The Way I See Him...3/8/2023 Nostalgia lives in this love
It's as if I've lived here with him before... as if, we were connected in the past life. I see him in all things that I find beauty and comfort in. Old movies that brings me joy 90s anime with my favorite art style an instrumental with the perfect melody the beautiful gloom on the rainy days the night sky in the city the feeling I get when I drive late at night and no one else is on the road but me & music... watching the colors of the street lights reflect off of the puddles of water on the ground. Any time I think of him, I sink into my body. My soul hugs me so that I don't fall too hard because if I did, I'd lose myself. But in a way, I wouldn't even care, because he is me. I am him. There is no way that God didn't grab me directly from his rib to create me. It should be a crime to love this hard, but this love... it changes everything around us. The chemistry is undeniable. It's transcendent. This love heals things that are broken. It brings light to the darkness. It protects what needs protecting. It covers. It brings a new perspective in this dark world we are living in... like maybe... just maybe, this world isn't so bad. Because there is no way that a love like this exists in a place so dark. Like maybe, just maybe, this is the love that makes everything worth it. This love is safe. It's a safe place for him. It's a safe place for me. It's a safe SPACE for us.
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Mental Purgatory12/9/2022 The darkness never sleeps...
but it dreams of me it only thinks of me... while I attempt to rest while I try to consume my mind with nothingness on those days that I feel worthless trying to silence that whisper within me that works overtime to feed my brain tired lines and overused lies that I have nothing to truly offer like I'm the dirt beneath the surface that lies beneath that surface lost and forgotten with the stench of pain and old wounds from the souls that were put on this earth with blue print to hurt me on the days I feel lonely that darkness... it never sleeps all it does is day dream of me and that pretty smile looming over my mind working overtime to make sure it turns my smile upside down because I am not meant to have peace my world was not designed for tranquility because I have so many things working against me but the only thing working against me more than anything else is me the darkness within me? it never sleeps... but it dreams of me. but I soon learned that that darkness that never sleeps.. that darkness is me. Intellectual Sexual Tension10/9/2022 he was sweet like dark red strawberries soaked in sugar
smooth like the red wine that sat in the bottom of my lipstick stained glass.. I could feel my body heating up like the pavement with the kisses from the late afternoon sun was it coming from the three glasses we just shared, or the fire in his eyes that sent heat waves in my direction I squirmed ever so slightly leaving puddles of untouched desire on the seat beneath me All I wanted was to climb my thick golden body onto this table and crawl to him like a lioness in heat and swallow him whole down girl, I told myself as I listened to him speak intellectually about famous philosophers like Alan Watts and Jiddu Krisanmurti he was stimulating my mind and effortlessly taking me on a trip through a sea of words I’ve never heard philosophies I never knew existed it was like having an orgasm every time I learned something new from his intellectual old soul making love to my brain was quickest way to make these lace black panties drop but there was nothing more he needed to do because the mere thought of him physically touching my body was a stimulation overload even though I knew this man already had me wrapped around his silky chocolate finger just by the words he spoke, my ego wanted nothing more than to have him walk over to me and devour my vanilla cupcake for dessert but instead of giving into my sexual fantasies of wanting to be handled and disrespected all across this cherry stained wood table, i sat back and allowed him to stroke my conscious mind instead A Letter to New Orleans...9/10/2022 New Orleans.
