Keeping the Fire Going in Your Relationship11/15/2021 Welcome back to the relationship blog! This week is going to be a good one because we're going to be talking about REKINDLING the fire in your relationship & accepting change. A lot of the time we forget why we fell in love with our partner. We forget the good things about them, we forget to always look for new ways to make them happy, we stop trying, and honestly, we forget how the want to be pleased in the bedroom. We get selfish and we start thinking about ourselves and that is where we go wrong a lot of the time. People have this misconception that love is complicated and love is hard. Love is not complicated nor hard. You either love your partner or you don't. The challenging thing is working to make sure you're relationship continues to flourish and strengthen. Love changes and grows with time and with your partner. Your partner will not be the same person 10 years from now that they are today. Your love for them will change because they will change and it will either grow stronger for them or weaken. If it weakens it was never real love in the first place.
We all have to understand that we are growing beings and things WILL change. We must always be ready for change when it comes because if not, we're going to look at it as the person we are with is changing because they don't want us anymore or because they aren't interested in us anymore. Somehow someway, we will make it all about us when in fact it isn't. You know that totally cliché break up line, "it's not you it's me."? Basically, that is what's happening within your partner when things start changing within them. They are growing they are changing and you have to accept that. You yourself will also change and grow and your partner will have to accept that. The problem is more than half of us hate the idea of change and we create problems within our relationships that most likely aren't even there. We are constantly changing and so with that, we will constantly be getting to know our partners and learning new things about them. You may not realize it, but change is what can keep the relationship alive and thriving. It keeps you wondering what's next. Just like with me and my partner, we are changing every single day and still learning about each other. So when you're changing so much and learning more about each other every day, it is so important to know how to keep the fire going in the relationship. This may not apply to everyone, but when your partner is changing so much and you're acknowledging it, you may feel disconnected from them or like you don't know who this person is anymore. Or it could be that there hasn't really been any change in your relationship. Maybe you and your partner have fell into a routine and things seem like they're getting boring; or it's already there. Either way, you NEED to continue to keep the fire going in your relationship. What your partner used to like or get aroused about may not arouse them anymore or vice versa. You need to know what makes your partner happy and how to make them get excited. With that being said, I just have a few suggestions to keep the fire going and even a little homework for you guys ;). First thing is first, KEEP THE BEDROOM ALIVE AND BOOMING! Which means, if you don't do anything else, make sure the excitement in the bedroom is still there. (If your sex life is great, but other things are lacking in your relationship, then this may not apply to you.) Try new things in bed, make sure that you are not just worried about yourself and you are also trying to as well please your partner, keep it spontaneous. If you have kids, spontaneous sexual behavior may not always be the right thing to do considering there may be kids in the house. Regardless of anything though, make sure you're making sexual time for your partner. Make sure you're making your partner feel sexy. Role play if you're into that kind of thing, research foods that boost your libido and natural aphrodisiacs. It is OKAY to do research about sex even if you feel like you're the sex master. Trust me, you don't know everything there is to know! DO YOUR RESEARCH! Second, MAKE TIME FOR EACH OTHER. When I say make time for each other I mean just a simple 10 minute conversation at night once you put the kids to bed, cooking dinner together if the schedule makes it possible, calling each other on each other's lunch break at work, setting a time once a week that you guys go on a date to a coffee shop and talk for an hour. No electronics, no interruptions, just a conversation. Make sure your partner knows even on your most busiest day, you are still thinking of them and making time for them. Kiss your partner in the morning and at night before bed. Make sure they feel loved and appreciated by you. PLAN dates, plan night outs, plan family nights, plan plan plan! When we are so caught up in work or our own extra curricular activities we forget about our partner and it is no fun to feel like your partner is not making time for you, make time. Which brings me to my next one, ALLOW YOUR PARTNER TO PARTICIPATE IN SOMETHING THEY LOVE TO DO AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK IF TIME ALLOWS. If your partner wants to go play basketball at the court, or go to a hot yoga class, or even hit the gym, by themselves, let them! Let your partner get away once a week or every two weeks to do something they love if it's not something that their work schedule allows them to do everyday. In order for them to do things that make you happy, your partner has to be happy. They have to do things for themselves that make them happy too. Offer to keep the kids busy at home while your partner does something they love for an hour or two. Trust me, it makes all the difference. Especially when your partner is always doing things to please you, working hard every day, etc. They need time to themselves too. They need to know that you're o.k. with it as well. Don't make them feel like their extra curricular activity is putting a burden on you. My homework for you beautiful people this week is: - GO GROCERY SHOPPING TOGETHER. Grocery shopping is the most underrated form of intimacy. Grocery shop together & find a new recipe you'd like to cook this week with your partner. (Maybe research some of those aphrodisiac foods I mentioned earlier and pick up a few.) - TRY SOMETHING NEW IN THE BEDROOM. This one is self explanatory. ;) - HAVE A SERIOUS TALK THIS WEEK. Catch up with your partner this week. Pick their brain and see if there is anything that they need, see if there is something bothering them, just talk. Make sure you're up to date with your partners feelings. That's all for now folks. I hope this helps in more ways than one!
