Long Post Alert... Grab your afternoon cocktail & chill on the couch for this one.
Wassupppp yall. We are back with another post and I am going to follow up on the post from the other week because ya'll loved that shit! Now, the reason this post isn't going under the normal relationship blog page is because it goes hand in hand with the post that was previously put out on this specific page. This specific page is hidden to the regular person, so if you get access to the link, feel special. So if you haven't read the previous post one, trust me, you want to read it. The love and support I received about that one really made me feel good! I love how yall are so open to new shit, I fucks with it heavy.
Alright, let's jump in.
So here's the thing. I don't judge nobody and their relationship cause everybody does things differently. If you allow your man/woman to do something other people wouldn't, that's ok. For instance, like I said in the previous post, me and Jeremy have an open relationship but it's closed on my end, not his. I came up with this, not him. Some people might be like what the fuck, that's weird. Or, they would think that he came up with this arrangement for control. But no. Not at allll. It was all me. So shit like that, this is my relationship and the end of the day and not everyone is going to agree and that's cool. We all do shit differently, but one thing that I think should be universal in every relationship, is the understanding that you do not own that person. I'm sure I got some eye rolls on that one but I don't care. Ya'll have to understand that there is nothing you will be able to do to control the relationship and steer it the way you want all the time. First of all, it's unhealthy and toxic. So, this post is really touching base on a few things. My journey of becoming a better woman for myself and my relationship and how I got my confidence to be ok with an open relationship, the unpopular opinion that toxic is not cool, & how freedom in relationships is liberating. Also how to get to that place of peace in your relationship that is healthy for the both of you.
A little Backstory...
So, lets go back 3 years real quick. When I was at my lowest, my darkest. Had just gotten out of a toxic marriage. I was broken, sad, depressed, and not confident at all. Looking back though, I can't blame the failed marriage on solely the other person. I had to grow up as an individual and as a woman to realize that we were just too different. I was trying to control the way the marriage went and I wanted him to be something he wasn't. And truly, I just wanted better for him, you know. But, because our mindsets are different, it seemed more as if I wanted to control everything. I'm not going to go into any details on the wrongs he did, but I will say that my wrong doing was not letting go when I seen the red flags of differences. My wrong was trying to change him into something I wanted. Was I a good woman? Mother fucking right. He'd probably agree still to this day, LOL. BUT! The issue was, we were too different. Sometimes you have to know when to let go. Because once you start to ignore that you and this person truly aren't meant to be, the moment they are so insecure and constantly going through your phone or you're going through their phone, the moment ya'll are verbally disrespecting each other daily, the moment ya'll start telling each other who ya'll can talk to and who ya'll cant, where ya'll can and cannot go, it's time to make a decision and fast. The problem with relationships today is that people think that toxic shit is cute and it's not. It is the worst FEELING IN THE FUCKING WORLD. And until you get into a healthy relationship after a not so good one, you will not understand what I really mean. I'm telling you. That shit ain't cute and I had to realize that too.
Me walking away from something that was bad for us both was my first step to growth and the woman I am right now.
So, once I came out of that, even though I came out stronger, I was still weak. I was so mentally stunted, I was so insecure, and I lacked confidence.
Now, visualize that, and then think of me and Jeremy getting together. Someone who is the complete opposite of everything I was at that time. Jeremy was single for 6 years and a bachelor. He was doing whatever he wanted, whoever he wanted, whenever he wanted. He wasn't tied down at all. He was all about himself and his money. Casual dating, many sexcapades, but nothing too serious and no kids either. Jeremy has always known his worth and he is extremely picky when it comes to a woman he's going to be tied down to. So, that says a lot and is actually a compliment to me, LOL. But, when we rekindled and got back together, I came with baggage. I had a ex husband, I was broken, sad, and lost. (I don't call my son baggage because kids are NOT baggage. And because he looks at my child as his son too. But, I still had a kid at the end of the day and for some people, it can be a deal breaker. Not because of the child, but because of the other parent.) But regardless, I came with things that he did not have to bring into his life, but he did, willingly. Had he not known me for all these years, I cant tell you that he would've taken that on. He seen a woman that just needed some uplifting and healing and because he knew me already, he just wanted to help. Now, this is where shit gets interesting.