Sunrises over the Huey P. Long bridge watching the water from the Mississippi move with a rhythm as I quickly pass over. Small communities with big personality Everyone waving at you as you pass Feeling safe even though you know it kind of isn't. Parks here and parks there. Little children running and stomping their feet on the pavement having the time of their lives. Swinging from the monkey bars with no care in the world. The smell of beignets from Café Du Monde as we walk through Jackson Square. People on the street with buckets and drum sticks making music you would never hear on the radio because it's too good. People selling T shirts and handmade bracelets and art work that they put their soul into. Horses standing in front of the Cathedral awaiting to tote their next passenger. Quirky shot gun homes with year round Mardi Gras decor. The golds, the purples, the greens and everything in between standing out so beautifully as we ride through the neighborhoods discovering new places. The small pink duplex that we lived in that seemed way too small for our family, but was perfect and we made it a home. The Piggly Wiggly down the road that was unnecessarily overpriced but I loved it anyway. New Orleans, I miss you. I wasn't raised with you, but I knew you. I miss the comfort you brought me. I miss the nostalgia I felt being in your presence. I learned so much in my little time with you. Thank you for everything you were for me. Scandal in the Dark *extra scene*9/4/2022 Thanks for clicking that link. If you haven't read the other 6 parts, you might be a little lost & will run into spoilers. But if you don't care, then this part will definitely grab your attention to want to read everything before and grab the book when it comes! This story drop is an "appreciation post" for my readers as I've had a lot of good feedback from this story & a special reader who begged me for one more free part before the book comes. So, here we go LOL. Thanks for reading everyone! For those of you who have read this story, this part takes place directly after Hailey finally calls the Uber to pick her up from her overnight sexcapade and take her back to her hotel. ENJOY. HaileyMy Uber arrived quickly and promptly, as if it were waiting for me to finally call. I was a mess and didn’t know what I was going to do next. I was confused, I was heartbroken, I was sore from all of the good sex I’ve had in the past 12 hours, and nothing, not one thing at all, made any sense. Who was this mystery man who just walked into my life and rearranged my insides, literally and figuratively? How in the fuck could my sister have sex with who I thought was the love of my life? How could the love of my life fuck my sister? I mean, all of these questions and no answers. Nothing but a broken heart and wet panties. You are a genius Hailey, you really are. I mean, just go from one bad situation to another huh? I said to myself, out loud, yet again. Excuse me? The driver said confusingly. I shifted my eyes and squirmed in my seat from embarrassment. Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. I'm just talking to myself, don't mind me. How many times is that going to happen? I might as well get evaluated at the psych ward for all this baby ‘cause this is too much! We finally arrived at the Hilton, the hotel I booked for myself for this weekend. Even though Jaylen lives here full time, I still like to have an extra space booked when I come into town just in case. Sometimes, it never gets used. But thank the Lord almighty that I do this every time. Because, if there were ever a time I needed a separate space, it was now. Thanks again for the ride, I yelled before jumping out of the car and throwing a twenty dollar cash tip into the window of the passenger side before the driver jetted off. I wasted no time to scurry inside. I didn’t want to be seen by anyone in the public eye. Since Jaylen didn’t know I was in town, I’m sure he has no idea where I was staying. But, that didn’t make my anxiety feel any better. Once I got upstairs to my room, I realized that I was finally, truly alone. No cheaters, no city noises and fine men bumping into me, no sex with a stranger going on, it’s just me. In this room. Alone with my thoughts. I figured I would go ahead, shower, order room service and figure out my next move. Things will have to start making sense, because otherwise, I am going to lose my shit even more. I wrapped my curly hair into the pale white hotel towel with the word “Hilton” written on it and put on the beautiful red silk robe that I brought with me in my luggage. I opened the curtains and let in all of the light from the outside because who was not about to sulk in the dark, was me. I could see the entire Dallas area from up here and it was breathtaking, even though I’ve seen it a million times. This is what I need right now, this view, and some food. I said to myself. I pulled out the menu that was in the side table next to the king sized bed. Lamb chops, steak, grilled chicken, baked fish, vegan cauliflower steak, hmmm. What do I want? Nothing really sounded appetizing honestly, but I was starving. The anxious butterflies in my stomach ate all of the food that I had this morning, feeding themselves for their next appearance. I knew I needed to eat something, especially if I wanted to think with a clear head. I dialed the extension 044 for the ordering service. Hi, this is Hailey in room 516, can I please order the Lamb chops, medium rare, with a side of mashed sweet potatoes and fried egg plant? Let’s also add two bottles of champagne on there as well, Rose Moet, if you have it. Thanks so much. I knew I had no business ordering the same champagne that Roger got for me last night, knowing it would bring up the present memories. But, I couldn’t help myself. I hung up the