physical touch. So when we went inside, I made sure to give him alllllll the good touches he wanted ;) Just that quality time was enough for me.
Whatever you and your partner enjoy doing together at home, do that together on a daily basis. If not daily, every few days. Taking a walk, playing a card game, having a conversation, reading together, cooking dinner together. I mean, the things you can do everyday with your partner that doesn't involve being on your phones and not paying attention to each other are endless.
During the day at work, make sure you are checking on your partner. That may seem like it's something you should already know to do, but what me and my partner do, especially now that we are not currently living together, is communicate throughout the day. "Grand Rising baby" is usually how our communication for the day starts. We say things to each other throughout the day that make each other feel special and we do that everyday. We send music to each other, funny videos, we ask each other how our days are going at work We make sure that other person knows we are interested in what they have going on. Send something sweet. Send a sexy picture sometimes. I mean, show them that you are still there and interested in them. Show them that even while you're busy at work, you're still thinking of them. I promise, these little things that you do keeps the fire going in the relationship.
Things are hard enough yall, lets make sure our relationships are staying healthy during these times while we are working our asses off to take care of the family. I love love. Love and relationships are so important to me and I love to give out small things you can do to keep it spicy and keep it happy.
What I want yall to do this week is find a new recipe, go grocery shopping and cook dinner together. Play the music that yall fell in love to. Take a walk down memory lane of all the good times. Dance in the kitchen barefoot. Have your favorite alcoholic beverage, get tipsy, and then go in the room and break the HEADBOARD. Or, ya know, the kitchen table 'cause I'm down for it all.
Love yallllll. <3 Talk to you again soon!
It's been a while since I posted something... I think I've just been so overwhelmed lately and in my head. I for sure needed to take a step back from my blog and get a sense of clarity in my mind. Really and truly think about what I wanted to discuss this month. If you read the newsletter, this month we are taking things slow and steady. Gearing up for the madness to come, also known as summer time. Where tensions are high, it's hot as shit, and kids are running rampant. I think this is the time to really just take a breather and prepare our minds for a new season.
With that being said, one of the topics that I wanted to discuss this month was how living apart can be good for the relationship. Not a lot of people are mature enough for this type of decision. In fact, most people are too insecure for this. What happens is, when someone mentions something like living apart or having space, most people think that the other person is trying to cheat, wants to see someone else, or etc. 90 percent of the time, that is absolutely not the case.
You have to think about the decision we make to be with someone long term, or forever. Think about that for a second. Deciding to be with someone forever. Do you know how long forever is? A very long time. It is unrealistic to think that you can spend day in and day out with the same person constantly and not get tired of them sometimes. It's normal and it's okay. It is nothing to be ashamed of if you need space from your partner. But, so many people take offense to that and that to me means that you are not ready for a relationship. If you cannot handle the fact that your partner doesn't want to be around you all the time, then maybe you need to work on yourself and your insecurities. I used to feel the same way. I used to think space meant that you don't love me or that you want to see someone else. I am so happy that I've grown past that stage in my life. Because space is good. Absence does in fact make the heart grow fonder, I am a living witness to that.
Sometimes, we make decisions with our emotions and not our logic. That is something that my partner says ALL OF THE TIME. Getting in our feelings and emotions, making decisions, and not thinking correctly.