Letting go of the Victim Mindset, Making changes, and becoming a Confident WOMAN
Our relationship is what it is now because of the changes I made in myself that were not good for me, him, or our relationship as a unit. After a while of uplifting me and trying to help me, I had to start helping myself. At one point, he felt drained. As if he was giving so much of himself trying to help me and it got to be too much for him. Just about a year and a half ago, I was not who I am now. When I started to notice a change in how he handled me, I started to get so depressed and continued being the victim. I took everything he said to heart, I cried a lot, I was just too much. Looking back, I see exactly why he was damn near fed up. Because even though I was what I thought at the time a great woman to him, I wasn't a great woman to myself. In return of not being good to myself, I couldn't be the kind of woman that I needed to be for a healthy relationship. He could see that and he didn't like that. It was unattractive foreal. I can admit that. He would always tell me, Janecia, if you just knew your potential girl, you would stop downing yourself. Stop taking everything I say as a bad thing, I am just trying to help you be better for yourself. Because if God forbid this relationship didn't work out for whatever reason, I want you to come out of this relationship better than you came in.
His wanting for me to be better, was more about me than it was him. He wanted me to be confident, sure of myself, and mentally strong for ME not JUST him and that is something that WE ALL NEED TO LEARN. I've learned it and it's turned my relationship around completely.
I had to change the way I reacted to him, I had to change my mindset and outlook on life, I had to truly start pouring into myself. That is how we got to this place of peace in our relationship. So after we had our daughter and I was probably at the most clingy, annoying, and insecure, I said, nah, fuck this. I stopped worrying so much about what he wasn't doing and I started focusing on myself. I rebuilt this website from the literal ground up and it's been a success. I started to realize that I wasn't the broken little girl I kept forcing myself to believe I was. I started to love myself more, started spending more time with myself and getting to know myself. I stopped being so emotional and I started to use my logic instead of emotions in situations. I really grew up, mentally.
Once I started to change, I started to see a change in him. He started to react differently to me too. He started listening to me more because now I was making actual sense instead of being a cry baby about every little thing. I stopped looking at myself as some helpless damsel in distress and I started to be like, yeah I'm the shit. I'm beautiful. I'm worthy. He seen that and he moved accordingly. But, had I not made those changes, I would've never known if he really fucked with me foreal. Because for a minute, I was like man, why is he with me if he's always complaining about me? Why why why. Just, again, being the victim all the time. I had to accept that I was starting to become toxic to him. I was mature enough to fix that shit before it got bad. A lot of the time, we get with a person we aren't ready for and we ruin a good thing forever. Fuck that shit I MADE myself ready, because he was worth that. I had to become a WOMAN. With that came a lot of admitting to myself that I am not always right. I had to stop feeling as if I was perfect and wasn't shit wrong with me and he's just being "picky". Nah, I was a handful. Not everyone can admit that and that's where we go wrong. We are too prideful to admit that sometimes we are the problem. I had to let my ego, go. Our relationship has truly been blissful ever since.
Toxic & controlling isn't cool. Freedom is healthy and liberating.
Now, what does all that have to do with our open relationship? Well, it has plenty to do with it. Once I changed and I started to realize that WITH or WITHOUT him, I am still an amazing person and woman, I stopped being so insecure and I also stopped hiding my little "kink". If ya'll read the previous post then you know that I get off on Jeremy having sex with other women. I don't even have to be apart of it. I don't even have to be there. I just want him to come tell me about the shit. Crazy right? Yeah, I know. He's a lucky man huh? LOL. But, nah seriously though. I know that lifestyle isn't for everyone, but it does beg the question about confidence and why I am so okay with this. Well, it's because, I know who I am now. I know what I like and I know what I'm worth. He'd be a fool to let me go or fuck over me in a way that would make me leave him. So, with knowing that, I allow him to have his freedom. Why? Because I am secure in myself. This is the issue with a lot of people and it's the reason that so many relationships are toxic. Take our open relationship out of the picture for a second because that has nothing to do with YOUR personal journey. If you aren't secure in yourself, then your relationship will be toxic. This is why some people need to work on themselves before tying themselves down to a relationship. Now, did I work on myself in my relationship? Yes. Thankfully, I was able to do that. But, not everyone can do that. So, that is up for you to decide if you have the capacity to work on you while in a relationship. But anyway, if you aren't secure in who you are you are always going to be wondering what your person is doing when they aren't with you, you are going to want to go through their phone, you're going to be upset if