phone and got my body cuddled up inside of the soft king size Egyptian cotton sheets. All I wanted to do was eat and watch lifetime movies all day. Did I need to figure shit out? Of course, but, too much has happened and I just need a day to recharge and think of what I am going to do or say next regarding this entire situation. I hadn’t managed to check my phone because truly, I didn’t want to confirm all the things I already knew. But, then again, I did. I couldn’t make up my mind on whether I was going to just ghost Jaylen from now until the end of time and run off with Roger into the sunset, or if I was going to attempt to talk to Jaylen and figure out what the fuck. I figured since I was so conflicted about it, a part of me did want to see what happened and why he did what he did. Was that wrong? No. The only reason I am questioning it is because some fine ass man came and put all his good shit in my life and now I don’t know how to think. I needed to remember that regardless of whatever Jaylen had done, that was still my man at this moment. I needed to hear him out as much as I didn’t want to, it just makes sense to at least get some closure, no matter how uncomfortable the conversation would be. Just as I was about to drown in my thoughts again, a knock came at the door. But, it wasn’t followed by the words “room service”. I was curious to know who would come to my hotel room, being that no one knew I was in town. Another knock followed quickly, but this time, more erratic. I got nervous and quickly hurried to the door. Before I could even ask who it was, a very familiar voice came through. “Hailey? I know you’re in there. It’s Jaylen. Come on now you know I have access to your credit cards. I knew that was the only way I’d find you. Please open up! I need to talk to you right now.” I couldn’t believe this fucker had the audacity to look through my recent transactions! But, then again, he’s desperate. And desperate times, calls for desperate measures. I shook my head and opened the door slowly, not really knowing what was going to take place here in this room. Still not knowing whether he truly knows if I saw him or not. But, from the wording in his texts, I would think he knew. Jaylen, what the fuck are you doing here? I said in a harsh tone. My robe started to get damp as sweat started to form all over my body from nervousness. I just knew that he knew that I knew about his bullshit. It just didn’t make any sense that he would decide to do something so fucking cruel, but even though my mind was focused on Roger, I still wanted to hear his excuse for all this. Jaylen stared at me with his chinky brown eyes and gave the look he always did when he knew he did some dumb ass shit. He came here looking fresh as fuck so something tells me he thinks he’s about to win me over. He had on his clean white forces, black joggers, a crisp white t, his gold chain, and his black snapback. He came here looking like a straight up slut. Damn, why is this motherfucker so fine??! He made his way to the window that overlooked the city and as he walked past, I could smell my favorite scent of his. I rolled my eyes telling myself that I need to stop thinking about everything that looks and smells right in this moment, and focus on the issue at hand. Hailey, what the fuck man. I’ve been trying to call you since last night. You not answering the phone, you not texting me back. Come on now man, talk to me! I know I fucked up, but we supposed to be in love mama. We supposed to be planning a wedding and shit man. I didn’t mean to do what I did. Don’t even try to twist this shit either because I know it was you who left the room like that. The music, the candles. All that. The minute I stepped foot in the room, I knew I had fucked up. I knew it wasn’t Sasha who did it, I know it was you. She tried to play the shit like she did it for me. I bet she didn’t even know you was in town, huh? Jaylen shook his head and dropped his head in resentment as if he the one who is supposed to be hurt right now. Is this nigga serious? He talking about this shit like… like it wasn't nothing. Like Sasha isn’t my fucking sister! Tears instantly formed in my eyes as I couldn’t hold my contentment anymore. Everything blacked out and I went to wailing on Jaylen. You motherfucking bitch! I said. BOP BOP BOP How fucking dare you???!? How could you fuck my sister!??!?!??! After everything that we’ve been through. After everything I’ve done for you and proved to you that I’m worthy? I continued to wail on him as I screamed and cried like I’ve never done before. He didn’t even move a muscle. He sat there and allowed me to take out all of my anger and frustration on him. His eyes were filled with tears as he looked at me with so much guilt. I couldn’t believe that the man I thought was my everything betrayed me like this. Hailey, Hailey baby… I… I’m so sorry mama I swear on my soul I am. I don’t know what the fuck got into me man. Foreal. Man, Sasha been hitting on me from jump I swear! Remember the Christmas party your moms and nem threw last year at the big house in New York? Well, this was the first time I had even met Sasha. I made my way to the bathroom and she was there too. I guess coming out or whatever so, we locked eyes and she gave me this look. I knew right then. I knew it was wrong to even look at her with any type of lust, but to be honest Hailey, I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t thinking that day and I wasn’t thinking this entire time up until now. I guess whatever look I gave her made her think she could have her way with me. My dumbass fell for it. I don’t even know how I let it get this far. I instantly stopped crying and took a step back from Jaylen. I squinted my eyes and cocked my head because I’m trying to figure out if im really hearing what