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It is not happy wife happy life in my world. It's happy spouse happy house! My man's happiness is just as important as mine and he is needed in this home just as much as I am, if not more. Lately, on social media, or in my case YouTube because I ridded my life of socials, I've been seeing so many things that go against the natural flow of things. I won't get into anything too controversial, but I will say that it seems to me like the world wants women to believe that they can do it all without a man. You don't need a man in the home. You can raise these kids yourself. Or if you do have a man, "leave him sis, you don't need him. We women we run the world!". Yeah, all that nonsense. Let me tell you something, we do in fact NEED our men. When I say need, I don't mean as in you become solely dependent on him. I mean, we need our men in our homes and we need them in our lives. This society today tells us we don't need them. I've seen women literally get pregnant and not even want the relationship when the baby is born just to brag and say she's doing it all on her own. Why? What makes anyone believe that it is cool to do it on their own? Granted, some people do walk away from their families, but this is not something just men do. Women do it, too. But I'll save that one for another day. We live in a society that praises single people, but most certainly single women. If you want to be single because that is what you want for your life, that is OK! By all means, do you! I am no one to judge. However, if you think that BEING SINGLE will be better because you are following a trend or are curious about what it's like to not have a man around, you are doing something wrong. There is a reason men and women are different. That is because we work, together. When you have a real man in your home, one who does his job properly and not half ass, trust me baby, you need him. Homes work better with both. They just do. The nurturing spirit of the woman, the wisdom of the woman, the calm spirit of the woman, the emotional spirit of a woman. The strength of the man, the authority of the man, the logic he brings to the table when we are having mood swings and acting on our emotions, the pleasure he brings his woman in many ways and the security and protection. All of those things are so important. That man being in the home helps the children more than you know. If you were a single mother, are a single mother, this is in no way a gut punch to you. I am just speaking from my experience. What it is like when a man is in the home and actively playing his part. Making sure the kids are in line and have respect, making sure there is order in the home and not chaos. You can say what you want, but kids have lots of respect for that manly figure. They are more prone to listening and obeying when a man is present. This may not be the case for your life, but from what I've seen in my experience in being in homes where a man is around, there is more order and less chaos. There's nothing like seeing order in a home that a man can create just by his presence. Not even having to yell because the kids already know what's up. There's nothing like a man coming home from a day at work, and he's happy to be there because he knows he's going to be treated like a king once he's home. The weight of the world can come off at the door because his queen is there to make it all worth it. There's nothing like a man being gentle with his woman, but also providing that protection that she is seeking. There's nothing like that man pleasing his woman so that she feels loved and appreciated for all the hard work she also puts into the home. There's nothing like that woman pleasing her man so that he knows he's appreciated and loved for everything he brings to the table. There is an undeniable, indescribable, unspoken, real love and bond when a MAN AND WOMAN are both working together in their home to keep it happy and healthy. Not just for the children, but for themselves also. Please, take the time to tell your man today that you love him. That you appreciate him for everything he does. Notice I said man, not little boy. If you're dealing with a "man" who isn't a man, I am sorry. I'll make a separate post on the differences between a boy and a man, because I've had both! And for the sake of different relationships, let's just say you guys aren't together. Don't live together for whatever reason, but he is doing his best to be a great father and not disturbing your peace, thank him for that. Thank him for trying his best. Sometimes we need to just thank these men for the things they do and stop singling out everything that they aren't doing. If you know the man in your life is doing his best, thank him right now. We all need love and encouragement. There's this thing that makes people believe that if a woman isn't happy then it's the end of the world. That may be the case, but what if the man isn't happy and doesn't feel respected? He's supposed to just take it? I think not! Make sure that man is happy, sis! I bet you if you're doing your part, if he is a real man, he will do his, too! <3 Hello Friends!
Wow. I know, I know. It has been a little while since I last posted. Life has just been really getting me these last few months, but not in a bad way. I have just had a lot going on so I've had to put the blog business to the side; BUT I am BACK! Lets just jump right in shall we? Grab your coffee, tea, mimosa because is it ever too early to drink? ;) So just wanted to disclaim that I am not a therapist and nothing I say on this blog is meant to offend anyone and their relationship or how their relationship works. I am still learning and growing in my relationship, but as I make mistakes and learn, I can share my experience with you guys and what I've found helpful. Today I wanted to talk about why it is imperative that we all have layers in our relationships. When I say layers I mean you want to remain a mystery in some ways. Sometimes we tend to say too much in our relationships. We talk too much and we overshare; and when I say we I mean women. Men, you really don't have this issue as us women are constantly trying to get you to talk about your feelings. But what if the very thing we are trying to get our men to do more of we should do less of? What if we overshare? This may not be the case with all women or men, but speaking from my experiences, I know for a fact that I overshare in my relationship. I wear my feelings on my hoodie and it has done more harm than good. See the thing is, when you are hard to read, you're more of a challenge and by being more of a challenge, you're more intriguing. This is not to say that you should be a hermit, but it is important to find balance with this because if not, you're going to be an overwhelming entity. Not just for everyone around you, but for yourself too. When you allow your spouse to know every feeling, every thought, every emotion that comes across your heart or mind, you are allowing them to see you fully. You're literally taking your feelings and smearing it all across your body on the outside and that is not o.k. You should never allow anyone not even the person you love the most to know what your weaknesses are and how you're feeling all the time. This is giving them the power to control you. When a person knows what your weaknesses are, they have the power to control you at any moment at any time. Create boundaries and layers within yourself. Find out what part of yourself do you think you're over sharing. Is it oversharing your anger? your love? your thoughts? Are you telling this person every single thing that makes you tick? Are you expressing your love for them too much? See, the problem that happens when you do this is that over time, that person figures out that they have the