When we do that, we do nothing but harm ourselves and our partner. Not every decision can be made from emotions because most of the time, emotional decisions are the wrong ones. But learning from it is what truly matters. My partner and I had to make some really tough decisions lately. One of those being, living apart for a year. When I've mentioned it to people, their faces dim with disappointment or a lack of understanding. But, what people don't get is that, me and this man have spent everyday together since February of 2020. We were forced to be around each other 24/8 when COVID hit. My pregnancy was even worse. Things weren't good for us then financially and mentally. We've been through a lot. We've dealt with a lot in the past 2 years. And even though it made us stronger, it made us realize that in this short amount of time, we've gone through soooooo much. So much struggle. So many obstacles. So many trials. And as beautiful as it is that we've gotten through it together, we've realized that living apart would help us see each other in a different light. Because, if you are constantly going through a struggle and a battle with something in the presence of someone else or with that person, it overpowers and overshadows the things in that person that you would rather see. In other words, you start to take that person for granted. Because all you see are the things yall are struggling with. You forget the good things about them. You may start being more agitated with them and acting a certain way. You are probably seeing them like that more than you are seeing the good things. So, when you're living apart, and you both are on your shit, and you aren't getting too comfortable, it keeps that good vibe alive. It keeps the suspense and the fire alive. You aren't constantly seeing and going through a struggle with this person. Because THAT is marriage activity. You vow and promise for better or for worse. But, truly, to be going through a hell of motions with someone while under the same roof that you haven't made those vows to, is something that I feel like people need to stop doing. Because you're expecting wife/husband energy from a person who didn't even make that vow to you. For me, the idea of getting space and living apart and not constantly showing the struggle is a good thing. It makes it better in the long run, because it's like damn, I struggled with him, I struggled with her. But we had our separate spaces. we used our time apart to get on our shit. We weren't solely focused on the other person constantly. We had time to focus on ourselves. We got our shit right. Now when we come back together to live together we will be coming back greater. This may go over some heads. This may not make sense to all.
But all I am saying is, the reason you see people cheating that are getting what they need at home, but are too blind to see it, is because they are with that person so much. The relationship has gotten too comfortable. Maybe that other person isn't doing what they used to do. Maybe they are constantly seeing the ugly side of this person in a way they didn't before. So, they go out, and they search for something fresh. Something new. When you're living apart, you don't really have to do that. Why? Because now, you're going a week maybe two, without seeing that person. You are so excited to be around them when you do see them and everything that is good magnifies itself. That is the energy you need in relationships in the beginning. It keeps it going. Once it's time to take that next step, make those vows, you'll be ready. Why? Because you didn't already spend half of your relationship going through the hardest of struggle and bad times with this person. Now, we are taking that next step. Now we are vowing and promising that no matter what, I ain't going anywhere. And that promise should be kept, forever. So, take the time in the beginning to take things slower. Don't get too comfortable. Don't be so ready and willing to share a struggle with a person you don't even know will be around long enough to enjoy the come up with you. And most of all, do NOT move in together too quickly. Keep that fire. Keep your separate spaces. Because when the time is right for yall to take that next step, you'll appreciate it more.
Thanks for reading.
Dust off your notebooks and put your nerdy girl glasses on. It is time to take some notes. I am going to keep this post short and sweet because I expect most of yall to go hop on some shit tonight after reading if ya know what I mean.
So. We've talked about not settling for less in the bedroom and incorporating sex toys into your sex life. So, now that we've got that covered, lets get into planning a sexy and slutty weekend to put all of these things together. I love the idea of late nights in hotels with my man. It's something so scandalous and exciting about it. Take the time to plan a weekend get away with your sweetie. ;) . Get a baby sitter if need be, and book the hotel in a romantic place that you and your partner love to go or have always wanted to go. San Antonio is a very romantic city just because of the River Walk. The River Walk is extremely romantic. Beautiful restaurants, live music, lights, river boat tours, carriage rides and more. It's so gorgeous and worth a weekend getaway! Location is key, you want to make sure the place yall go has some type of romantic sentiments to it so you can feel the vibes the entire time. Make sure wherever you go, has a really nice hotel that you can snag. I'm talking a balcony, a jacuzzi tub, king sized bed, the works. A getaway is nice and all, but if your hotel don't match the sexy vibes, then what's the point? Next, make sure what you pack, holds the sexy vibes too. Make sure you pack all the sexy shit you got and get a few new pieces as well. Those heels you haven't worn in months? Pack 'em. That dress with the low cut front? Pack it. The lingerie that has the slit in between the legs? Bring it. Also make sure to pack your best smell good and some lotion that has shimmer to it so you're gleaming at all times. Thank me later. We are bringing all the sexy vibes to whatever city you run off to!! Get you a few new pieces of lingerie of different colors and styles so you can switch it up every night on the trip. We are not having any lazy and boring sex on this trip!!!! We doing all the tricks, we dressing down in lace, we doing it all do you hear me!? Along with all of your lace, make sure to pack those toys we were talking about and some caramel. IF YOU KNOW YOU KNOW! Go to a sex store together in the city your getting away to if you have to. That might be a nice way to have a little fun and break the ice if you haven't used toys before. Vibrators, vibrating cock rings, hand cuffs, blind folds, flavored oral sex gel, sex dice, oils, KY tingling lubricant gel, and more! Those are just a few of the scandalous items you should pick up. Make it a fun outing for you and your partner. Next, pick up some alcohol!! Now, my favorite sexy wine right now is the Silk Red Ménage a Trois wine. That shit? Whew, major major major horn dog vibes right there let me tell you! I absolutely love it. Wine is sexy and smooth. Now, if you aren't a wine person, pick up some dark liquor. I love Honey Tennessee Whiskey or Vanilla Crown mixed with Vanilla coke. Perfect mixture!