the fuck I am hearing. I sat down on the big king sized bed and tried to wrap my head around what I just heard. Wait a second, are you telling me that since the Christmas party last year, you’ve been fucking my little sister? Is that what you’re telling me??? Man, Hailey don’t say it like that. Like, like she some little girl or something. Like I’m a predator or something. Nigga, shut the fuck up! She is my little sister!! She’s 4 years younger than me. I don’t care if she’s of age. I mean, if you wanted a little young bitch you could’ve just said that from jump and saved me the mother fucking headache! I mean, this shit just don't make no sens- Knock, knock. We were quickly interrupted by the sound of the knocks on the door. Room service! The woman on the other end of the door yelled. Finally, I said. I’m fucking hungry and I have a major headache, I said. I am just at a loss for words Jaylen, I really am. I walked over to the door and greeted the beautiful oriental woman that was staring back at me with a smile that instantly turned into worry as she saw my face. She looked over at Jaylen, and looked back at me. She didn’t say anything, but she didn’t have to. The look on her face said it all. I’m sure she could feel the tension and see the brokenness on my face. But, she just allowed me to take the rolling cart from her and said, enjoy your stay. She stuttered and her voice cracked as she spoke. I looked at her and mouthed the words, “Don’t worry, I’m okay.” Hopefully to give her some peace of mind. Lord knows I didn’t need her calling the cops for domestic violence. Hell, I’d end up being the one being hauled off. Her smile then reappeared and she nodded almost in a bow motion, and took off down the long hallway of the hotel. I closed the door and rolled my cart near the bed so I could eat. I don’t even have the stomach for it, but I’m starving. Before I pass out from what I am dealing with, I need to eat. I took a deep breath and sighed extremely hard. I just didn’t really know what to think. I popped open my champagne and poured a glass. I opened the tray and saw the beautiful lamb chops and instantly my stomach began to growl. I may not even want this right now, but my body sure did. I took the fork and knife and began to cut through the lamb chop, imagining it was Jaylen’s thirsty, young hoe loving ass. I shook my head as I took my first bite. Jaylen, like on some real shit, I am not comprehending what I am hearing right now. I cannot believe you’ve been fucking my sister for damn near a year. I mean… truly I don’t want the details. But, you owe me the truth. I mean all of it, not half of it. So, I am all ears. I won’t interrupt you. I really just need to hear how this happened from start to finish. I need to know everything. Jaylen gazed in my direction looking like a lost puppy. Nothing about him right now made me want to feel sorry for him. But, my lustfulness was very curious. He looked so good and I wanted him to do all the things to me I knew he could, in the worst way. I don’t get it. I’m so disgusted at him, but at the same time, I want to fuck the shit out of him too. Get your fucking brain in check Hailey, I said to myself. This is not the time for this! I shook my head again and immediately took more bites of my food so that I didn’t look like a crazy person talking to myself in my head while staring back at this man. I knew I was not going to be able to stare at him for too long because then I’d start feeling more inclined to say fuck all this and allow myself to fall weak. OK, I’ll start from the beginning. Like I said this all started back in December. When we walked past each other, we knew what was up. She kept looking at me the entire party, I kinda knew what she had on her mind, but I was trying not to allow temptation to get my ass. Nothing happened that night, though. Once it was time for us to head up to the rooms, I went outside to smoke a blunt. You know how your parents feel about that shit, so I went around back, hoping nobody would see me. I’m vibing and shit minding my business and then I see a light come on from one of the rooms. It threw me off cause I thought everybody was asleep. But, when I took a second look I saw it was Sasha. She was looking at me through her window and she was standing there butt ass naked. I aint know what to think of it, but obviously I liked what I saw. Jaylen shook his head and said, damn I’m a fucking idiot man. With a mouthful of mashed sweet potato I snapped, OKAY FINISH THE FUCKING STORY JAYLEN. My loudness startled him. I have never seen him in such an emasculated state. It seemed as if he was completely humiliated by the fact that he’s telling me this story. As fucked up as this is, I really needed to hear this. So I know exactly what to do next. Every detail matters and every detail will allow me to feel exactly what I need to feel to make a decision. Although, my heart didn’t want to even deal with Jaylen anymore at all. I knew that at the end of the day, a decision needed to be made and as dumb as it sounds, I still haven’t come to the conclusion of what I was going to do. Bonus Part: Meet, SashaMan, I haven’t heard from Jaylen since last night. I know something must have happened. Who the fuck left that shit in his room? Hell, I know I didn’t! I had to play that shit off like I did because I didn’t want to ruin the night. I wonder if he’s fucking somebody else! I know I shouldn’t care. I know I’m the side bitch, but fuck. Hailey wasn’t in town. She always lets the world know when she touches down. It be all over her Instagram and everything. She hasn’t posted nothing in the last 2 days. So, it couldn’t have been Hailey. I mean, I don’t know. I texted her ass a few times but she hasn't responded. That's not unusual for her though, so I'm tryna keep my cool for now.