key that can unlock every part of you. No. Don't give them that. BUILD LAYERS. BUILD WALLS. Not walls that will make you never share anything, but put a wall up sometimes. I am learning that not everything needs a reaction and not every moment needs words. My man told me something the other day that stuck with me, "I don't speak unless I have something meaningful to say. I don't talk just to hear myself talk. I don't want to talk too much." That stuck with me hard. I realized when he said that, that I do in fact talk too much. Not to other people, but truly, to him. I say anything that comes to my mind and sometimes it is something that shouldn't even be said. Have LAYERS, again. Don't open up about your every thought, but talk about things that mean something. Those things don't always have to be about you or about your partner. When you do this, you're learning more about your partner and where their head is at on a certain topic. You're learning about how they think and feel about something that does not really have something to do with either one of you. When you talk about meaningful things, have deep conversations every now and again, teach each-other something new you learned, that is more important than constantly talking about your feelings, constantly expressing your weaknesses, making the conversations about you or the other person. Have some substance about yourself. Everyday does not have to be an emotional day or a day full of love and feelings. Have balance in that regard. Because when you're constantly expressing your emotions and love you're allowing that person to feel like you love them more than anything in this world; don't do that baby, just don't. It never ends up good for anyone when a person thinks you love them so much you'll never leave them. That is the type of thought you're putting into their head when you're constantly expressing your love for them over and over. There is a time and place for all of that. Every once in a while you can do something sweet just to let them know you love them and you care. A weekly gesture or something kind. It makes it more special when it's not everyday that someone is expressing constant emotion and then out the blue they do. I promise it is the most special thing because you aren't expecting it. That is what creates layers and mystery. That is honestly what keeps us women so interested in our men. They really don't express every single thing, but when they do we love it. When you're with someone and they don't talk all the time, and they aren't constantly expressing everything they feel, and they aren't constantly trying to be understood, when they do open up for a minute, when they do something sweet, when they do let you in, it's all worth it. Keeps things exciting, I know this because my man is that way. I have had to learn to be more silent and try to not let my emotions speak so much and just be spontaneous with emotional expression and not allow it to be a daily routine. If you need to cry? Go cry to yourself sometimes. If you think you need to have the last word? Be silent this time. If you know you're about to get angry? Go walk it off. Do not share every emotion do not allow anyone to see your weaknesses all the time. Whether it be you just being too emotionally involved in your relationship and not focusing on yourself enough, whether its constantly allowing someone to see what makes you angry or lash out, or whether it's you not having the ability to control your mouth and feeling like you have to speak. No. Just go silent sometimes. Silence is golden. CONTROL your emotions and don't allow your emotions to dictate your actions. Keep those layers, be quiet sometimes, not every emotion needs to be expressed, and I promise you will be just fine. Love and love hard, but be aware and know when it is the time and place for emotional expression. Nice chat everybody. Love yall & thank you for reading to the end. Hi friends. I know, I know. It is July *inserts awkward smile emoji*. I have not posted since April and I feel really bad about that! I started school recently and as we all know this pandemic has been tough on us all. Little to no motivation with a lot of the things we used to do, even for pleasure. I decided to stop being so hard on myself about posting and try to post once a month at least, maybe twice.
Today I have a topic that has been requested by a friend of mine and it is based on Insecurities. Insecure, the word that we accept sometimes when we tell it to ourselves, but a major insult if someone else calls us out on it. I am very familiar with the insecurities club and sometimes I can still be that way which is not good. From experience, insecurities stem from many different avenues. We can become insecure from being bullied, being cheated on, being mentally and verbally abused, comparing ourselves to others, etc. The list goes on and on. The thing is though, insecurities also stem from a small amount of weakness that we all have within ourselves. No, I am not calling anyone who is insecure weak, but we do have to take accountability that sometimes that weak part of our minds becomes hijacked by things we've heard, people we've compared ourselves to, and then that insecurity starts to push through until it becomes a big deal. Here is my take on taking your life back and kicking insecurities in the ass: L O V E YOURSELF FIRST. That seems harder than it sounds, but it should not be. We have to understand that we need to love ourselves before we attempt to love anyone else. When we love ourselves, TRULY love ourselves, insecurities are less likely to be an issue; but a lot of us don't really love ourselves. What I mean when I say that is that we may say "oh yea, I love myself", but do you? Be honest with yourself. When you look in the mirror what do you say to yourself? "Damn, I look good!" "I may be fat, but shit I be working these outfits honey!" "I am beautiful." "I am handsome." "I have pure intentions and a beautiful heart." Or do you say things like "Damn, I wish I was skinny." "That girl on Instagram I saw today looked better in this than me." "I need to start wearing make-up more, maybe that'll solve this." If you speak negatively about yourself to yourself, how do you expect to overcome those insecurities? I truly believe that before entering into any relationship, you have to be in tune with your self love and self worth. Make sure before you enter into a relationship that you are confident in who you are. Before entering a relationship, have a talk with yourself. Learn who you are first and know what you are comfortable with and what you expect out of a person. The reason knowing what to expect from a person goes hand in hand with insecurities, is because a lot of the time you can get with someone and they call you insecure because you don't like that they did this or didn't do that. They feel like you're asking too much of them because or you need this type of love or reassurance because you're insecure, but no. Do NOT allow someone to tell you that you are insecure or "too much" when you know exactly what you want! This will also eliminate staying in relationships for longer than you need. When you are confident in what you want, you don't play around with people who are not mature enough to love correctly in relationships. Know your worth before stepping into anything so when somebody tells you that you're insecure you can say "AHT AHT!!" No I am NOT, I just know what I want and what I deserve and that does not make me insecure. Stand on what you deserve baby you are gold. Also before becoming one with someone else, understand the things about you that need work on. Is it your attitude, are you truly insecure, do you have trust issues? There are so many different things that we don't like to admit to ourselves about ourselves and that is