I couldnt tell you what it was like to constantly live there..
In my mind.
My brain began to unwind all of the repeated lies I’ve been told
My soul started to weep…
I was way too young to be losing sleep.
I was only 15 when I started understanding the true weight of the world…
Darkness started to fall.
& then my heart started to crawl into the abyss of untouched happiness….
The type of happiness that wasn’t real.
I was searching for somebody to love me in this dark world
or was I just searching for someone to save?
Always looking for the next broken record to call home..
Knowing it wasn’t right, but couldn’t fathom being alone.
Constant reels of deceit spewing at me constantly and all I did was paint over them with pretty flowers…
Never questioning anything, and to myself, I became a coward.
Afraid to confront the fake love, I just allowed myself to be taken advantage of.
And it stung like bullets piercing my what was then, thin skin.
Maybe my brokenness and desperate need to feel loved made me feel the need to become misunderstood
But the only person who misunderstood me, was me.
You feel me?
I wanted so bad to be someone who saved the world, I forgot about Janecia, me.
I forced myself to be “little miss, misunderstood”.
Because if I was “misunderstood”
then maybe I could be the victim when shit hit the fan and not have to take accountability for my lack of awareness and my ability to allow another being to tear away at my integrity.
Even though the signs were clear..
even though I knew the end was near..
All I wanted to do
was enjoy the idea of love
Even if that meant ignoring every sign I got from GOD himself above.
Why did I choose to this for myself?
Why didn’t I just ask for help?
Why did I brush off the red flags?
Why couldn’t I have just stayed in my motherfucking bag?
Why did I allow him to cheat?
Why did I constantly want all of my depressed and anxious days to be discreet?
Why didn’t I strap my boots up, pick up my feet, and dogged him out like he dogged me?
Why did I allow him to fuck my cousin?
Why didn’t I say ENOUGH is ENOUGH.. and…
why did I walk down the isle?
Why didn’t I turn around, was it because we had a child?
Why did I allow myself to be in so much pain?
Why did I allow my soul to be stuck out in the rain?
For so many years I cried these tears
I carried these burdens
I LIVED out all of my fears…
All for what?
To be loved?
Nah, girl… that wasn’t love. You knew that.
You knew he wasn’t shit
You knew he was going to hurt you like being hit with a ton of bricks
But you chose this.
You chose to be hurt you chose to be stomped on you chose to be dragged in the dirt.
You knew he was lying,
He watched you cry and….
He stood by and did nothing.
He belittled you, mentally abused you, spiritually killed you.
You let him.
You let him break us…
You let him tell lies to your face ‘cuz.
All for what?
To be loved?
What does it mean to be loved if you’re going to allow yourself to be in a state of constant suffering?
What does it mean to continue to allow your heart to stay when your spirit is no longer welcomed .. and..
what does it mean to be loved if all it’s going to do is cause your soul to hydroplane over all those tears..
You’ve cried over all these years..
Why do it at all?
Just to be loved?
NO, love YOURSELF first baby. You’re all you got.
He loves you, he loves you not.