I paced back and forth as I contemplated on snorting the line that I had on my table. I’d been clean for a while and hadn’t had a relapse ever since me and Jaylen started fucking around. Call me crazy but, his dick game is so crazy, that I haven’t even needed to do a line. I’ve been so wrapped up in him that I haven’t thought about getting high, but after not hearing from him for over 12 hours, I was starting to get that itch. How the hell did I become dependent on my sister’s man? The crazy thing is, I don’t even feel that bad about it. We can’t all win. That bitch has the job of her dreams, she’s making good money, she has a nice ass car, she’s beautiful as shit. Fuck, she gotta have the good man too?! I was never the one that niggas wanted. It was always her. I was bigger growing up and I used to get made fun of a lot and that shit sent me straight down the dark path of drugs and prostitution. Nobody in the family knew I had a coke addiction nor did they suspect I was selling my body in the late hours of the night. They thought I was just working out, eating right, and hanging out with friends. But, nah. That wasn’t the case. I had such low self esteem that I didn’t really know what to do with myself at the time. All I knew was that I wanted to be noticed. I wanted to be touched and loved. No one had ever made me feel good about myself and my entire childhood and into my teenage years, I was depressed as fuck. Not to mention, always having to be around Hailey’s perfect ass. Everyone always loved Hailey. She was the pride and joy of the family. Everyone seemed to really enjoy being around her and they hated being around me it seemed like. When people would see me, they’d get the look of disappointment. Like I wasn’t good enough to be Hailey’s sister. My parents didn’t have it that well when we were growing up. We weren’t poor, but we weren’t well off either. It wasn’t until my mom left my dad and got married to a new nigga that shit started to change, and not for the better. It just got worse. Not only was I the fat sister, but I was the fat and unattractive sister around a bunch of bougie motherfuckers all the time. Mama’s new man was an insurance broker. He had money to blow, foreal. I really wasn’t too fond of dude, but, the money was nice. Hailey was already 18 by this time. So I had a few years to enjoy the nice house and nice things. My mom called herself trying to send me to a fat camp for a summer. Man, that shit did not go as planned. It’s because she did this, that I really lost my mind. I just knew that I was worth nothing. My own mama couldn’t even stand the sight of me. She treated me like dog shit until I was 18 and I was able to get out on my own and that is when things really took a turn in my life. I started going to clubs, drinking a lot, and getting mixed up with the wrong people. Needless to say, hanging with these people is how I developed my drug addiction. They hooked me on to coke and I loved it from the first moment I allowed that white powder to enter my system. From then, it was over. I stopped eating so much, I was losing weight left and right. My mama was so happy and it made me happy to see her finally accept me. Little did she know what all I was doing to get this figure that she always wanted me to have. I still don’t see how she didn’t notice how high I was all the time. But, looking back, it doesn’t seem like she cared very much. All she wanted was to make sure that I was not an embarrassment to her anymore. She started wanting me around more and I got the feeling of approval that I never had. That shit felt good and it was the best few years of my life having my mama look at me in a positive light. Then recently, I met Jaylen at our family Christmas party in New York. Things really started to look up for me from there. It didn’t matter to me that he was my sister's man. He made me feel good about myself and with him, I felt like I had the world in my back pocket. Yeah, I knew I was a side bitch, but that was better than not being noticed at all. I don’t even know where I expected this shit to go. I mean, there was no way we could go public. Everyone in my family would hate me forever. But a part of me did not give a rats ass what any of them felt like or thought. I wanted him to myself, and I was going to do anything to keep him by my side. The line of coke sat there screaming my name. It just knew that I was about to fall weak. I really didn’t want to do it, but, to be honest with myself, I’m weak minded as fuck. And I know it. I don’t even care. I am who I am, and this is my life. I was trying to convince myself that I had no type of restraint so that I wouldn’t feel so bad for doing this line. If I could blame it on my weak mind, then it seemed like I was the victim. All my life I’ve made myself the victim and now it just seems as if this shit is second nature for me. I didn’t want to trail back to who I used to be, but fuck it. What do I got to lose right now? Snnnnuffff, WHEW! I shouted as I rubbed my nose really hard. Fuck, it’s been a minute. I blinked my eyes really slow and hard because the heat of the cocaine was a little much for me being that it had been so long. Man, that shit felt so good. I did another line. Then another. Then, one more. Within seconds I started to feel like my old self again and for some dark reason, it made me feel good. Nothing was going to stop me from doing what I needed to do to get my man back on my ass. He’s never gone this long without sending me a message, ever. Hell, we may not be able to talk on the phone all the time, but he always checks in. Fuck this shit! Ima figure out what the fuck is going on! I grabbed my phone as hard as I could, as the drugs started to react in my body, taking me to a place of rage. I unlocked my phone and dialed Jaylen's number from my recent call history. Pick up baby, please. Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up GODDAMNIT! Pick up motherfucker!!! Shit!! I dialed him once more and still, he allowed it to go to voicemail. My blood began to boil instantly as I threw my phone across the room and it hit the wall. I got up and paced back and forth, wondering what my next move would be. I looked in the mirror at myself. Big brown hair that was ruffled from the night I had and my eyes were blood shot red. I began to cry and punched the mirror so hard, my fist began to bleed instantly. FUCK! To be continued. Dear Black Man7/12/2022 Expecting you to do it all is where we went wrong. Expecting you to be abused but stay silent. Hurt, but remain quiet. Stressed, but remain strong… We want you to show us what it looks like to be a KING but some of us aren’t even on the road to being a QUEEN some of us we want you to bring the food, money, love, & protection to a table that’s broken and filled with baggage but parade for social media like we are the entire package We want you to lift us up when we’re down, allow us to be ourselves, spoil us, work hard, & be the strong one But half the time we can’t even be your peace at the very least… & then every time you step outside that door… You’re a target. You’re the blame. You’re never the victim.. always the villain. You’re skin is your biggest threat. The entire world is against you.. But we expect you to suck that shit up. Work hard, KEEP working hard. Your family needs you. Therapy? Nigga you weak….. Ain’t nothing to it but to do it. Come on you got it. You ain’t shit if you can’t provide for your family. You better break your back for this shit. Ain’t no excuses. BUT WHO THE FU*K IS PROVIDING THE SUPPORT that is needed for him to withstand it all & not break? Who’s lifting him up when he’s down, who’s keeping his mind at peace when the world around him continues to break him down to his knees Who’s holding him when he has no where else to turn? Who’s making sure his mental health is in check? Who’s checking in on him often to make sure he’s not feeling depressed? Who IS PROVIDING THE PEACE He needs To Be That king we seek? Black man, you are worthy. You are worthy of peace. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of protection. You may be broken, but I still see you. You may be silent, but I hear you. You feel unloved, but I love you. The world needs you, black man. You are not your problems. You’re not the person who broke your heart. You are not your childhood. You are not your broken home. You are not your abusive parents. You are not the person who touched you inappropriately. You are not the person who blamed you for something you had no control over. You’re not the person who wrongly convicted you. You are not the person who shouted racial slurs at you. You are not the things this world says about you. You are a walking melenated epitome of strength. You are the wind at night that sings the birds to sleep. You are the beauty in night sky. You are the love that keeps us warm at night. What an honor it is to walk this earth along side you. You are not alone, black man. We see you. We love you. Sunrise in the Crescent City6/23/2022 5:30am on a Sunday morning is my favorite time to welcome the world into my space. Something so remarkable about being up before the sun. In a city where people are probably passed out on Bourbon St or just getting home from partying all night, I have just feasted my eyes on what I like to call the midnight dawn. It may still be night for the rest of the world, but for me, my day is beginning.
Silky sheets caress my skin as I turn and look over and see an angel sleeping. Nothing more perfect than seeing my beautiful wife on the side of me. Her sandy brown curly hair is all wild from the exhilarating night we had and her beautiful chocolate skin glistens in the pale light that is coming through our curtains from the street lights. I kiss her soft, melanated skin that smells of shea butter and vanilla, but softly so that I don't wake her. What a joy it is to see something so angelic every single day of my life. As she captures her last hour or two of slumber, I get dressed and put on my running gear. The best Nike running shoes money can buy, black shorts, black tank top, Nike sports hat, and my running arm band for my phone. Every morning I go running so that I can get the energy I need to get through my day and also to make sure I stay fit. It's also lovely to see the sun as it's rising. If there is ever a day I miss the sunrise, my entire energy is off. I thrive from being able to connect with the earth and the sun; its..... liberating, if you will. Shutting the front door lightly, but in tact, I turn my music on and hit the ground running. There's a slight breeze and it's about 50 degrees outside, being that its the middle of January. Winter is my favorite season to do my running in. It's not too cold, but it's cool enough that I feel like my lungs are getting an amazing work out. Not to mention the air is so crisp and makes me feel alive. As my feet hit the pavement, I am soaking in the rest of the night sky before the sunrise. I can start to feel the small droplets of sweat forming between my upper thighs and my back. That's when I know it's almost time. I've done this so much, I know that when I start to sweat, the sunrise is near. I check my watch and realize that I've been running for about an hour now and I start to make my way to Jackson Square. As I make my way to my final destination, the street lights begin to turn off as the sleepy eyes of the world are starting to awake. I can see coffee shops and bakeries opening their doors and flipping their closed signs to read "open". I can hear jazz music playing and it's coming from one of the local businesses, but I can't make out which one. Hearing