something that is crucial before entering into a relationship. If you are really insecure, that can be a big turn off for the person you are in a relationship with. Trust me, I know! Is your attitude bad with people for no reason? Maybe you need to work on yourself. Try to be a nicer person to yourself and love yourself. The more good energy you put into yourself, the more you are likely to put good energy out into the world. I know I've talked previously about love language and I thought I'd speak on love language again in regards to insecurities because this is a big one too. UNDERSTAND and know what makes you feel loved and appreciated. We all have different love languages and when we are not in tune with it, it can make us think we are having problems in a relationship when really it could be something as simple as not feeling loved properly by the person you are with. When you find out what you love, express that to them! Give them a chance to know what it is you love and see if they will comply. Sometimes all it takes is a little communication. Also, sometimes that person is one step ahead of you and they know what you like before you do. If you are with a person who listens, watches & observes body language, they will already know what to do to make you feel good and happy. If you are not being loved properly and your attitude reflects that, they could say that you're insecure or you're not happy with your relationship. When really, it all boils down to the fact that you are not being loved in the way that makes you feel loved, so make sure you communicate that to them so that you both have an understanding. If you listen, you are good to go. If they do not listen, then you know what to do! It is 2020 and we do not need to be wasting time with people who cannot love us correctly and make us feel like we are asking too much or being insecure when really, they are just not loving you the way you want to be loved. Before I go, here are some tips to help you increase self love and getting rid of insecurities (even those insecurities brought on by toxic relationships) -Try out "self care". Self care is a necessity in my life. I usually dedicate a whole day to myself to love on my body and care for myself. Self care is tailored to what makes you feel good and happy. For me, that is reading, taking a hot shower, washing my hair, shaving, using smell good body oil to moisturize myself, watching a show that I love and gives me good feels. Just a day of loving on me and taking care of my mental health. I even journal as well. Since I am in school and have household I am maintaining, I stopped being so hard on myself to journal daily and started scheduling one day a week for weekly journaling to talk about my week and express anything I've wanted to express. -Affirmations. Affirmations are very important! Get some sticky notes and write down affirmations for yourself and stick them around the house. On your computer, on your mirror,on your night stand. Tell yourself good things about you! "I am beautiful!" "I am worthy." "I am strong." "I will finish school." "I will get that promotion." Speak positively to yourself about yourself and smile while doing it! -Praying. Praying is important in my life. Ask the Lord to remove toxicity from your life. Ask him to guide you in the right direction and walk with you. Cover you. Help you be a better woman/Man of God so that you can be a better woman or man for him. When you are better for him, he will give you the strength and wisdom to be better for yourself, and for your family. -Do what you love. Daily. If there is something that you love to do, make sure you incorporate that in your daily life! When you do what you love, you are a happier person all around! When you are happy, your mind is filled with positive things and you have little time to worry or stress over those small insecurities. -Read self help books. Everyone needs a little help every once in a while. Reading a self help book does not make you weak or lost. Sometimes these books can really help especially if you are dealing with relationship traumas. You can find a lot of different books and resources to help you through a bad relationship and/or break up. That is all I have for now. I love yall. <3 Good day folks! It is day I don't really know of Quarantine and I can assure you I am going crazy. I hope I can bring some type of information to you today that'll resonate with you and if not that's totally fine. Thanks so much for stopping by to read and as you all know, if you haven't grabbed your coffee, tea or wine, now would be the time!
Today's topic hits home for me because this is something that I suffered with in my previous relationship/marriage and it something that I had to learn about myself from getting older and being more understanding that sometimes I could be toxic too. I don't mean the type of toxic you can see right off top, I mean the type of toxic that takes you years to understand because at the time, it seems like you're doing the right thing, but in reality you're hurting you and that person. Sometimes when we (we as in the people who love hard and have a natural will to take care of others and those of us who were loved properly at home) meet people and we see struggle, hurt, anger, lack of love, we naturally want to take care of them. Take them under our wing. Make them feel important, fix them, nurture them. Like mothers, or fathers if you're a man in this situation. Our natural caretaker instinct kicks in and we want to love on this person and make it all better for them and heal them. Also when this happens most of the time it is someone we meet that we take interest in for a relationship as well. We like them or who they are and we feel as though if we love them the right way we can fix them and be the hero right? WRONG! That voice that is inside our head telling us these things is not our heart or mind, but in fact our ego wanting to feel important. Not only is it our ego, but it is also a sense of insecurity within ourselves. Why do I use this word insecurity? Because, feeling like you need to fix someone so that you feel important or you feel like you made their life better is in fact an insecurity in my eyes. You want them to obviously be better and their life be better, but in that small selfish way, since it'll make you feel good and because you think you're a better person for that, you're insecure within your own self. Now, this may not be the case for everyone, but it is not a reach it does in fact happen and it surely happened to me. I was insecure and always have been insecure about the way I am and if I'm good enough. So when I was with somebody who needed me, that felt good. Like how fucked up is that? It's like when you're baby is a baby and they need you so much it makes you feel good and important, but as they get older and stop needing you it makes you feel bad. It's like yes you're happy they're getting older, but selfishly you want them to be young again. For some people it doesn't, make them feel bad but for people who need constant validation it definitely does something to them when someone who once needed them does not need them anymore. So, the wanting to feel good about ourselves by "fixing" someone else is our ego and the wanting to feel needed and important is definitely an insecurity because we shouldn't need anything or anyone to make us feel validated or important. I loved that man more than myself and I saw him as someone I needed to fix. Because fixing him meant that in the end he would love me more and that did nothing but enable him and tear my heart apart. By enabling him I made things easier for him when I should've let life teach him lessons. I did not want that I did not want life to be able to teach him anything because I felt like the way he grew up was enough lessons, so