On this trip, make sure to do what it is you need to do, to fall back in love with each other. Maybe right now you don't think anything is wrong, and there probably isn't. But, a lot of the time, our every day lives are missing key connections in our relationship. We forget to romance our partner, we forget to make them feel specially emotionally and physically. Take this time to get back to square one. Get back to the butterflies and jitters. Most of all, have fun. Don't stress about work, bills, kids, none of it. Have fun, be sexy, be slutty, and be spontaneous.
Get it in whenever, wherever, however. Especially if you won't be coming back to the city for a while. Do shit you know might get you in trouble, but don't actually get in trouble, LOL, you feel me? Like, don't have sex on the balcony, but, have sex up against the window with the curtains pulled back. Whooops, did we leave that open? ;) Make all the noise and piss the people off next door because, why not? Go down on him in that big jacuzzi tub and make him feel like the only man in the world. Let him go down on you in the shower while it's steaming hot. Whew, yes. OK. Let me get off here, and get on something else. ;)
Yall be easy now. MEET ME BACK HERE NEXT FRIDAY!!! HAVE FUN <3
Erotic Fridays *Make Sex Fun Again* Does your Partner Know What You REALLY Like? Don't Settle For Less...
I mean, come on, let's face it. Many of us have settled in the bedroom a few times or another. Depends on how many serious relationships you've had. I ain't talking about no little fling. You usually don't settle when dealing with a fling because I mean.... flings are usually just about sex and aren't forever, right? I wouldn't know. But. What I'm trying to say is when people get into relationships they settle so hard in the bedroom and that shit just ain't fair. People really be thinking that the bedroom satisfaction is not as important as the satisfaction in the entire relationship. People forget, when you first seen your spouse or first liked them... most of the time there was some type of attraction there. I bet there were sparks flying and all. Those sparks and that feeling that you get right in between your legs when you were around your spouse at first. Yeah, you know exactly what feeling what I'm talking about. All of these feelings, on top of your spouse being the amazing person they are, made you fall for them. So, why do people start being lazy in the bedroom I have no idea.
Sex should be talked about pretty early on in a relationship. You need to know what that person likes and doesn't like. Honestly. Some people downplay the type of sex they like to have and the types of things they like. Don't do that. And, it's not too late to share with your spouse your wildest fantasies. As you get older, the things you like may change. The things you want to try, may change. It is very important to keep your partner up to date with the things you want and don't want. They should be willing to try new things with you and compromise. Because, sexual pleasure is very important in relationships. So, make sure they know what you want. And they should be interested in the things you want because that means they are interested in you.
It is also important to make sure that you keep them informed about the things you don't want or even don't like anymore.
