Nostalgia lives in this love
It's as if I've lived here with him before...
as if, we were connected in the past life.
I see him in all things that I find beauty and comfort in.
Old movies that brings me joy
90s anime with my favorite art style
an instrumental with the perfect melody
the beautiful gloom on the rainy days
the night sky in the city
the feeling I get when I drive late at night and no one else is on the road but me & music...
watching the colors of the street lights reflect off of the puddles of water on the ground.
Any time I think of him, I sink into my body. My soul hugs me so that I don't fall too hard because if I did, I'd lose myself. But in a way, I wouldn't even care, because he is me. I am him.
There is no way that God didn't grab me directly from his rib to create me.
It should be a crime to love this hard, but this love... it changes everything around us.
The chemistry is undeniable. It's transcendent.
This love heals things that are broken.
It brings light to the darkness.
It protects what needs protecting.
It brings a new perspective in this dark world we are living in... like maybe... just maybe, this world isn't so bad. Because there is no way that a love like this exists in a place so dark.
Like maybe, just maybe, this is the love that makes everything worth it.
This love is safe.
It's a safe place for him.
It's a safe place for me.
It's a safe SPACE for us.
The darkness never sleeps...
but it dreams of me
it only thinks of me...
while I attempt to rest
while I try to consume my mind with nothingness on those days that I feel
trying to silence that whisper within me that works overtime to feed my brain
tired lines and overused lies that I have nothing to truly offer
like I'm the dirt beneath the surface that
lies beneath that surface
with the stench of pain and old wounds from the souls that were put on this earth with blue print to hurt me
on the days I feel lonely that darkness...
it never sleeps
all it does is day dream of me and that pretty smile
looming over my mind working overtime to make sure it turns my smile upside down
because I am not meant to have peace
my world was not designed for
tranquility because I have so many things
working against me
but the only thing working against me
more than anything else is me
the darkness within me?
it never sleeps...
but it dreams of me.
but I soon learned that that darkness that never sleeps..
that darkness is me.
he was sweet like dark red strawberries soaked in sugar
smooth like the red wine that sat in the bottom of my lipstick stained glass..
I could feel my body heating up like the pavement with the kisses from the late afternoon sun
was it coming from the three glasses we just shared, or the fire in his eyes that sent heat waves in my direction
I squirmed ever so slightly leaving puddles of untouched desire on the seat beneath me
All I wanted was to climb my thick golden body onto this table and crawl to him like a lioness in heat and swallow him whole
down girl, I told myself as I listened to him speak intellectually about famous philosophers like Alan Watts and Jiddu Krisanmurti
he was stimulating my mind and effortlessly taking me on a trip through a sea of words I’ve never heard
philosophies I never knew existed
it was like having an orgasm every time I learned something new from his intellectual old soul
making love to my brain was quickest way to make these lace black panties drop
but there was nothing more he needed to do because the mere thought of him physically touching my body was a stimulation overload
even though I knew this man already had me wrapped around his silky chocolate finger just by the words he spoke, my ego wanted nothing more than to have him walk over to me and devour my vanilla cupcake for dessert
but instead of giving into my sexual fantasies of wanting to be handled and disrespected all across this cherry stained wood table, i sat back and allowed him to stroke my conscious mind instead
Sunrises over the Huey P. Long bridge
watching the water from the Mississippi move with a rhythm as I quickly pass over.
Small communities with big personality
Everyone waving at you as you pass
Feeling safe even though you know it kind of isn't.
Parks here and parks there. Little children running and stomping their feet on the pavement having the time of their lives. Swinging from the monkey bars with no care in the world.
The smell of beignets from Café Du Monde as we walk through Jackson Square.
People on the street with buckets and drum sticks making music you would never hear on the radio because it's too good.
People selling T shirts and handmade bracelets and art work that they put their soul into.
Horses standing in front of the Cathedral awaiting to tote their next passenger.
Quirky shot gun homes with year round Mardi Gras decor.
The golds, the purples, the greens and everything in between standing out so beautifully as we ride through the neighborhoods discovering new places.