anytime I saw life about to beat him down I went and found any way I could to save him and why did I do that? I did nothing but enable that and some men, SOME men would look at that as, "man this woman is my superhero, I would never do her wrong she's done everything for me." That is not what went through his mind because I was still cheated on before marriage, and disrespected after we were married. I guess that is why it hurt worse, because I did all I did and was still betrayed. I used to look at it as just his fault; but now I see that I am to blame too. I was so worried about making sure his life was good, making sure that whatever he needed he had it, didn't want anything to happen to him, wanted to make sure he knew that it was ME who was doing everything he needed, and it backfired. By the end of it all, who was I? I had lost myself in a man. I loved him in a way that was toxic to us both because I made life easier for him, while making my life harder. By doing so I began to resent him and he began to lose respect for me somehow. I loved him in a way a mother loves her son and not in a way a wife loves her husband and that did damage. I never wanted him to make decisions because I felt like he wasn't ready. I felt like he needed to be under my wing and under my protection so any decision he'd try to make I was scared it would be the wrong one and I tried to intercept whatever was to come by just doing it on my own. That was not good. I did not allow him to bump his head EVER in our relationship because in my eyes he was like my other child. As I got older I wanted to love him as a MAN, but I couldn't. I had enabled him for so long that by the time he wanted to be a man, I didn't see him as that I seen him as someone I needed to protect. This has nothing to do with the way he treated me, that is a different topic because I did nothing for our relationship to end the way it did, but I am for sure taking ownership in my part of the way both of us are hurting today. I should've never looked at him as someone to fix and looked at him as someone who could also bring something to the table. I should've been more confident and expected more out of him, but instead I expected the bare minimum in the beginning and in return as we got older that is what I got, because that is what I ALLOWED. I lost myself by loving someone for my own ego to feel good and I taught him that as long as he did the bare minimum I'd still love him 'cause mama got you always and that was a big mistake. There is nothing wrong with being with someone while they're down and helping them build, but DO NOT ALLOW them to do the bare minimum. DO NOT ALLOW your ego to feel like if you do it all and you fix their world they will love you and respect you more. That does not always happen. In my case I was not loved more or less or respected more. Nothing I did made him want to respect me more and in the end my ego was killed and my insecurities about myself deepened. Why was I not good enough? Why did he do me this way when I did all I've done? I feel as in a way I was being selfish because I wanted to be the person who SAVED him so no matter how much it hindered him from making certain decisions or it hindered me from being loved correctly, I did not care. As long as I could make sure that his decision was not going to harm him, I'd risk everything. I did not allow life to teach him I wanted to be the teacher and it hurt us both. No matter who you are, do not take on another person as a project. You are not here to fix others. My kindness was taken advantage of, but I allowed it so I have to take some of the blame. We have to stop trying to fix somebody and realize that if someone is broken, they need to fix themselves first before they try to be in a relationship. Two broken people who feel like they need somebody else does NOT end well. Also, someone who feels as if they need somebody and someone who wants to be needed does not end well either. Because, is it the love that you're fighting for? Love and respect and the fact that this person treats you the way you should be and makes you happy? Or is it the fact that this person needs you and they need someone so you don't want to leave the relationship because you want to feel needed and they don't want to walk away because they need somebody? Questions you must ask yourself if your relationship started off by somebody needing somebody else to feel good; and somebody needing somebody else because they NEEDED somebody for a better life. This is why focusing on yourself before you commit is important. Had I loved myself and been more confident before stepping into that relationship I would've seen that, this was not the person that I needed to jump head first in a relationship with because at the time I had everything to offer in the beginning and he was broken. Had he worked on himself more, worked on his trust issues, and started to establish himself more in life before wanting a relationship, he would've never allowed me to try and fix him because he would've already been working on himself and he would've told me I don't need to be fixed I just need someone by my side while I work on myself. I would've never lost myself by trying to fix a man and he would've never been enabled. It is time for us, the people who try to fix others to feel good about ourselves to step up and take part of the blame for failed relationships. It is a very toxic way to love somebody when it starts out by you trying to fix them or you trying to be their savior. What happens is you become more of a mother/father than you do a spouse and you naturally want to be in control because in a lot of ways in the beginning you were in control. After years of this, when that person wants to take more control it scares you because you have no idea if what they're going to do is going to be right or wrong because for so long you were the one who was always right. It does nothing but harm both parties. Each person should enter a relationship with confidence and boundaries. What you will allow, what you won't allow and being confident in what you deserve. It forces the other person to work harder to be a better person for themselves and for you. If you allow the bare minimum and take on that person as someone to fix, nothing good will come of it. Love one another. Respect one another. & stop trying to fix each other. The only person who can fix us is the most high. Pray for your spouse, pray with your spouse. that is all you can do. Peace and love. Good Evening <3
Please, grab your wine, your tea, or your feel good drink and read on. Tonight will be short and sweet. I just want to talk a little bit about relationships and love language. Most people are not on the same level of romance in a relationship and sometimes things can get really difficult & stressful when that is the case. I have witnessed first hand that when relationships don't have a level of romantic involvement they can be ruined. You may think that the option to be romantic or not shouldn't ruin a relationship, but in all reality, being romantic and having someone to be romantic with is actually a love language. I want someone to be romantic and spontaneous to show that they care. Simple. You cannot love someone the way you want to love them, you love someone the way they want to be loved and in return they will do the same for you. I heard someone once say "You cannot focus on what your partner is doing for YOU. You focus on what you are doing for your partner. You focus on the way you're loving your partner." If you're doing the right things and they're doing the right things then what does that mean? It means a successful relationship. When you first meet someone, you learn a lot about them if you pay close attention. If you watch their body language, if you study the way they think, if