Good day folks! It is day I don't really know of Quarantine and I can assure you I am going crazy. I hope I can bring some type of information to you today that'll resonate with you and if not that's totally fine. Thanks so much for stopping by to read and as you all know, if you haven't grabbed your coffee, tea or wine, now would be the time!
Today's topic hits home for me because this is something that I suffered with in my previous relationship/marriage and it something that I had to learn about myself from getting older and being more understanding that sometimes I could be toxic too. I don't mean the type of toxic you can see right off top, I mean the type of toxic that takes you years to understand because at the time, it seems like you're doing the right thing, but in reality you're hurting you and that person.
Sometimes when we (we as in the people who love hard and have a natural will to take care of others and those of us who were loved properly at home) meet people and we see struggle, hurt, anger, lack of love, we naturally want to take care of them. Take them under our wing. Make them feel important, fix them, nurture them. Like mothers, or fathers if you're a man in this situation. Our natural caretaker instinct kicks in and we want to love on this person and make it all better for them and heal them. Also when this happens most of the time it is someone we meet that we take interest in for a relationship as well. We like them or who they are and we feel as though if we love them the right way we can fix them and be the hero right? WRONG! That voice that is inside our head telling us these things is not our heart or mind, but in fact our ego wanting to feel important. Not only is it our ego, but it is also a sense of insecurity within ourselves. Why do I use this word insecurity? Because, feeling like you need to fix someone so that you feel important or you feel like you made their life better is in fact an insecurity in my eyes. You want them to obviously be better and their life be better, but in that small selfish way, since it'll make you feel good and because you think you're a better person for that, you're insecure within your own self. Now, this may not be the case for everyone, but it is not a reach it does in fact happen and it surely happened to me. I was insecure and always have been insecure about the way I am and if I'm good enough. So when I was with somebody who needed me, that felt good. Like how fucked up is that? It's like when you're baby is a baby and they need you so much it makes you feel good and important, but as they get older and stop needing you it makes you feel bad. It's like yes you're happy they're getting older, but selfishly you want them to be young again. For some people it doesn't, make them feel bad but for people who need constant validation it definitely does something to them when someone who once needed them does not need them anymore.
So, the wanting to feel good about ourselves by "fixing" someone else is our ego and the wanting to feel needed and important is definitely an insecurity because we shouldn't need anything or anyone to make us feel validated or important.
I loved that man more than myself and I saw him as someone I needed to fix. Because fixing him meant that in the end he would love me more and that did nothing but enable him and tear my heart apart. By enabling him I made things easier for him when I should've let life teach him lessons. I did not want that I did not want life to be able to teach him anything because I felt like the way he grew up was enough lessons, so anytime I saw life about to beat him down I went and found any way I could to save him and why did I do that? I did nothing but enable that and some men, SOME men would look at that as, "man this woman is my superhero, I would never do her wrong she's done everything for me." That is not what went through his mind because I was still cheated on before marriage, and disrespected after we were married. I guess that is why it hurt worse, because I did all I did and was still betrayed. I used to look at it as just his fault; but now I see that I am to blame too. I was so worried about making sure his life was good, making sure that whatever he needed he had it, didn't want anything to happen to him, wanted to make sure he knew that it was ME who was doing everything he needed, and it backfired. By the end of it all, who was I? I had lost myself in a man. I loved him in a way that was toxic to us both because I made life easier for him, while making my life harder. By doing so I began to resent him and he began to lose respect for me somehow. I loved him in a way a mother loves her son and not in a way a wife loves her husband and that did damage. I never wanted him to make decisions because I felt like he wasn't ready. I felt like he needed to be under my wing and under my protection so any decision he'd try to make I was scared it would be the wrong one and I tried to intercept whatever was to come by just doing it on my own. That was not good. I did not allow him to bump his head EVER in our relationship because in my eyes he was like my other child. As I got older I wanted to love him as a MAN, but I couldn't. I had enabled him for so long that by the time he wanted to be a man, I didn't see him as that I seen him as someone I needed to protect. This has nothing to do with the way he treated me, that is a different topic because I did nothing for our relationship to end the way it did, but I am for sure taking ownership in my part of the way both of us are hurting today.
I should've never looked at him as someone to fix and looked at him as someone who could also bring something to the table. I should've been more confident and expected more out of him, but instead I expected the bare minimum in the beginning and in return as we got older that is what I got, because that is what I ALLOWED. I lost myself by loving someone for my own ego to feel good and I taught him that as long as he did the bare minimum I'd still love him 'cause mama got you always and that was a big mistake. There is nothing wrong with being with someone while they're down and helping them build, but DO NOT ALLOW them to do the bare minimum. DO NOT ALLOW your ego to feel like if you do it all and you fix their world they will love you and respect you more. That does not always happen. In my case I was not loved more or less or respected more. Nothing I did made him want to respect me more and in the end my ego was killed and my insecurities about myself deepened. Why was I not good enough? Why did he do me this way when I did all I've done? I feel as in a way I was being selfish because I wanted to be the person who SAVED him so no matter how much it hindered him from making certain decisions or it hindered me from being loved correctly, I did not care. As long as I could make sure that his decision was not going to harm him, I'd risk everything. I did not allow life to teach him I wanted to be the teacher and it hurt us both.
No matter who you are, do not take on another person as a project. You are not here to fix others. My kindness was taken advantage of, but I allowed it so I have to take some of the blame. We have to stop trying to fix somebody and realize that if someone is broken, they need to fix themselves first before they try to be in a relationship. Two broken people who feel like they need somebody else does NOT end well. Also, someone who feels as if they need somebody and someone who wants to be needed does not end well either. Because, is it the love that you're fighting for? Love and respect and the fact that this person treats you the way you should be and makes you happy? Or is it the fact that this person needs you and they need someone so you don't want to leave the relationship because you want to feel needed and they don't want to walk away because they need somebody? Questions you must ask yourself if your relationship started off by somebody needing somebody else to feel good; and somebody needing somebody else because they NEEDED somebody for a better life.
This is why focusing on yourself before you commit is important. Had I loved myself and been more confident before stepping into that relationship I would've seen that, this was not the person that I needed to jump head first in a relationship with because at the time I had everything to offer in the beginning and he was broken. Had he worked on himself more, worked on his trust issues, and started to establish himself more in life before wanting a relationship, he would've never allowed me to try and fix him because he would've already been working on himself and he would've told me I don't need to be fixed I just need someone by my side while I work on myself. I would've never lost myself by trying to fix a man and he would've never been enabled.
It is time for us, the people who try to fix others to feel good about ourselves to step up and take part of the blame for failed relationships. It is a very toxic way to love somebody when it starts out by you trying to fix them or you trying to be their savior. What happens is you become more of a mother/father than you do a spouse and you naturally want to be in control because in a lot of ways in the beginning you were in control. After years of this, when that person wants to take more control it scares you because you have no idea if what they're going to do is going to be right or wrong because for so long you were the one who was always right. It does nothing but harm both parties. Each person should enter a relationship with confidence and boundaries. What you will allow, what you won't allow and being confident in what you deserve. It forces the other person to work harder to be a better person for themselves and for you. If you allow the bare minimum and take on that person as someone to fix, nothing good will come of it.
Love one another. Respect one another. & stop trying to fix each other. The only person who can fix us is the most high. Pray for your spouse, pray with your spouse. that is all you can do.
Peace and love.
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Just think of me as Cupid's rival. 'Cause over here we don't just use our hearts. We combine the mind, the heart, and the soul for an epic love experience. Stay a while.