jazz music playing out of the blue always brings a smile to my face. Finally, I can see the cathedral. Ahh, the cathedral I say to myself. Such a comforting feeling that brings back memories of my childhood of having beignets with my pop from Café Du Monde as we sat on the steps that faced the Jackson Square cathedral and just people watched. Jackson Square is so quiet in the early hours and it gives me time to sit and just think about life and the days ahead. It's hard for me to remain in the present sometimes, so when I do my running, this is my time to just ponder on the past and the future. So that when I get home, I can focus on my beautiful life and my beautiful wife. As I walk up the steps to get to the river walk, dawn says hello. The sky is starting to give off the pink and yellow hues and I stand there as I watch the sky wake and listen to the river sing. This moment in time right here, this is the moment of serenity I need every single day. Just this moment will allow me to keep my mind calm and in check. I spend about 20 minutes basking in the silence and the sight of the painted universe around me. I let out a sigh of relief when the moment of peace is gone and taken away by the sound of people starting their day, just as I have started mine. It's time to head home. Before I can even open the door, I can smell that sweet smell. Every morning after my run, my other half makes sure to have my favorite breakfast waiting for me. As I walk in and look to the left in our breakfast nook area, I can see the steam coming off of my food and my coffee. Beef bacon, two eggs over easy sitting on top of crisp, golden hash browns, and strawberries on the side. I bite my lip as I think of how blessed I am to have this woman get up early every morning and make breakfast. It's always the little things. The sound of the shower turning on entices me because I know in .5 seconds, she's going to be stripped down and waiting for me. Instead of diving into my food, I head to the master bedroom. She always leaves the door cracked as if she is awaiting my arrival. I can see her silhouette through the fog on the shower door and I immediately become erect before I even lay eyes on her. Opening the shower door, I step into the scolding hot water that doesn't bother me on bit, because it's about to get hotter. I grab her by the waist and she turns her head slowly with a smile. Hello beautiful, I say as I kiss her forehead. Grand Rising, daddy, she says back to me. I caress every inch of her thick and fluffy body, making sure she's just as ready for me as I am for her. Her body begins to quiver from the slow and soft touches of my left hand, while my lips are making their way down her neck. She grabs a hold of my body and brings me closer to her, which is her way of saying she wants me, right now. I can't wait any longer. I pick her up abruptly as if she was a feather and I place her back against the shower wall. Seconds later, I entered inside the best place to call home. He wasted no time to explore her garden as he's done millions of times, but every time always feels like the first. This woman is my goddess and I will spend every moment making sure she feels good. Slow and steady strokes become the move of the morning as her sweet cupcake clenches onto the chocolate monster. I make sure she can feel every single inch of me in her stomach, I'm tryna give her a baby. As I plunge deeper inside of her juices, she moans even louder. I look her in her eyes as the water is dripping from her face down to her intoxicatingly soft breasts that are pressed against my pecs. She stares at me as she makes the faces of pure satisfaction and digs her nails deeper into my back. The wetness from her and the shower feels so good, I can't hold out any longer, and from her expression, neither can she. I grab ahold to her body tighter as she screams out in ecstasy. Her entire body goes limp and her sweet cookie throbs on the cookie monster. I look her in her eyes again and we engage in the longest, juiciest, kiss underneath the hot shower water as we tightly embrace. It gets no better than this. ....and that is how you start a morning. I couldnt tell you what it was like to constantly live there..
In my mind. My brain began to unwind all of the repeated lies I’ve been told My soul started to weep… I was way too young to be losing sleep. Damn. I was only 15 when I started understanding the true weight of the world… Darkness started to fall. & then my heart started to crawl into the abyss of untouched happiness…. The type of happiness that wasn’t real. I was searching for somebody to love me in this dark world or was I just searching for someone to save? Always looking for the next broken record to call home.. Knowing it wasn’t right, but couldn’t fathom being alone. Constant reels of deceit spewing at me constantly and all I did was paint over them with pretty flowers… Never questioning anything, and to myself, I became a coward. Afraid to confront the fake love, I just allowed myself to be taken advantage of. And it stung like bullets piercing my what was then, thin skin. Maybe my brokenness and desperate need to feel loved made me feel the need to become misunderstood But the only person who misunderstood me, was me. You feel me? I wanted so bad to be someone who saved the world, I forgot about Janecia, me. I forced myself to be “little miss, misunderstood”. Because if I was “misunderstood” then maybe I could be the victim when shit hit the fan and not have to take accountability for my lack of awareness and my ability to allow another being to tear away at my integrity. Even though the signs were clear.. even though I knew the end was near.. All I wanted to do was enjoy the idea of love Even if that meant ignoring every sign I got from GOD himself above. Why me? Why did I choose to