opening up about my divorce | making hard decisions

Wow! It has been so long since I've posted on my website. I have had a long two years, but things are trying to fall in place so I decided to start posting again and just being a voice for us young folks. 

Before I start I would like to say that I would never speak ill of my ex husband who is also my sons father. We did have a lot of differences, but I am not here to bash him by any means, but I do tell the truth and although a lot of what happened needs to be kept between us and immediate family, I can open up about things that I feel could help someone else dealing with the same thing. -

2019 was the most testing year of my life to say the least. I wanted so badly to have my family be together and thrive together and that is just not what happened. In September of 2019 I decided that my ex husband and I needed to split and be done for good. Years of disrespect, a few cheating incidents and unhappiness overwhelmed me to the point that I could not go on any longer; I really couldn't. We got engaged November 2016 and married in September 2017 and months before we were supposed to get married I found out about a really low cheating incident. I wont go into detail about it or the person involved, but it hurt really bad. I don't know if that was God's sign or what; but in that moment that I found out I had to decide whether I was going to call off the wedding or proceed. I decided to go ahead with the wedding even though my guts were screaming otherwise and I did that because I was 20 years old almost 21, I was a mother before I was a wife and I had been with him since my senior year in 2013. I did not want to lose all of that over cheating. Now that I am older, that sounds so naive, but at the time I felt it was the right decision for my family to keep us together. Keep in mind, at the time I found out about this, we were living with my parents. So imagine finding out about being cheated on, but having to hold it all in so your parents don't ask what is wrong. I was a train wreck on the inside and my heart was crushed; but I literally had to act like nothing was wrong in front of others to save face and it hurt like hell. I married him anyway despite all I had been through since I met him. So since our marriage did not start on grounds that were solid, it caved in. At the place I am at in my life right now I understand why it caved in, but at the moment I never thought that something like that would happen especially to a woman like me. I will FIGHT and fight extremely hard for somebody I love no matter what, but I soon realized that the older I got, the more I realized my worth and I couldn't allow myself to continue to be disrespected. There were other factors to our relationship that forced it to end the way it did, but like I said some things need to be kept between me and immediate family. The main thing though was disrespect and I know a lot of women deal with disrespect in so many ways and we feel as if that is okay sometimes or we feel that maybe we did something wrong and deserved the disrespect. I was one of those who knew the disrespect was becoming too much, but I would make up excuses with family members and others to try and make sure he always looked good and never looked bad. I wanted to always make sure that no matter how I looked, he still looked good and that quickly faded as I got older. I know it does not seem like a big difference, but being 20 and being 23 makes a difference!! TRULY!  Sometimes you outgrow the things you've allowed!!!!!! This is a true statement that I came up with for myself to understand that I did nothing wrong by leaving. I had allowed too much and enough was enough. I never wanted to have a broken family. I never wanted to have kids by two different men. I wanted to be little miss perfect and that is completely not the move especially when you become a grown ass woman! You don't have time for the games or the disrespect so after soooooo long dealing with it, I just said fuck this and I left. I left and I looked back for a second, but then I got my mind right because no person on this earth deserves to be unhappy. No person on this earth deserves to be disrespected. When I left, I felt a weight being lifted off of my shoulders. I no longer had to lie. I no longer had to prove to others that my man was the best, I no longer needed to hide my feelings. I was able to cry without being ridiculed, I was able to vent without being called weak and I finally felt like I was my own person again; JUST by regaining my strength and saying enough is enough! 
I made the decision to walk away despite the embarrassment of "being divorced at a young age", despite the feelings of knowing I would have to start over, despite the fact that my son loves his dad more than anything. None of that shit mattered anymore. I knew that if I did not leave when I did I would begin to hate him. Sometimes people come in your life to be lessons more than being a person in your life that was there to stay. I'd like to look at him as a lesson. A lesson that no matter how good of a person you are, you are not immune to someone treating you bad. You are not immune to someone hurting you and once you realize that you are not immune to that, you understand the signs and you understand what you need to watch out for. I was having anxiety attacks, I was depressed, I was all around sad all the time and I dreaded waking up and that is truly no way to live. So, if you are someone who is in a marriage or relationship and you are unhappy or you are being disrespected or being treated a way that you don't condone, say something. Express to your person that this is not the life that you want to live and that you do not tolerate that. If they continue, then you have some decisions to make. Life is toooooooo SHORT to be unhappy! It is important to understand when it is time to leave and say enough is enough. 

Fast forward 6 months later after my split + I am one happy mama. I have my child, I have my amazing man Jeremy (who I can talk a little bit about under my Journal tab) and I am at peace with life. I am at peace with my decision and I will never allow any man to hurt me the way I was previously hurt or allow a person to disrespect me. 

I AM STRONG.