Like for me, I used to want to have a threesome with my man. People have threesomes for all sorts of reasons, but for me, it was really and mainly because I find women attractive and I wanted to enjoy another woman with my man on the side of me. I wanted to feel, powerful in a sense by pleasing another woman. Because I am a woman, and I know what I like, I would know exactly what another woman would like. That's something I used to want. I don't desire to have threesomes anymore as I've gotten older. So, that's something worth sharing with my man. Because in his mind, he could think I still want that, but I don't. Be open and honest with your partner. If you don't want it or don't like it say that. If you do want it or like it, say that. Don't lie about it.
When your partner knows what you really want, the sexual tension and the sexual pleasure is always on ten. Why? Because, you are not there simply for the pleasure of THEM, but you are there for your pleasure as well. It should bring your partner JOY to do things to you and with you that you like and find sexy. Something that I really enjoy is spontaneity and foreplay. I absolutely love not knowing when sex is going to take place. I also love foreplay. I love the workup to the actual act of sex. People tend to forget about the workup and that is one of the biggest mistakes you can make in a relationship. Not having that workup, can lead to needs not being met and desires not being fulfilled. Make sure you are on your toes when it comes to your partner. Don't settle for less in the bedroom. Be vocal. If you're missing something you need, don't wait until you feel the urge to get it from somewhere else. Tell your man! Tell your woman! It's ok to make them feel a little bit "embarrassed" by saying, check this out. You're not doing this and I would appreciate it if we could start doing that. Because if you're doing your job for them, they need to do their job for you.
So, your homework tonight is to sit and talk with your spouse and touch base on the bedroom desires. See if things have changed.
Then, get some hot oil, ice, and dim the lights. Blind fold him, put the ice in your mouth, and run it all over his body. Then, take the warm oil, and massage his entire body. Lastly, you know what to do ;) that's right!
Then, roll over and go to bed. Mess his whole world up tonight, sis. ;)
JOIN ME BACK NEXT WEEK!
Erotic Fridays *Make Sex Fun Again* | Learning Your Spouse + Incorporating Toys & Props into Your Sex Life
Welcome Welcome Welcome to Erotic Fridays. Every Friday in February we are going to be joining right here on my blog and talking about everything bedroom related. My saying is we keep it sexy, not raunchy. All the Erotic Fridays posts will be in PINK.
Let's dive right into the ocean shall we?
What does it mean to LEARN your partner? If you don't know what that means then baby, you are nottttt ready for sex. Look, let me be blunt, a lot of men and women don't take the time out to study their partner. If you aren't studying your partner in my opinion, how can you really say you love them? I'm just being real. You should know them inside, and out. Literally. There is nothing sexier than your partner knowing the curves in your body, knowing where to touch you to make your body quiver, hell, even knowing what look to give you to make you melt down to your knees. If you haven't studied your partner, get your notebooks out and dust them off. It's time to go back to school. You need to know your partner like nobody on this earth does. Once you know them like that, the power that you have is endless. I don't say power in a bad way, I say it in a very sexy and sexually pleasing way. YOU need to have the power to make them feel things nobody ever has. Watch the way they move. Watch their body language. Watch the way they readjust in their seats when you're saying something sexually pleasing to them from across the table. Watch the way their eyes surrender to you when you give them the look of seduction and pleasure just with a stare. Watch their body fall weak when you gently touch them. Learn them. Because sex is not just about the actual intercourse. There is so much that goes into it before you take it to that point. YOU AND YOUR PARTNER need to be so hot and ready when intercourse comes that you explode within minutes. Hell, sometimes seconds. Intercourse needs to be the last thing that happens. Unless it's a quickie. Quickies are fun, no doubt. But, there's nothing satisfying about a quickie being apart of your regular sex routine. I'm just saying what most women won't say. Quickies a lot of the time are merely for the pleasure of the man. Now, yall know me. I am the most un-3rd wave-feminist on this planet, if that's even a phrase. I am NOT feminist whatsoever. But, when it comes to sex? I am all about the woman. You know why? Because, most men get a lot of their sexual desires fulfilled every time they have sex. I am the type of woman that likes to take control sometimes. But, women need a lot of work most times to reach their climax unlike men. All men need to be is turned on and 95% of the time, they are going to climax. Okay, and what about us?! I can say the bedroom is where men and women can become really lazy. Let's not do that anymore. Laziness is not sexy. Now, am I saying you need to be up against the wall, getting rug burns, hanging from the ceiling? I mean, if all that is your thing, go for it! But, that isn't what I mean by not being lazy. I mean, work on your partner. Get them to that point of excited that they need to be. Send sexy texts throughout the day. Send pictures throughout the day. You don't work at home? Okayyyy hike that skirt up in the company bathroom and snap a pic. Pull the boxers to the side on your break in the car and snap a pic. I can promise you, even though they've seen it a million times, it will make them smile! Hands down! Send her some flowers randomly with a steamy note. WORK FOR YOUR PARTNER. You work for your boss right? You bust your ass for your kids right? You come running when family calls right? Oh, but your spouse they come last right? NO! They come first, especially if you're married. You need to make sure you are taking the time to make them feel special and wanted. You know she likes the room cleaned before sex? Clean the room. Light a candle while she's cooking dinner. You know he likes his feet rubbed after work and tacos on Tuesday? Do that. It be the little things. Make them feel good and get them relaxed.