this for myself? Why didn’t I just ask for help? Why did I brush off the red flags? Why couldn’t I have just stayed in my motherfucking bag? Why did I allow him to cheat? Why did I constantly want all of my depressed and anxious days to be discreet? Why didn’t I strap my boots up, pick up my feet, and dogged him out like he dogged me? Why did I allow him to fuck my cousin? Why didn’t I say ENOUGH is ENOUGH.. and… why did I walk down the isle? Why didn’t I turn around, was it because we had a child? Why did I allow myself to be in so much pain? Why did I allow my soul to be stuck out in the rain? For so many years I cried these tears I carried these burdens I LIVED out all of my fears… All for what? To be loved? Nah, girl… that wasn’t love. You knew that. You knew he wasn’t shit You knew he was going to hurt you like being hit with a ton of bricks But you chose this. You chose to be hurt you chose to be stomped on you chose to be dragged in the dirt. You knew he was lying, He watched you cry and…. He stood by and did nothing. He belittled you, mentally abused you, spiritually killed you. You let him. You let him break us… You let him tell lies to your face ‘cuz. All for what? To be loved? What does it mean to be loved if you’re going to allow yourself to be in a state of constant suffering? What does it mean to continue to allow your heart to stay when your spirit is no longer welcomed .. and.. what does it mean to be loved if all it’s going to do is cause your soul to hydroplane over all those tears.. You’ve cried over all these years.. Why do it at all? Just to be loved? NO, love YOURSELF first baby. You’re all you got. He loves you, he loves you not. 90 degree weather on a Friday night.. Standing hand in hand with the love of my life Sweat filling our palms and foreheads.. Feet hitting the pavement as we continue to move up in the line butterflies present themselves in the pit of my stomach the closer I get to the door.. Our first concert together and it’s to see KRIT. KRIT. Damn.. still brings me chills. Hip hop is the root of our love and here we are about to embark on the most humble southern hip hop journey we’ve ever experienced. What a time it is to be alive Being able to be share the same air with the KING of the UNDERGROUND. I’m lit. Open a tab at the bar cause tonight is about to be a movie Blue Long Island becomes the drink of the night Got me feeling right, in all the right places Jammin’ to the intros… drink in one hand, smoke in the other. Gazing at all the beautiful faces that are impatiently waiting to see the best thing that’s ever happened to rap.. yeah I said it. “Let me tell you bout this supaaa fly DIRTY DIRTY THIRD COAST MUDDY WATER SHAWTY POP THAT PUSSY IF YOU WANNA” Ohhhh shit……. There he is.. The king HIMSELF The adrenaline is pumping through every soul that chose to be apart of this timeless event Everybody is feeding off of each other’s energy Phones lit up trying to capture every moment 4s up for the Legend My heart can’t take the amount of happiness I feel If it don’t touch my soul I can’t listen to it, and baby let me tell you… My soul felt every word “Just in case you was wondering, I did make the beat” Tears fill my eyes as I run the entire song from start to finish… I swear I had an outer body experience This shit just hit different when you know you been a fan and you finally get the chance to see the best rapper alive Live in the flesh Nothing could ever compare As the show starts to come to a close I grab my chest…. I grab the hand of my love behind me who’s been rapping every single word to every masterpiece KRIT performed tonight.. I thank God for this moment.. Shine on KING, He served up the royalty. Provided us the Soul Food that we needed while we journeyed through to Cadillactica. KRIT IZ Here, He Wuz Here…. Live From the Underground.. Handing out his digital roses to the lost generation who needs his music for saving… Thank you. Thank you for choosing the road you did, It’s better this way. You truly are a King Remembered in Time. Much love. Too much shine, can dull the soul…. - Krizzle It's the way you blink your eyes slowly in my direction that draws me in
It's the mere movement of your eyelashes that tug on my heart strings trying to fine-tune the perfect melody that sings all the reasons why my chest sinks deeply every time I hear the bass in your voice our souls nearly break their necks from the melodic vibe session that happens every time we connect with nothing but the sounds of hip-hop What a lovely evening it always is every time you inch closer to me pulling my body so close to you that I sink into your being taking my mind to all the different places in time imagining all of the galaxies that hold the constellation map that tells the story of our love and every time you disappear from being near me my soul drops tears that sink into the lake of anxiety that used to live underneath bridge that held the road less traveled the exact road that I had to muster up the courage to step foot on to find my way back to you a person of the people you are providing a unique human experience to every life that you touch the creole seasoning that drips from your tongue every time you speak brings people together, just like a joint, but there's no weed involved. You're my midnight snack that touches my soul in more ways than one and if the only thing I had to ingest for the rest of time were the sounds of your voice and your fluid intellect, I would survive whole heartedly. your entire existence offers up the food for my many thoughts that leaves me in a state of satisfaction in such a way that no cuisine could ever fulfill they say the third time is the charm but for us, this is our take nine, but baby I'm confident that we got it right this time. I love you. |
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