you WATCH them, you will learn a lot. A lot of the time, people don't watch. They are so dead set on falling in love and making sure they look good the next time they meet or worrying about what the date will be like or literally focusing on every word that comes out of their mouth to make sure they don't say something wrong, that they forget to watch the other person. I am a woman who loves to be studied. I want my man to study me. I want him to know what makes me squirm, I want him to know the exact place to touch me, I want him to know when I am upset and I want him to know how to please me and make it all better. I want him to know ME. The problem with most people is that the studying part is too complicated. It involves too much time or whatever the case may be. You have to understand that people are meant to be studied. This is why I love Psychology so much because the mind is a powerful thing. Understanding the way someone thinks understanding the way someone wants to be loved is POWERFUL. Once you understand someone, I mean the hold you have on them is real. I don't say that in a way to make it seem like its good to have a "hold" on someone, but when you're taking your time out to study your partner, when you're taking the time out to watch the way they move and their body language and you being to learn when their mad, sad, when they need space, when they need love, when they need, to make love, I mean that says a lot about the way care for that person. Know how to love them. I know exactly what it is that makes feel good only then will you master the art of understanding your partner. So next time you're with your partner, no matter how long you two have been together, study them. Study the way they talk study the way their voice changes within the conversation. Maybe they're discussing a topic that makes them feel a certain way. Watch their body language and the way they move. They may need a really good massage to relax that tension. Study them. Romance is also very important and so is spontaneity because it keeps the fire going in the relationship and it makes that other person feel like you're still thinking about them even in your busy day. So ladies, do something sweet for your man. Rose petals in a warm bath with candles or a 4 course meal with a nice back and foot rub. Whatever it is you know your man loves, but maybe you don't do so much anymore, do that. Men get your woman some flowers and watch the kids so she can take a hot shower and actually get to shave her legs in peace. Cook for her and do the dishes. Small but sweet things mean the world of a difference. Often times we get so wrapped up in our day to day lives and kids that we forget to love each other. Love one another ya'll, life is too short. Wow! It has been so long since I've posted on my website. I have had a long two years, but things are trying to fall in place so I decided to start posting again and just being a voice for us young folks. Before I start I would like to say that I would never speak ill of my ex husband who is also my sons father. We did have a lot of differences, but I am not here to bash him by any means, but I do tell the truth and although a lot of what happened needs to be kept between us and immediate family, I can open up about things that I feel could help someone else dealing with the same thing. - 2019 was the most testing year of my life to say the least. I wanted so badly to have my family be together and thrive together and that is just not what happened. In September of 2019 I decided that my ex husband and I needed to split and be done for good. Years of disrespect, a few cheating incidents and unhappiness overwhelmed me to the point that I could not go on any longer; I really couldn't. We got engaged November 2016 and married in September 2017 and months before we were supposed to get married I found out about a really low cheating incident. I wont go into detail about it or the person involved, but it hurt really bad. I don't know if that was God's sign or what; but in that moment that I found out I had to decide whether I was going to call off the wedding or proceed. I decided to go ahead with the wedding even though my guts were screaming otherwise and I did that because I was 20 years old almost 21, I was a mother before I was a wife and I had been with him since my senior year in 2013. I did not want to lose all of that over cheating. Now that I am older, that sounds so naive, but at the time I felt it was the right decision for my family to keep us together. Keep in mind, at the time I found out about this, we were living with my parents. So imagine finding out about being cheated on, but having to hold it all in so your parents don't ask what is wrong. I was a train wreck on the inside and my heart was crushed; but I literally had to act like nothing was wrong in front of others to save face and it hurt like hell. I married him anyway despite all I had been through since I met him. So since our marriage did not start on grounds that were solid, it caved in. At the place I am at in my life right now I understand why it caved in, but at the moment I never thought that something like that would happen especially to a woman like me. I will FIGHT and fight extremely hard for somebody I love no matter what, but I soon realized that the older I got, the more I realized my worth and I couldn't allow myself to continue to be disrespected. There were other factors to our relationship that forced it to end the way it did, but like I said some things need to be kept between me and immediate family. The main thing though was disrespect and I know a lot of women deal with disrespect in so many ways and we feel as if that is okay sometimes or we feel that maybe we did something wrong and deserved the disrespect. I was one of those who knew the disrespect was becoming too much, but I would make up excuses with family members and others to try and make sure he always looked good and never looked bad. I wanted to always make sure that no matter how I looked, he still looked good and that quickly faded as I got older. I know it does not seem like a big difference, but being 20 and being 23 makes a difference!! TRULY! Sometimes you outgrow the things you've allowed!!!!!! This is a true statement that I came up with for myself to understand that I did nothing wrong by leaving. I had allowed too much and enough was enough. I never wanted to have a broken family. I never wanted to have kids by two different men. I wanted to be little miss perfect and that is completely not the move especially when you become a grown ass woman! You don't have time for the games or the disrespect so after soooooo long dealing with it, I just said fuck this and I left. I left and I looked back for a second, but then I got my mind right because no person on this earth deserves to be unhappy. No person on this earth deserves to be disrespected. When I left, I felt a weight being lifted off of my shoulders. I no longer had to lie. I no longer had to prove to others that my man was the best, I no longer needed to hide my feelings. I was able to cry without being ridiculed, I was able to vent without being called weak and I finally felt like I was my own person again; JUST by regaining my strength and saying enough is enough! I made the decision to walk away despite the embarrassment of "being divorced at a young age", despite the feelings of knowing I would have to start over, despite the fact that my son loves his dad more than anything. None of that shit mattered anymore. I knew that if I did not leave when I did I would begin to hate him. Sometimes people come in your life to be lessons more than being a person in your life that was there to stay. I'd like to look at him as a lesson. A lesson that no matter how good of a person you are, you are not immune