Now, they're relaxed, the kids are sleep? It's time to do all those things yall was saying you was gone do when you get home while you were at work, LOL. Don't sleep on your spouse! Do what you said you was gone do.
Lets talk about the fun part, the toys. Ah, yes. Toys. Such a "dirty word" for a lot of people. Why? I don't know. Toys don't mean you're a weird super freak. Toys don't mean your man isn't doing his job. Toys make things fun. It's no secret that it takes a lot more work for women to reach their climax than it does for men. It's no secret and it's okay. But, with knowing that, we deserve that work to be put in. And even if the work is being put in without the toys, toys spice it up. One of the best things you can grab are "shaft" rings. I'm going to say shaft just for the hell of it LOL. No, but foreal. Shaft rings are awesome and you can get the vibrating ones. The vibrating rings can almost guarantee a climax out of her/you. Use props too if you don't already.
Blind fold him, drip him in caramel, and devour your favorite snack. Don't be afraid to let him tie you up, encourage it! Ask for it! Tell him, baby, take this, tie my hands, and don't untie it, even if I beg. LET THEM KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. Be vocal. Be likeeeeee, dadddddy!!!! Get the vibrator and oil, let's have fun. Tell him where you want it, how you want it. Life too short to be having boring sex. Tell her to get the caramel and strawberries. You HAVE to know, that when you're open and having fun, it really helps you and your partner reconnect. There's nothing more beautiful than a couple who desires each other and has fun inside and outside the bedroom. There is absolutely nothing wrong with using toys, studying your partner, sending sexy texts from the workplace, and trying new things. Tonight, try something new. If you don't have toys/like toys, that's cool. Tonight, do away with the 10 min missionary or reverse cowgirl and the roll over and go to bed routine. Get a few candles. Surprise your partner with a massage. Turn on some slow jams. I know 8/10 of you are not doing none of that right now. Or used to, and stopped. Lets literally get back up on the saddle and switch shit up. Try that caramel thing. It's messy, sticky, trust me, but, it will lead to a steamy shower together so it's worth it ;).
Join me back next Friday for more, we just barely scratched the surface.
Linked below are a few things I thought would be fun to read as well.
Confronting Your Partner About Why You think You're Not Connecting Like Before | Yes, Sex is More Important than You Think | Going Back to the Drawing Board - Part One
I’m not gonna lie guys, this is a topic that is so important to me. When I was in high school, I wanted to be a sex therapist. It was something that I was passionate about and still am. However, we aren’t in the times where people will call a therapist first. We are in the age of the internet, books, blogs, the list goes on. Most people, especially those on a budget, will go through other sources first before calling a therapist. Therapy is honestly the last resort for some people. But for me, writing has always been my number one passion. So, I figured why not mix the two passions in one? Ya know. Again, disclaimer I am not a licensed therapist. Any advice given on this blog is strictly my opinion and my experience. Do with it what you will.