The small pink duplex that we lived in that seemed way too small for our family, but was perfect and we made it a home.
The Piggly Wiggly down the road that was unnecessarily overpriced but I loved it anyway.
New Orleans, I miss you. I wasn't raised with you, but I knew you. I miss the comfort you brought me. I miss the nostalgia I felt being in your presence. I learned so much in my little time with you. Thank you for everything you were for me.
Expecting you to do it all is where we went wrong.
Expecting you to be abused but stay silent.
Hurt, but remain quiet.
Stressed, but remain strong…
We want you to show us what it looks like to be a KING
but some of us aren’t even on the road to being a QUEEN
some of us we want you to bring the food, money, love, & protection
to a table that’s broken and filled with baggage
but parade for social media like we are the entire package
We want you to lift us up when we’re down, allow us to be ourselves, spoil us, work hard, & be the strong one
But half the time we can’t even be your peace at the very least…
& then every time you step outside that door…
You’re a target.
You’re the blame.
You’re never the victim..
always the villain.
You’re skin is your biggest threat.
The entire world is against you..
But we expect you to suck that shit up.
Work hard, KEEP working hard. Your family needs you.
Therapy? Nigga you weak…..
Ain’t nothing to it but to do it.
Come on you got it.
You ain’t shit if you can’t provide for your family. You better break your back for this shit. Ain’t no excuses.
BUT WHO THE FU*K IS PROVIDING THE SUPPORT that is needed for him to withstand it all & not break?
Who’s lifting him up when he’s down, who’s keeping his mind at peace when the world around him continues to break him down to his knees
Who’s holding him when he has no where else to turn?
Who’s making sure his mental health is in check?
Who’s checking in on him often to make sure he’s not feeling depressed?
king we seek?
Black man, you are worthy.
You are worthy of peace.
You are worthy of love.
You are worthy of protection.
You may be broken, but I still see you.
You may be silent, but I hear you.
You feel unloved, but I love you.
The world needs you, black man. You are not your problems. You’re not the person who broke your heart. You are not your childhood. You are not your broken home. You are not your abusive parents. You are not the person who touched you inappropriately. You are not the person who blamed you for something you had no control over. You’re not the person who wrongly convicted you. You are not the person who shouted racial slurs at you. You are not the things this world says about you.
You are a walking melenated epitome of strength.
You are the wind at night that sings the birds to sleep.
You are the beauty in night sky.
You are the love that keeps us warm at night.
What an honor it is to walk this earth along side you.
You are not alone, black man.
We see you.
We love you.
5:30am on a Sunday morning is my favorite time to welcome the world into my space. Something so remarkable about being up before the sun. In a city where people are probably passed out on Bourbon St or just getting home from partying all night, I have just feasted my eyes on what I like to call the midnight dawn. It may still be night for the rest of the world, but for me, my day is beginning.
Silky sheets caress my skin as I turn and look over and see an angel sleeping. Nothing more perfect than seeing my beautiful wife on the side of me. Her sandy brown curly hair is all wild from the exhilarating night we had and her beautiful chocolate skin glistens in the pale light that is coming through our curtains from the street lights.
I kiss her soft, melanated skin that smells of shea butter and vanilla, but softly so that I don't wake her. What a joy it is to see something so angelic every single day of my life.
As she captures her last hour or two of slumber, I get dressed and put on my running gear. The best Nike running shoes money can buy, black shorts, black tank top, Nike sports hat, and my running arm band for my phone. Every morning I go running so that I can get the energy I need to get through my day and also to make sure I stay fit. It's also lovely to see the sun as it's rising. If there is ever a day I miss the sunrise, my entire energy is off. I thrive from being able to connect with the earth and the sun; its..... liberating, if you will.
Shutting the front door lightly, but in tact, I turn my music on and hit the ground running. There's a slight breeze and it's about 50 degrees outside, being that its the middle of January. Winter is my favorite season to do my running in. It's not too cold, but it's cool enough that I feel like my lungs are getting an amazing work out. Not to mention the air is so crisp and makes me feel alive.