they talk to people of the opposite sex, you are going to try to control them and keep them on a leash. Stop saying it's because they've wronged you so you are this way. No, don't put the blame all on them. Accept some of that shit, if you knew your worth, then you'd put your foot down and be like look, if you cannot accept our boundaries, I'm gone. You gotta know when to leave so relationships don't get toxic. If you choose to work out some shit with them after they hurt you, then why the fuck are you still bringing it up? See, that's what I mean. I'm not saying run the other way after one or two fuck ups, but I'm saying, being secure in yourself is knowing what you're worth and knowing what your boundaries are. So, if you are constantly in a state of worry and trying to control the relationship or that person after they've fucked up or shit, even before they've done something all because of your past experiences, then you start to become the problem. If you decide to give somebody a second chance, then give them that. Is it hard? Fucking right. But, relationships aren't for the weak. And relationships aren't about ownership either. Has Jeremy fucked up? Yep. But do he hear about that shit ever even in an argument? Nope. Why? Because I forgave him. And even more so now that I'm confident in who I am, I know that I have the strength to walk away if I realize that he isn't fucking with me how I'm fucking with him. The problem with people is they are so afraid to let go, but that fear is only because they are afraid to be alone or they are just dead set on this person being the person they are with forever no matter what. Whatever that fear is, you gotta let that fear go baby. Why? Because, we do not own that person. We cannot control the future. If Jeremy decided right now today he was going to leave, there is nothing I can do about that. We have to allow our partner to do what they gone do. Period. Because guess what, people are going to do what they want regardless! And if you are one of those people who don't do what you want because you want to please your partner all of the time, after a while, you will begin to resent them. I know Jeremy on occasion likes to fuck around. I also know that I'm okay with that and I like that shit. So, I let him be himself. I let him be free. That's because again, I am confident in who I am. If another woman can "steal" him from me, then he wasn't mine to begin with. I trust that he can go fuck 10 girls right now today and still want me to be his wife at the end of the day. That's what matters to me. That may not be how you think and that is totally okay, but I'm using it as an example. If you are constantly worried to lose your person, if you are constantly worried they gone do this or that so you feel like you have to control them, do you truly in your heart believe that shit is ok? It's not. We are in this relationship to grow and help each other be better. We are not in this relationship to control each other. We are not in this relationship to force the other person to be something they are not. There are things about a person you are just going to have to accept if you want to be with them. And if you can't, then that isn't the person for you. There are some things that people should change about themselves in relationships but ONLY to make the relationship healthy. Only if that change is benefiting that person individually as a person on their own and for the relationship. But trying to change a person and force them to be something they aren't solely for your benefit is so selfish. That whole "mold him into what you need them to be or mold her into what you need her to be" can get real bad real fast. There is a line with that. Was Jeremy trying to mold me? No. He was trying to help me be better, there's a difference. People change for who they want to change for. But those changes aren't taking that person away from their true self, it's allowing them to GROW into their true self. You catch my drift?
So, you decide. Are you trying to control your partner and make them be who you want them to be, or are you just trying to help them be better? Are you really secure in yourself to be able to not have your partner on a leash? Are you secure enough in yourself to leave if boundaries that shouldn't be crossed are crossed over and over? Lets face it. We are grown grown now. If somebody continues to cross you, they not fucking with you like that. Let that shit go and find better.
Find what about this person you're willing to accept and accept it and don't try to change that part of them. UNLESS whatever they are doing is detrimental to themselves or you, unless what they are doing is a huge error in character, then stop trying to change who they are. People are going to be who they are at the end of the day. Our job in a relationship is to love hard and help each other grow. It's not to try to control them or feel a sense of ownership over them. I am so liberated and I feel so good that I am no longer insecure and am understanding that I don't own him. I let him be free and man, that shit is sexy and liberating. Because he lets me be free too. He doesn't control me at all and he is far from insecure. He's not worried about me leaving because he knows he's the shit and he's worth something. I ain't worried about him leaving because I know I'm the shit and I'm worth something. Two confident, mature, and loving people in a relationship? Now that is one for the books.
If you made to the end of this, you are the REAL MVP. I know it was long, but I had a lot to say.
Love yall. Be easy.
Leave a Reply.