So let’s get into it!!
First, let’s discuss the last post. Remember when I told you guys to sit down, write out why you think your relationship isn’t working like it used to. What happened? What went wrong? Did you do it? Hmmmm. I won’t judge if you didn’t. But I’m telling you, it helps.
So, if you did, it’s time to break it down to the spouse. Let them know you want to have a discussion with them and allow them to feel comfortable. Set the mood. Grab some wine, some dinner and let them know there’s some things you wanna talk with them about. Let them know it isn’t bad, you just have some things you’d like to discuss. Because let’s face it, when we label things bad when referencing conversations with our spouse, it makes them check out a little. I don’t like having talks about bad things. There’s nothing bad about conversations in a marriage or relationship. Even when it’s ugly, it’s never bad.
Make sure when you’re conveying your point, it doesn’t seem as if you’re attacking them. We never want to be the aggressor. If you’ve been in your relationship for a while, you know what handling anything with aggression isn’t a good thing and the reaction you get isn't the same as if you came correct, you feel me? So, make sure that when you come to you're partner, you did everything right. And, it hurts me to say, but I say this because if for some reason you have to call it quits, you know that you tried your hardest. So, have this discussion. Lay it all out on the table. Explain to them what it is that you think happened. Let them speak. Have this time to get everything out. Regardless of how the conversation goes, don't act on anything. Sit on it for a few days. Really ponder on how it happened. If it went good, that's amazing! But, let's say it didn't. Well, you have a few days to sit with it. Think about your next move. In the next post, I will touch on what to do next in a few different scenarios. But, marriage/relationships are work. Things take time. Don't react too suddenly. It's ok to feel. Feel the emotions that are brought on by the much needed conversation. Give yourself a few days to figure out your next move, and within that time, I will have something for you.
Now, lets get to the good part. Sex. Cause, let's face it, sex is always the good part? Amiright? Well, let me let you all know that sometimes, for some people, having sex with their partner is dreadful. There could be so many reasons why, though. Today I want to talk about why it's so important. It's said that men cheat with their other head, and women usually cheat for something deeper, which usually makes it worse. Ahhhh, nope! Don't even do it. Don't even say it. Yes, there is a double standard. And yes, I do agree to an certain degree. See, from my experiences with friends and family, I've noticed the same trend others have noticed. Most women cheat emotionally first. Then if it even gets that far, they take it to the next level. Men can meet a stranger right now this second, think she's fine, and next thing you know, they're in the bed with them. I mean, neither is good if you ask me! But, why does that happen a lot of the time? We need to ask ourselves first, what's going on in the bedroom. Because let's say that woman is getting everything she needs from her man, but he isn't connecting well with her in the bedroom? She might end up going out and looking for a man who wants to take his time with her and connect with her on a deeper level. It's the passion that's lacking. Trust me right now when I say, that passion is so important in the bedroom. I can't even express to you how important it is. Sex is more than just in and out in and out. Sex is more than just grinding for however long and rolling over and going to bed. Sex is a connection. Sex is an exchange of energies. Sex is beautiful. It is something that should be cherished. Now, I can understand once you've been in a relationship for a while, you may not see it that way. But, lets take the time you've put into that relationship and throw it out the window. Let's really look at this as if you two just met. That's the type of fire you need to keep in your bedroom. Why? Because, when you connect on that level, your heart, mind, body and soul, surrenders to that other person. You feel alive. You feel lightening through your body to your inner core. It isn't just sex, it's a connection. A deep one. And without that connection, most relationships WILL fail.