to someone treating you bad. You are not immune to someone hurting you and once you realize that you are not immune to that, you understand the signs and you understand what you need to watch out for. I was having anxiety attacks, I was depressed, I was all around sad all the time and I dreaded waking up and that is truly no way to live. So, if you are someone who is in a marriage or relationship and you are unhappy or you are being disrespected or being treated a way that you don't condone, say something. Express to your person that this is not the life that you want to live and that you do not tolerate that. If they continue, then you have some decisions to make. Life is toooooooo SHORT to be unhappy! It is important to understand when it is time to leave and say enough is enough. Fast forward 6 months later after my split + I am one happy mama. I have my child, I have my amazing man Jeremy (who I can talk a little bit about under my Journal tab) and I am at peace with life. I am at peace with my decision and I will never allow any man to hurt me the way I was previously hurt or allow a person to disrespect me. I AM STRONG. Welcome back to the relationship post! I hope you all had a great and successful week! If this is your first time here, welcome! This week's post is kind of a part 2 to the very first post I made on this blog which was rebuilding trust. If you have not read that post yet, I suggest you read it first because it does go hand in hand with this one! Rebuilding trust is something most of us have done or are doing now, so having a guide to help you when you are dealing with hard times is very comforting. My goal is to bring as much comfort as I can to my readers. So grab your coffee, tea or whatever beverage brings you the most comfort, cuddle up on your couch and read on.
So when we talked about rebuilding trust, it was mainly for the people who were hurt in the relationship. The people who needed guidance on how to trust their partner again, or at least start building a foundation in that regard. This week is mainly for the person in the relationship who broke the trust. It is hard to make your partner feel secure after trust is broken. It is like a bridge that has fallen apart after so much damage has been done to it. Even when you try to rebuild it or build on it, it will never be the way it was before. That is kind of how it happens in relationships when trust is broken. Only sometimes broken trust and rebuilding it can create an even stronger foundation and bond for the relationship which is a good thing. Either way, the relationship will not be the same. It will either be stronger and healthier, or there was so much damage done that repairs will not fix it. I am a strong believer in love and making things work especially when you're married. My goal is to save relationships, not tell people it's time to let go. The only person who can decide to let go is you or your partner. Taking advice from people who tell you to leave your partner means nothing if you do not actually feel like you're ready. If it is something worth fighting for and your partner is not physically & emotionally abusing you, I say fight until there is nothing left. [Even when there is abuse involved, there are some people who still decide to stay. My only advice to that is really evaluate your mental health and the well being of you. No one on this planet deserves to be physically or mentally abused. Find your worth and make your decision then.] Here are a few tips that I believe can help you help your partner feel more secure in the relationship after trust has been broken. ONE: Agree to boundaries/rules that they feel are necessary, even set some boundaries yourself for yourself. Once your partner agrees to make things work in the relationship, expect for there to be boundaries set. Boundaries are healthy and a healthy start to rebuilding trust. It also will make your partner feel more secure and begin to trust you again. Your best bet is to not argue with them about the boundaries because that makes you look non-compliant and that does not feel good at all when you're the one who's been hurt. It makes you feel like your partner is not taking you seriously. Boundaries like not going out for a few months, making sure your partner knows where you are at all times, explaining yourself when things seem a little fishy to your partner, etc. It may sound a little controlling, but its not. When trust is broken, having certain rules and boundaries in place are necessary. Even when trust isn't broken there should be boundaries, but some people live life differently. Just know that this situation is different and right now, these boundaries and rules are necessary for the time being. Two: Be understanding with your partner's emotions, they have a right to feel certain ways. Your partner may cry sometimes, you could say something that triggers their memory of the heartbreak, they may watch something on T.V. that triggers that emotion and makes them sad. Period point blank your partner will most likely go through phases of sadness, confusion, and anger. Allow them to be upset sometimes. Hold them and apologize. Right now is not the time to be short tempered with your partner or get upset at them for being sad. Let them know you are there for them and reassure them that you are trying your best to be the man/woman that will not hurt them. Reassure them that you love them. These small little actions like being patient when they are upset goes a long way! It lets them know that YOU are also disappointed with yourself and you're trying to be better. Arguing with them or getting mad because you're upset that they are sad is the wrong way to go. DO NOT DO THAT. Three: Do not be afraid to kiss some ass for a while. Yes, I said it. Do things you would not normally do, help them feel better, go out of your way to please them, treat them the way you were before you started putting your time and energy into someone else. Make them feel special again. Nothing hurts worse than being hurt to the core and then have your partner act like they don't have some making up to do. I'm not talking about a week or two of nice gestures, I mean allow your partner to fall in love with you all over again. Just be honest with your feelings and do little things here and there to make sure they feel loved and supported. Cook dinner for them, take them out for a nice date, make the day all about them SOMETIMES. Dedicate your time to your partner to help them feel better about themselves. After cheating has taken place, insecurities run wild! Trust me, I've been there. Being hurt is not a good feeling and no one wants to feel less than what they should in their marriage or relationship. I also know that if the person who did the cheating really cares about their partner, they are probably hurt too. It hurts the marriage/relationship and the people in it when this type of thing takes place. Everyone suffers from this lack of judgment so its best to not make that mistake. TRUST me it is NOT worth it. It's not worth losing your family over 30 minutes of pleasure! My homework for you this week if you have recently made a mistake in your marriage/relationship: - set a date. Set a date with your partner and you cater to them. Cater to them and make them feel appreciated and put your pride away. Have fun and try to make sure your partner feels safe and loved. Give them the floor. Let them talk and talk until their brain hurts. LET THEM VENT TO YOU! If they can't vent to you then who can they vent to? Listen to them. Don't just talk, listen and apply it to your relationship. That is all for now folks! Thank you so much for reading the Relationship Post this week! I love you all. -JANECIA MARIE Building trust once it has been broken12/7/2017 Today’s topic is Forgiveness, Trust and Communication.