As my feet hit the pavement, I am soaking in the rest of the night sky before the sunrise. I can start to feel the small droplets of sweat forming between my upper thighs and my back. That's when I know it's almost time. I've done this so much, I know that when I start to sweat, the sunrise is near. I check my watch and realize that I've been running for about an hour now and I start to make my way to Jackson Square.
As I make my way to my final destination, the street lights begin to turn off as the sleepy eyes of the world are starting to awake. I can see coffee shops and bakeries opening their doors and flipping their closed signs to read "open". I can hear jazz music playing and it's coming from one of the local businesses, but I can't make out which one. Hearing jazz music playing out of the blue always brings a smile to my face.
Finally, I can see the cathedral. Ahh, the cathedral I say to myself. Such a comforting feeling that brings back memories of my childhood of having beignets with my pop from Café Du Monde as we sat on the steps that faced the Jackson Square cathedral and just people watched. Jackson Square is so quiet in the early hours and it gives me time to sit and just think about life and the days ahead. It's hard for me to remain in the present sometimes, so when I do my running, this is my time to just ponder on the past and the future. So that when I get home, I can focus on my beautiful life and my beautiful wife.
As I walk up the steps to get to the river walk, dawn says hello. The sky is starting to give off the pink and yellow hues and I stand there as I watch the sky wake and listen to the river sing. This moment in time right here, this is the moment of serenity I need every single day. Just this moment will allow me to keep my mind calm and in check. I spend about 20 minutes basking in the silence and the sight of the painted universe around me. I let out a sigh of relief when the moment of peace is gone and taken away by the sound of people starting their day, just as I have started mine.
It's time to head home.
Before I can even open the door, I can smell that sweet smell. Every morning after my run, my other half makes sure to have my favorite breakfast waiting for me.
As I walk in and look to the left in our breakfast nook area, I can see the steam coming off of my food and my coffee. Beef bacon, two eggs over easy sitting on top of crisp, golden hash browns, and strawberries on the side.
I bite my lip as I think of how blessed I am to have this woman get up early every morning and make breakfast. It's always the little things.
The sound of the shower turning on entices me because I know in .5 seconds, she's going to be stripped down and waiting for me. Instead of diving into my food, I head to the master bedroom. She always leaves the door cracked as if she is awaiting my arrival. I can see her silhouette through the fog on the shower door and I immediately become erect before I even lay eyes on her.
Opening the shower door, I step into the scolding hot water that doesn't bother me on bit, because it's about to get hotter. I grab her by the waist and she turns her head slowly with a smile.
Hello beautiful, I say as I kiss her forehead. Grand Rising, daddy, she says back to me.
I caress every inch of her thick and fluffy body, making sure she's just as ready for me as I am for her. Her body begins to quiver from the slow and soft touches of my left hand, while my lips are making their way down her neck. She grabs a hold of my body and brings me closer to her, which is her way of saying she wants me, right now. I can't wait any longer. I pick her up abruptly as if she was a feather and I place her back against the shower wall. Seconds later, I entered inside the best place to call home. He wasted no time to explore her garden as he's done millions of times, but every time always feels like the first. This woman is my goddess and I will spend every moment making sure she feels good. Slow and steady strokes become the move of the morning as her sweet cupcake clenches onto the chocolate monster. I make sure she can feel every single inch of me in her stomach, I'm tryna give her a baby. As I plunge deeper inside of her juices, she moans even louder. I look her in her eyes as the water is dripping from her face down to her intoxicatingly soft breasts that are pressed against my pecs. She stares at me as she makes the faces of pure satisfaction and digs her nails deeper into my back. The wetness from her and the shower feels so good, I can't hold out any longer, and from her expression, neither can she. I grab ahold to her body tighter as she screams out in ecstasy. Her entire body goes limp and her sweet cookie throbs on the cookie monster.
I look her in her eyes again and we engage in the longest, juiciest, kiss underneath the hot shower water as we tightly embrace. It gets no better than this.
....and that is how you start a morning.