Once the years start to take a toll, TRY NEW SHIT. Look, Jeremy and I may have known each other for 15 years, but we didn't get in the bedroom until we were together as adults. It's been almost 3 years since we've been together and things are still fiery. But, me being the sexual being I am, I have a plan to spice things up in the next few months. New lingerie, toys, and more. Why? Because I think about my relationship and I think past the now. I realize that we've been together almost 3 years. I've realized that things could start to lose it's fire. So what do I do? I spice it up/take it to the next level before things get dull. Because I care. I care about me, him, and us as a unit. A lot of people stop caring about their spouse, sexually. They stop sending those juicy texts. They stop wearing the lingerie. They stop warming the other person up before GO time. Not me. I care about my man and his happiness especially in the bed room. Am I saying this is going to keep a man or woman? Hell no. Only thing that keeps someone is someone who wants that. But, I am saying that when things start to go south in the relationship, my first look is what is going on in the bedroom. To some, that may seem shallow. But, if it seems shallow to you, it's because you view sex as a shallow activity.
So, let's get reconnected in the bed. If your sex life is struggling, try some new things.
Buy that sexy lace unit for him, wine and dine her, send those sexy messages, add a little romance with candles and roses. Touch each other. Be one with one another. Relearn what turns your partner on. Relearn their body. If you've been together a while, I am sure your partner's body has changed some. Learn it, again. Touch them slowly and watch how their body reacts to each place you touch softly. Watch their facial expressions. Put in time and effort. We all love a nice rough quickie here and there. But, nothing in this world can even compare to a passionate night of love between those sheets with your soulmate. That connection makes a huge difference.
Okay, so, that's all for today. Trust me, there is more to come!!
Welcome to the introduction to my new mini series, Going Back to the Drawing Board. This will last from now until the end of February. Every week, I will post something new and notify my loyal readers! Im creating this series to help get some of you who have fallen out of love or simply off track in your relationship, find your way back. As I’ve stated before I am no therapist, however this is my passion and I want to share my knowledge and opinions. So, let’s dive right into what we will be discussing shall we?
We are going back to the drawing board. We are starting over and arriving back at step one. We are NOT passing go and we are not collecting the $200. We are grabbing our papers, pens, wine or whatever drink makes us feel good, and we are taking a step back. What happened? That is the golden question I want everyone to ask themselves. Everyone who is in a rocky relationship. Everyone who is in a relationship that isn’t terrible, but it used to be great and now it’s falling short. Everyone who doesn’t look at their partner and feel love radiating. Everyone who stopped caring about what their partner likes and started to become selfish. The list goes on. But if you’re reading this, you what I’m talking about and you know where I’m going with this. What. The hell. Happened. Who did we become? Why are we like this now? Why are we so far from who we used to be as a couple and as individuals? I want you all, before you read the next post or before the next post arrives next week, I want you all to sit and ask yourselves what went wrong. Ask YOURSELF. Don’t ask your partner just yet. We are going to take this one step at a time. Week by week and we are going to get to the bottom of it. But for now, take the simple step of sitting down and really asking yourself where it all went wrong. Write it down if need be. Once you do that, sit on it for the next week. Add things to it if you need to and prepare yourself to have a sit down with your partner in the next coming week.
This is only the beginning!
peace & love 💕
Why Communication is So Important + Tips on How to Listen More to Your Partner [ Part ONE ]
I feel like people will think this topic is played out. The word "communication" gets the eye roll when mentioned during a therapy session or whatever it may be where you've discussed issues with your partner. The thing is, communication is always going to be one of the top reasons a relationship can thrive, or run itself into the ground. The dictionary definition for communication is literally the means of sending or receiving information. This means, not only are you putting out, but you are taking in. Also meaning, yes you speak, but you're also hearing and receiving. ALSO MEANING, it is not always your turn to speak. A lot of the time, we always feel the need to get our point across with our partner and ours alone. We want to speak, but we don't want to listen. When you do this, you are creating bad energy in your relationship. The reason being is because when someone feels as if their feelings and words mean nothing, if they feel invalidated, it is only a matter of time before the find the first person who will listen to them. Whether it be a friend, family member, parent, or someone of the opposite sex to listen to them, they will find that person. That never means anything good for the relationship at hand. Before communicating with someone else about your issues, the person you need to speak with first is your partner. It is never good to run off and communicate