Have you ever went through something with your partner that you thought you would never overcome? Cheating? Lying? Emotional Abuse? Something that was so bad that tore your relationship apart, or almost did? I think we’ve all been there. Here’s the thing, most of us make excuses for a long time for things that our partner may have done or is doing so that we feel like what they’re doing is not so bad. Or maybe we make excuses like "well it kind of was my fault” blaming ourselves for what our partner has put us through. Or maybe it was your fault and the both of you did wrong. First and foremost I want to start by saying usually, it isn’t your fault. Don’t blame yourself as a reason to stay with your partner don’t blame yourself and make excuses so other people won’t judge you. Be honest. I love this person and we are going to work through it. ESPECIALLY in a marriage. Don’t put up a fight with other people or your inner self trying to cover up the truth. The truth is you love this person and you made a vow to stick by their side through thick and thin. Now I’m not saying hey stick with this person if they are physically, mentally, verbally and emotionally abusing you. That’s a different topic for a different day; I’m saying if your partner did something that was a mistake and pretty bad, but there is still something inside of you that says "we can make it work” and your partner is willing to change, go to therapy, pray, or whatever it is that they do that will help them change, I’m saying make it work. We should have the heart to forgive the way God forgives us. We should have a heart that loves unconditionally no matter the circumstances. A pure love. If you're in a situation like this where you're dealing with infidelity, lying, lack of communication, arguing constantly, and you feel like you want to give up, please take a step back and evaluate the situation. If you decide to take your partner back, fix what was broken, tie up loose ends, then the first step towards mending things is forgiveness. FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER. Don’t be afraid to forgive. Forgiving is not only for your partners sake, but yours as well. If you don’t forgive your partner for what they’ve done, you might as well poke a hole in the marriage boat and sink now. If you let your anger and sadness overwhelm you, you can end up being spiteful and hateful towards your partner and things could really start to get ugly. You want to be able to love your partner and know truly in your heart, they did what they did, but I forgave them and I’m willing to move forward. Next step… BUILDING TRUST. Start building trust again with your partner. This step here is mainly for ones dealing with infidelities. Start somewhere. Even if that means talking everyday for 15 minutes about what your partner has to change, going to therapy, or even reading blogs online asking for advice on how to build trust.. start somewhere. Understand that this is going to take a while to do and it will get frustrating at times, but the biggest way to show that your building trust is by actions. After you’ve set boundaries and you’ve built a foundation where trust can be rebuilt, give your partner some leeway. It will be HARD! Trust me, I’ve been there. But not allowing them to be in certain situations where they can show you that they’ve overcome those things and you can now trust them, is only going to make things worse. You have to allow your partner to show you that they can be trusted. Otherwise you’ll never really know if they can. Next step.. COMMUNICATION. Start communicating better. Plan dates with your partner. Plan sit downs with your partner. Ask them how their day was at work. Make conversation. I know that after you’ve been together for so long sometimes things start becoming more of a job and less of a relationship. Sit down and talk with your partner DAILY. Learn how to listen before you speak when your partner is talking and allow yourself adequate time to respond with a response that is only positive. Don’t shout negative things at your partner even if you feel you are right. Say how you feel without it ridiculing your partner and allow them to say how they feel. Don’t over talk each other. LISTEN first. Make it a habit to have daily sit downs and talk about your issues or even talk about good things! It’s healthy to talk and let our emotions and feelings out. You’ll get to know your partner way more than you think when you have good communication. Final step.. MOVING FORWARD. Once your at a place in your relationship where you have forgiven your partner and they’ve showed you that they are trustworthy, your communication is better be your able to talk about past mistakes without feeling so much sadness, it’s time to move forward. We are all compelled to throw up what our partner did anytime we get upset, and that is WRONG. Forgiving them means you made a choice to forgive that mistake they made. No sense in continuing to make them suffer for it. Move past the mistake and don’t look back! It will take time, effort on both sides, prayer and a lot of sacrifice of emotions; but it is worth it. Having a healthy relationship with your partner after a storm is one of the best feelings ever. Trust me, I’ve been there. Hug your partner today, give them a compliment, tell them you love them and will always be there for them. BE a kind and gentle spirit. Just think of me as Cupid's rival. 'Cause over here we don't just use our hearts. We combine the mind, the heart, and the soul for an epic love experience. Stay a while.
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