I couldnt tell you what it was like to constantly live there..
In my mind.
My brain began to unwind all of the repeated lies I’ve been told
My soul started to weep…
I was way too young to be losing sleep.
I was only 15 when I started understanding the true weight of the world…
Darkness started to fall.
& then my heart started to crawl into the abyss of untouched happiness….
The type of happiness that wasn’t real.
I was searching for somebody to love me in this dark world
or was I just searching for someone to save?
Always looking for the next broken record to call home..
Knowing it wasn’t right, but couldn’t fathom being alone.
Constant reels of deceit spewing at me constantly and all I did was paint over them with pretty flowers…
Never questioning anything, and to myself, I became a coward.
Afraid to confront the fake love, I just allowed myself to be taken advantage of.
And it stung like bullets piercing my what was then, thin skin.
Maybe my brokenness and desperate need to feel loved made me feel the need to become misunderstood
But the only person who misunderstood me, was me.
You feel me?
I wanted so bad to be someone who saved the world, I forgot about Janecia, me.
I forced myself to be “little miss, misunderstood”.
Because if I was “misunderstood”
then maybe I could be the victim when shit hit the fan and not have to take accountability for my lack of awareness and my ability to allow another being to tear away at my integrity.
Even though the signs were clear..
even though I knew the end was near..
All I wanted to do
was enjoy the idea of love
Even if that meant ignoring every sign I got from GOD himself above.
Why did I choose to this for myself?
Why didn’t I just ask for help?
Why did I brush off the red flags?
Why couldn’t I have just stayed in my motherfucking bag?
Why did I allow him to cheat?
Why did I constantly want all of my depressed and anxious days to be discreet?
Why didn’t I strap my boots up, pick up my feet, and dogged him out like he dogged me?
Why did I allow him to fuck my cousin?
Why didn’t I say ENOUGH is ENOUGH.. and…
why did I walk down the isle?
Why didn’t I turn around, was it because we had a child?
Why did I allow myself to be in so much pain?
Why did I allow my soul to be stuck out in the rain?
For so many years I cried these tears
I carried these burdens
I LIVED out all of my fears…
All for what?
To be loved?
Nah, girl… that wasn’t love. You knew that.
You knew he wasn’t shit
You knew he was going to hurt you like being hit with a ton of bricks
But you chose this.
You chose to be hurt you chose to be stomped on you chose to be dragged in the dirt.
You knew he was lying,
He watched you cry and….
He stood by and did nothing.
He belittled you, mentally abused you, spiritually killed you.
You let him.
You let him break us…
You let him tell lies to your face ‘cuz.
All for what?
To be loved?
What does it mean to be loved if you’re going to allow yourself to be in a state of constant suffering?
What does it mean to continue to allow your heart to stay when your spirit is no longer welcomed .. and..
what does it mean to be loved if all it’s going to do is cause your soul to hydroplane over all those tears..
You’ve cried over all these years..
Why do it at all?
Just to be loved?
NO, love YOURSELF first baby. You’re all you got.
He loves you, he loves you not.
90 degree weather on a Friday night..
Standing hand in hand with the love of my life
Sweat filling our palms and foreheads..
Feet hitting the pavement as we continue to move up in the line
butterflies present themselves in the pit of my stomach the closer I get to the door..
Our first concert together and it’s to see KRIT.
KRIT. Damn.. still brings me chills.
Hip hop is the root of our love and here we are about to embark on the most humble southern hip hop journey we’ve ever experienced.
What a time it is to be alive
Being able to be share the same air with the KING of the UNDERGROUND.
Open a tab at the bar cause tonight is about to be a movie
Blue Long Island becomes the drink of the night
Got me feeling right, in all the right places
Jammin’ to the intros…
drink in one hand, smoke in the other.
Gazing at all the beautiful faces that are impatiently waiting to see the best thing that’s ever happened to rap.. yeah I said it.
“Let me tell you bout this supaaa fly DIRTY DIRTY
THIRD COAST MUDDY WATER
SHAWTY POP THAT PUSSY IF YOU WANNA”
There he is..