with someone else while leaving your partner in the dark. But, sometimes, that running off and confiding in someone else is because the other person did not want to listen. There is always a cause to the effect. There is always a reason that the other person went off and talked to someone else. Is their partner always angry? Always pushing them away? Manipulative? Doesn't want to hear them? Speaking over them? I mean, the list goes on. There are so many reasons why someone chooses not to communicate with their significant other and if it is something deeper than the other person just being selfish, then there are way bigger fish to fry before communication can even be a factor. Today, we are only going directly beneath the surface. I will leave the deeper stuff for another blog post. Today, I just want to address the simple act of communicating and if the communication isn't happening simply because of a stubborn partner. Communication is so important because feeling as if someone is actually listening to you, is one of the best feelings ever. It can be as small as you mentioning to your partner something you really like and then a few weeks later, they have that gift for you. The biggest smile comes across your face automatically. Why? Because they listened. A listening partner is sexy as hell, let me tell you. It lets you know that you matter and that you're important. So yes, communication is very important. Because it's not just about the gifts your partner listened to you about. It's about more than that. When you sit and talk with your partner during a disagreement instead of yelling and talking over each other, I bet you 100% you actually HEAR what your partner is saying. When you're upset and yelling and disregarding the other person, most of the time you are NOT listening to them whatsoever. Doing this can cause you to miss the big picture that the other person was attempting to paint for you. Then once that person feels as if they don't matter, they shut down. Now, they don't want to talk anymore. You know what happens after that? The next argument, they may not even speak at all. Now, you have no idea where your partner stands on this disagreement. Why? Because they were drained from being able to speak at all the last time. It's a domino effect. Once you start the trend of talking over each other, yelling, and disregarding each other, things go downhill from there. After so long of it being like this, you get extremely stubborn. You naturally don't listen to your partner. You naturally disregard them in a disagreement. It becomes natural to literally disrespect that person's thoughts or feelings. Once that happens, everything is broken. Because without communication and understanding, there really is not a relationship. How can you be with someone who does not value your words, opinions, and feelings? Exactly, you can't.
So, here are a few short tips on how you can listen more to your partner. In my next post, we will discuss on how you can TALK better with your partner.
Facial Expressions. FIX YOUR FACE! Stop letting your face speak before your words can. If you don't look interested, your partner will be less likely to want to speak. Lose the attitude, lose the heavy breathing. LOOK more inviting. Actually care about what they are about to say whether you think you will like it or not.
Create an inviting environment for the talk. Once you realize a disagreement has come forth, stop it in its tracks first. I personally feel like things should be worked out in person and not over the phone or text. Sometimes, we can't help it and that's OK! But, if you are able to speak in person, allow that. Just say ok, let's sit at the table and get comfortable first before we continue. Pour some wine or some hot tea, whichever makes you more comfortable for a deep discussion. Creating a quiet safe space to talk and listen makes it a bit easier to have the talk and also to listen. So, take a few extra moments to prep the environment for a talk, rather than getting heated and trying to hash it out anywhere and everywhere.
Let them finish talking before you say anything. Think about what you will say as they're talking instead of blurting out whatever. Sometimes we are tempted to stop someone in their tracks and speak our peace. That is not okay in certain circumstances when you're trying to resolve something with your partner. Let them finish their sentence and their thought before you respond. Even if you need to get a pen and paper and jot down something you want to respond to that they said, that is better than just interjecting while they're talking. I have gotten so much better with letting my partner say what he needs, and coming back with a calm response. Of course, that does not happen all the time, but we are work in progress. As we all should be. Working on our relationships and making them better. You can do that by simply listening and letting your partner have the floor fully before you speak.
We all want to be heard, but sometimes listening is more important than talking. Because when you actually listen to your partner, you learn things about them you probably didn't know already. You be the bigger person and start being better during disagreements. Take these small tips I just put out and incorporate them the next time you feel an argument brewing. Feel the difference in how it plays out.
Lets love one another yall, tomorrow is not promised.
Part TWO coming soon! <3
Just think of me as Cupid's rival. 'Cause over here we don't just use our hearts. We combine the mind, the heart, and the soul for an epic love experience. Stay a while.