Falling in Love with Myself & Life Again

I promise, there is nothing more pleasing to me, than knowing that I finally got myself back. For those of you who know me, ya'll know how much heart ache and pain I endured for a good chunk of my adult life. Dealing with everything I went through took a toll on who I was as a person. I completely and absolutely lost myself and had no identity anymore. My identity was pleasing every other person but myself. My identity was making sure everyone else was happy, but myself. I was lost. I was broken. It has taken me damn near 3 years to find myself again and realize what it is I really want out of life and out of myself. You know why I am able to do this? Because I am in a relationship where I don't have to fight for happiness everyday. Where I am being taken care of in every aspect. So I have been able to focus on me more and focus on the things I want in life and not someone else. I am growing up should I say. That young naïve version of me has died and gone into the body of a young girl who is just barely starting out. I have blossomed and found my passions, my desires, my happiness. I used to hate life so much and myself. I used to hate everything about waking up in the mornings. Nothing was right. Everything was wrong. I cried almost everyday and wondered when would these days end? But now, I have courage and light in my eyes. I wake up every morning happy to be alive. I wake up to a man that tells me "Grand Rising, baby" every day without a doubt. I wake up to my kids and my coffee. I wake up to our home that we made ours. I wake up, I look in the mirror and I smile. I no longer hate life. I no longer hate me. Because I realized that now that I am accepting what I deserve, I can accept myself. Before, I accepted dirt and I felt like trash because of it. I accepted less in all ways in my life at a point and I was ok with less. I was ok with bare minimum. But now? I strive for greatness because I am great. I have more confidence now than I had before. Giving up social media was the biggest boost in my confidence. I was so shallow at a point that I needed the people in the virtual world to validate me. I needed those websites to show me off. Hey world, look at me. I am beautiful, I am great, I'm doing this, I'm doing that. Knowing good and damn well I felt the opposite of a lot of things I was posting. Now? I have my OWN website. It's mine. Every month I pay for this. I paid for my domain. I have my OWN place to show myself off. I don't need Facebook or Instagram. Here? I can do and say what I want. I can tailor this to fit my needs and I love it. I love that I've built the confidence to actually post on my website often and take control of my passions. This is what I love. I love writing and sharing my knowledge and stories. I am doing this for me. Whether people read it or not, I am going to post it because I love it and I am secure in it. I am not checking for likes or comments. I don't need none of that. My cousin/sister who is also one of my biggest supporters and motivators, told me the other day, keep up the good work, quality always gets it's recognition. My mom told me how proud of me she was with everything I am doing lately and with my website. Real people. Real recognition. Real love. Not some double tap from a stranger that could give two shits about me. I have become a better person to myself and I stopped allowing fakeness into my life and it feels amazing. I have stopped allowing myself to down me. I don't down myself anymore. I don't complain about myself anymore. I am unapologetically and humbly Janecia. I don't boast or brag. I love myself and my accomplishments of course, but I am not looking to make anyone envy me because of anything I am doing. I am just living my life now. And no one, ever again, will come in the way of that.