The king HIMSELF
The adrenaline is pumping through every soul that chose to be apart of this timeless event
Everybody is feeding off of each other’s energy
Phones lit up trying to capture every moment
4s up for the Legend
My heart can’t take the amount of happiness I feel
If it don’t touch my soul I can’t listen to it, and baby let me tell you…
My soul felt
“Just in case you was wondering, I did make the beat”
Tears fill my eyes as I run the entire song from start to finish…
I swear I had an outer body experience
This shit just hit different when you know you been a fan and you finally get the chance to see the best rapper alive
Live in the flesh
Nothing could ever compare
As the show starts to come to a close
I grab my chest….
I grab the hand of my love behind me who’s been rapping every single word to every masterpiece KRIT performed tonight..
I thank God for this moment..
Shine on KING,
He served up the royalty.
Provided us the Soul Food that we needed while we journeyed through to Cadillactica.
KRIT IZ Here, He Wuz Here…. Live From the Underground..
Handing out his digital roses to the lost generation who needs his music for saving…
Thank you for choosing the road you did,
It’s better this way.
You truly are a King Remembered in Time.
Too much shine, can dull the soul….
It's the way you blink your eyes slowly in my direction that draws me in
It's the mere movement of your eyelashes that tug on my heart strings
trying to fine-tune the perfect melody that sings all the reasons why my chest sinks deeply every time I hear the bass in your voice
our souls nearly break their necks from the melodic vibe session that happens every time we connect with nothing but the sounds of hip-hop
What a lovely evening it always is every time you inch closer to me pulling my body so close to you that I sink into your being
taking my mind to all the different places in time
imagining all of the galaxies that hold the constellation map that tells the story of our love
and every time you disappear from being near me my soul drops tears that sink into the lake of anxiety that used to live underneath bridge that held the road less traveled
the exact road that I had to muster up the courage to step foot on to find my way back to you
a person of the people you are
providing a unique human experience to every life that you touch
the creole seasoning that drips from your tongue every time you speak
brings people together, just like a joint, but there's no weed involved.
You're my midnight snack that touches my soul in more ways than one
and if the only thing I had to ingest for the rest of time were the sounds of your voice and your fluid intellect, I would survive whole heartedly.
your entire existence offers up the food for my many thoughts
that leaves me in a state of satisfaction in such a way that no cuisine could ever fulfill
they say the third time is the charm
but for us, this is our take nine, but baby I'm confident that we got it right this time.
I love you.
Water lapping up against the stairs in the lake while the ducks swim
with no care in the world
they just swim
looking for their next meal
while the sun beams and reflects off of the water that holds all of the dirty secrets of the city.
When its night time, and there is no one around, I can imagine all of the people who need a place to vent, to cry their souls out, to plan their next move, sit there and talk to the water.
Just like the city, the lake had it's own personality.
I could feel it, while being near it.
Baby, close your eyes you say..
I want you to close your eyes, listen to the water, and feel the wind on your body...
My eyes immediately close and simultaneously, my world completely stopped turning.
My soul was taken by the wind and set free to the place that was growing on me more than anything ever had...
I have never felt more free.
The wind spoke words to me that only the beat of my heart could understand. I could feel my heart skipping beats as it communicated with the world around me, while I stood there... having an out of body experience.
Standing hand in hand with you...
Our souls talked to each other as they both played in the breath of the earth
Just as they did when we were kids, searching for love.
Love found its way back and brought us here...
In this moment of pure life
having conversations with the world around us without even uttering a sound.
We may have been quiet
but our hearts, our souls, and our minds were saying it all.
In this moment, we were free.
I wish I could go back to the moment you told me to close my eyes
at the lake
Where life was at it's most delicate and pure form
where the wind blew so hard that it felt as if it were searching for something that was lost,
where I felt my safest.
The minute my eyes decided to open themselves again, I could feel the wind bringing me back into the moment, as the city of New Orleans kissed my soul that went searching, and gently placed it back inside of my body.
From the moment I opened my eyes, I'd never be the same.